Here are some jokes to enjoy.
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php

True tales of InDUHviduals - From Scott Adams, creator of
Dilbert

I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my
license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the
license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the
renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.

While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I
colored my hair. He asked me what color.

Last week my co-worker was traveling on business to a very
small town. They found a restaurant in the phone book and
asked the woman working at the hotel desk how to get there.
The desk clerk told them all about it and gave them
directions. After driving around for half an hour they
could not find it. When they returned to the hotel, the
woman at the hotel desk told them, "Oh, I forgot; they
never did build that restaurant."

I went shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous
button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing,
but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy." I showed it to
her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm
always talking on mine."

I went into a major retail establishment and asked an
employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth
vases. Seeing her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase,
explaining that it has a narrow neck, with space for a
flower bulb on top and water on the bottom. Said the
employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?"

Received from Caprice.

--
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
-------------------------------

AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later
discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested
trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning
press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that
he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying
weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek
average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go
off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use
secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves
as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a
common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to
argue, there are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated,
"If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math
instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.
I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that
it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are
willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky
statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of
influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate
their root, make our point, and draw the line."

The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction
have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a
scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a
Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of
vertex."

The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would
say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain
of: though they continue to multiply, their days are
numbered as the hypotenuse tightens."

Received from Joyce Morrison.

--
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
---------------------------------------

The new father was left with the baby all day while mom went
shopping for some unmaternity clothes. When she returned she
went to check on the baby. The smell was overpowering. She
found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was
furious!

She confronted her husband, "Didn't you bother to check the
baby's diaper all day?"

The new dad responded, "Well, the box says it's good for up
to eight pounds!"

Received from NeunaberJ.

--
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)


A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering
things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down to help them
remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up
from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To
the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a
bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently
reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so
you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!"

She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top.
You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream
with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain
you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can
remember that! Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped
cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen
and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my
toast?"

Received from Case Bonebrake.

--
Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
------------------------------------------

were sitting in a tank. One turned to the other and asked, "How do you drive this thing?"

__________________
Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm.

were sitting in a oven. One biscuit turns to the other and says: "Man, it's hot in here!" Startled, the other biscuit exclaims, "Oh my God, a talking biscuit!"

__________________
Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm.

How do you keep a Mercedesshop Open Discussion reader in suspense?

After living for years as a castaway on a desert island, Moshe was rescued by a passing fishing boat. He was so excited upon their arrival, he showed them around his island home. "See here, I have an irrigation system to water the terraced gardens . . . and over there I built a water mill over the stream . . . but what helped me the most was when I built this synagogue." pointing to a nicely constructed place of worship. Impressed, the captain of the fishing boat saw another similar building and asked about it. "Eh, that's the other temple . . . nobody goes there."

...those who know binary, and those who don't.

__________________
Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm.

those who can count and those who can't.

Thank you JCE
message from JCE at ShopForum

Once upon a time (1/t) pretty Poly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of the singularly large matrix.

Now Polly was convergent, and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on.
Polly, however, had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, and ignored this condition and made her way in amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on all sides. Tangents approached her surface.
She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, three branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point.
She oscillated violently, lost all sense of Directrix, and went completely divergent.
As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the point and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidean space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent he wondered? He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned around and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see it once, by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.

“Eureka!” she gasped.

“Ho ho,” he said. “What a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see that are actually bubbling over with secs”.

“Oh Sir,” she protested. “keep away from me. I haven’t got my brackets on.”

“Calm yourself my dear.” Said our operator. “Your fears are purely imaginary.”

“i, i,” she thought “perhaps he’s homogeneous then.”

“What order are you?” he demanded.

“Seventeen” replied Poly.

Curley leered: “I suppose you’ve never been operated on yet?”

“Of course not!” Poly cried indignantly. “I’m absolutely convergent.”

“Come, come.” Said Curly. “Lets off to a decimal place I know where I’ll take
you to the limit.”

“Never!” gasped Poly.

“Calculus!” he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone.
Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places and began
smoothing her points of inflexion. Poor Polly. All was up. She felt his hand tending to her asymototic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for curly was a Heavyside operator. He integrated by parts.
He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way around and multiply connected on her first integration. Curly without operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that evening, her mother noticed that she had been truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally she generated a small but pathological function, which lets surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction.

The moral of our sad story is this: if you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.

