Things You'd Love To Say At Work, But Can't!

1. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us
again...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to
humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people
learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a
message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a
word you're saying.

10. I can see your point, but I still think you're
full of ****.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and
stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of
strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't
give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I
had about you.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma
to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent
lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and still have most of
it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you
missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder -- my work here is
done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just
wanted paychecks.





HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY





1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a
hair dryer at

passing cars to see if they slow down.



2. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise
your voice.)



3 Insist that your email address is:

xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com



elvis-the-king@companyname.com



4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask
if they want fries

with that.



5. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little
synchronized chair

dancing.



6. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it
"IN."



7. Develop and unnatural fear of staplers.



8. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks, once
everyone had gotten

over their caffeine addictions, switch to
espresso.



9. In the memo field of all your checks write 'for
sexual favors.



10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's
what you think."



11. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with
the prophecy."



12. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the
brightness level lights

up the entire work area. Insist to others that
you like it that way.



13. Don't use any punctuations.



14. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.



15. Ask people what sex they are.



16. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."



17. Sing along at the opera.



18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't
rhyme.



19. Find out where you boss shops and buy exactly the
same outfits, wear

them one day after your boss does, (this is
especially effective

if your boss is the opposite sex.)



20. Send email to the rest of the company to tell them
what you're

doing, for example: if anyone needs me, Ill be
in the bathroom.



21. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.



22. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't
attend their party

because you're not in the mood.



23. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies.



24. Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"



25. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling
name, Rock Hard.



26. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I
Won!" "3rd time this

week ! ! ! !"



27. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the
parking lot, yelling

"Run for your lives, they're loose !"



28. Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head
that bothers me. Its

the voices in your head that do."



29. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the
economy, we are going to

have to let one of you go."



30. Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your
mother is here"

Rotflma..........................

__________________
Proud owner of ....
1971 280SE W108
1979 300SD W116
1983 300D W123
1975 Ironhead Sportster chopper
1987 GMC 3/4 ton 4X4 Diesel
1989 Honda Civic (Heavily modified)
---------------------
Section 609 MVAC Certified
---------------------
"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." - Friedrich Nietzsche