joke thread

[layback40]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this.


A major U.S. corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new Chief Executive Officer. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.



On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"



A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400.00 a week. Why?"



The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office. He came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600.00 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' severance pay. Now GET YOUR ASS OUTTA' HERE and don't even think about coming back."



Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"



From across the room a voice said, "He's the pizza delivery guy from Domino's!"

[layback40]

"I must be using the wrong shampoo too"









As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle.. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says" for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"! Tomorrow I am going to start using Morning Fresh dishwashing liquid. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." It pays to read the warning labels, my friends!

[aklim]

Originally Posted by layback40

"I must be using the wrong shampoo too"









As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle.. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says" for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"! Tomorrow I am going to start using Morning Fresh dishwashing liquid. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." It pays to read the warning labels, my friends!

Which reminds me of the joke:

Girl goes to HR to complain about Smith

Girl: I like to file a complain about Mr Smith. He was sexually harassing me this morning
HR: What did he say or do?
Girl: He said he likes the smell of my hair.
HR: What's wrong with that? Maybe the shampoo you used smelled good.
Girl: Mr Smith is a midget.

[layback40]

A DOCTOR THAT HAD BEEN SEEING AN 80 - YEAR OLD LADY FOR MOST OF HER LIFE FINALLY RETIRED.

AT HER NEXT APPOINTMENT THE NEW DOCTOR TOLD HER TO BRING A LIST OF ALL MEDICINES
THAT HAD BEEN PRESCRIBED FOR HER.

AS THE YOUNG DOCTOR WAS LOOKING THROUGH THESE, HIS EYES GREW WIDE AS HE REALISED
SHE HAD A PRESCRIPTION FOR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.

"MRS SMITH, DO YOU REALISE THESE ARE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?

"YES, THEY HELP ME SLEEP AT NIGHT."

"MRS SMITH, I ASSURE YOU THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THESE THAT COULD POSSIBLY HELP
YOU SLEEP!"

SHE REACHED OUT AND PATTED THE YOUNG DOCTOR's KNEE.

"YES DEAR, I KNOW THAT. BUT EVERY MORNING I GRIND UP ONE AND MIX IT IN A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE THAT MY 16 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER DRINKS. AND BELIEVE ME, IT HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT

[aklim]

When you have an
'I Hate My Job day'


[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]


Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacyand go to the
thermometer section and purchase
a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your
doors, draw the curtains and
disconnect the phone so
you will not be disturbed.


Change into very comfortable
clothing and sit in your favorite
chair. Open the package and
remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table
or a surface so that it will not
become chipped or broken


Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from
the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small
print there is this statement:



"Every Rectal Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson
is personally tested
and then sanitized."


Now, close your eyes and repeat
out loud five times,' I am so glad
I do not work in the thermometer
quality control department at
Johnson & Johnson.'


HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER,
THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE
WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A
PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!



if you haven't got a smile on your face
and laughter in your heart...

Maybe you should go and work
for Johnson and Johnson!




Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

[Can't Know]

Originally Posted by layback40

Should a Child Witness Childbirth?
Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........smack him again!'

My mom had to give a presentation recently, and I passed this on to her. That was the joke she used to open her talk (she introduced the joke by saying it was to help everyone relax, but mostly herself). It was greatly received and much appreciated, and her talk thereafter went very well, so I had to tell you thanks.

[layback40]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to p!$$ off.
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

[aklim]

Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $200,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Fifty Cent all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

[The Clk Man]

I ordered a coffee at McDonalds today and the nice lady at the counter said here is your coffee, I said thanks a "Latte".

[layback40]

Originally Posted by aklim

Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase "it's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $200,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Fifty Cent all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

These are from a book of advice to school leavers. Cant remember the name.

[layback40]

There are two statues in a park;
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
Years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
Hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
Shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
Care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.


This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you ***** on its head.'

[layback40]

Christmas Lights




I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, they remind me of immigrants .



They all hang together , half of the f##kers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.

[The Clk Man]

This one is from personal experience:

Have you ever farted so hard that the bones in your neck crack?

[layback40]

Australian Police Entrance Test – Private & Confidential


An Australian man is seeking to join his state police service.

The Sergeant doing the interview says : "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says : "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Daman858]

Girl 1 Sigh..."My boyfriend came over last night and we had panda sex."

Girl 2 "What's panda sex?"

Girl 1 "He eats shoots and leaves."