Why God Never Received Tenure at a University

1) Because he had only one major publication.
2) And it was in Hebrew.
3) And it had no cited references.
4) And it wasn't published in a refereed journal or even submitted for peer review.
5) And some even doubt he wrote it himself.
6) It may be true that he created the world but what has he done since?
7) The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to replicate his results.
8) He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
9) He expelled his first two students for learning.
10) Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.
11) His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

Feed him BHD

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
---------------------------------------------------

A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to the
hospital.
The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife. He
said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress.
If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very
short time."
The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"
The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-free environment
in your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderful meals
for him every day. Also, you must be sure that you don't nag
him or stress him in any way."
On the drive home from the hospital, her husband asked, "So
what's wrong with me, honey?"
The woman paused for a moment and then replied, "Sorry,
honey, but you're going to die."
Received from Matt Durrant.
--

A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee
when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a
hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the
startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room,
opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets, and pointing
out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint
there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman
was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement
tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says,
'HORSE for sale.'"
Received from Best of Humor.
--

Most cartoon characters remain frozen in time. Though
they've been around for more than 50 years, the members of
the Peanuts gang are in some unspecified elementary school
holding pattern. But what if they had been allowed to age
like the rest of us? With apologies to the late Charles
Schulz:
Charlie Brown:
Operates Good Grief Counseling Inc., which specializes in
manic depressives and people who are just having a bad day.
Moonlights as a pitching coach at high school and college
levels. Married to Marcie. They have a roundheaded son who
wears glasses.
Linus:
Developer of Security Blanket Software, which is a hot item
on the New York Stock Exchange. Worth millions but is
actively involved in charitable causes, including the Great
Pumpkin 5K Fun Run every Halloween. The only man who makes
Bill Gates nervous.
Lucy:
Serving her seventh term in Congress. On her third husband.
Claims she hasn't thought about Schroeder in years, but the
background music on her answering machine is Beethoven.
Schroeder:
After years on the classical performing circuit, he runs a
piano bar in Carmel, Calif. Won't let anybody lean on his
piano.
Sally:
Never quite got over being spurned by Linus. Has a cat named
Sweet Babboo. Sells Mary Kay.
Peppermint Patty:
Women's athletic director at a Midwest university. Her
fashion credo: "Sandals go with everything."
Snoopy:
In dog years, he'd be 350. What do you think would've
happened to him? Linus has created an endowment at Daisy
Hill Puppy Farm in Snoopy's memory.
by John C. Davenport
Received from FranCMT2.
--

A man in a blue J.C. Penney suit had fallen between the
rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around,
vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over.
Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!" Alas, the man
would not reach up.
Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way
through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked with compassion, "what is your
profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man in the blue
suit.
"Please, sir, take my hand," said Ben Bebo.
The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly
pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed
bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you
anything, my friends..."
Received from Joke of the Week.
--

Sometimes it's hard to make out the words...
1. "God bless America through the night with a light from a
bulb!"
2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!"
3. "Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father
and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast."
4. "We shall come to Joyce's bringing in the cheese."
5. "Yield not to Penn Station."
6. "While shepherds washed their socks by night."
7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all
creatures, here we go."
Many of the above are obvious, but for those that are not,
here is the original wording, with the corrections marked
with *asterisks*:
1. "God bless America through the night with a light from
*above*!"
2. "O Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, for I come from
Alabama with a *banjo* on my knee!"
3. "Give us this day our *daily* bread! Glory be to the
Father and to the Son and to the *Holy Ghost.*"
4. "We shall come *rejoicing,* bringing in the *sheaves.*"
5. "Yield not to *temptation.*"
6. "While shepherds *watched* their *flocks* by night."
7. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow, praise Him all
creatures, *here below.*"
(Explanation added by GCFL.)
Received from Rick & Jini Watson.
--

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in
the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be
skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and
stuff." --Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life." --Brooke Shields, during an
interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking
campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body."--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball
forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry,
Washington, DC
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia
Phillies Manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al
Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan
Quayle
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do
we need?"--Lee Iacocca
"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is
a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football
quarterback and sports analyst
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC
Instructor
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992
because we received notice that you passed away. May God
bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your
circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville,
South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at
night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart
throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake
up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC
Chairman
Received from Dawn Paradise.
--

Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire
chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for
the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be
careful; the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week
requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment.
"People actually call the fire department to help them with
rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on
fire?'"
Received from Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh List.
--

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and
anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do -
everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor'
to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time
for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost
my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya
goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a
little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number
47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr.
Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it
out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored
your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr.
Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the
doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by
complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't
remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now,
he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to
himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is
jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr.
Thompson was cured and fled the room!
Received from The Funnies.
--

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
---------------------------------------------------

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around
the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone, he said,
"There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars,
but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if
anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.
The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's
a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars,
and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone
has gone to hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know,
Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to
draw on."
Received from Pastor Tim.
--

During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I
routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself
with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an
intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded
by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat
screen, sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy
information to the crew. It's like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's
screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The
colonel's on the way!"
Received from Pastor Tim.
--

At the Boeing Museum of Flight in Seattle, there is a
full-size mockup of an F/A-18 fighter. A ramp allows
visitors to climb into the cockpit and get a sense of what
the pilot sees and feels.
A guide at the top of the ramp points out the various
controls and gauges in the cockpit and gives information
about the aircraft's capabilities to each visitor who gets
in.
When my two-year-old son sat down in the plane, he seemed
fascinated by all he saw and heard. Then he looked out at us
and said, "Grandma, could I have a quarter?"
Received from Steve Sanderson.
--

Because of a minor infraction, a shipmate of mine aboard the
USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and
given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to
celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled
himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They
can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my
birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased.
When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,
"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take
away my birthday."
The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the
international date line -- and it was July 23.
Received from FranCMT2.
--

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are
marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,
"Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, and
six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do
you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three
million years old when I started working here, and that was
four and a half years ago!"
Received from WestiMom.
--

While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat
on my face.
As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called
out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern.
"Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your
parking space now?"
Received from Pastor Tim.
--

A family was on its way to the hospital where the
16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a
tonsillectomy. During the ride, the teenager and her parents
talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my
mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a
phone."
Received from L. Scott Brooksby.
--

1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.
2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.
3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.
4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot
air.
5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.
6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of
problems.
Received from Larry Sourbeer.
--

On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she
couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car
zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding
train, and through walls that fell away at the last second,
she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.
When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily,
"Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going."
Received from Steve Sanderson.
--

On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist. "Hello,
please mark William absent today," said the man.
"Why?" asked the receptionist.
"He is sick," said the man.
"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" asked the receptionist.
"My uncle," said William.
Received from CleanLaugh.
--

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands
free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in
the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful
leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we
wanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking
$950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just
offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are
looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Received from Joseph Brauer.
--


Two friends signed up for college. When they looked at their
schedules, the first friend noticed he had Logical Reasoning
as a class. Not knowing what it was, he went to the class
and asked the teacher what logical reasoning was.
The teacher than proceeded to explain: "Do you have a weed
eater?"
"Yes," replied the guy.
"You have a weed eater, which means you have a lawn, which
means you have a house, which means you have kids, which
means you have a wife, which means you're straight."
When he got out of class, he met with his friend who asked
him what logical reasoning was about.
"Well," said the guy. "Do you have a weed eater?"
"No," replied the friend.
"Then you're gay!"
Received from Lorena Fregoso.
--

Little brother: What do I do now?
Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
Little brother: Like this?
Big brother: Yeah.
Little brother: Now what?
Big brother: Hit "ENTER."
Little brother: "ENTER"?
Big brother: I mean "flush."
Received from Keith Sullivan.
--

How to Place New Employees in a Proper Department
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and
put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave
them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the
end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them
to Finance.
If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send
them to Consulting.
If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot
for them.
If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.
If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for
the Help Desk.
If they mention what a good price we got for the table and
chairs, put them into Purchasing.
If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from
rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
If they are writing up the experience, send them to the
Technical Documents team.
If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign
them to Security.
If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send
them to Marketing.
If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
Received from Joke of the Week.
--

Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.
But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed
them, complaining that his work had been completed a whole
year ago, and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around!! Just because I'm blonde
doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy
had told me last year: namely, that in one year the windows
would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just
hung up... and I have not heard back.
Guess I won that stupid argument!
Received from Paul Bateman.
--

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
---------------------------------------------------

Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were
sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that
the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have
to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of
this unpleasant task by concentrating on something
interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing
songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad
stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began
to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott
began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the
room key in the car!"
Received from Tom Ellsworth.
--

I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for
my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on
the bouquet, a young man burst through the door,
breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last
bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May
I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding
anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my
wife's hard drive!"
Received from Jokes Central.
--

Reasons I'd like to thank Wal-Mart, Kmart, Target, and my
local grocer for having twenty-five checkout lanes and only
three open at any given time:
Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going
completely idle -- there's so much to learn!
Did you know they now sell primed faux wood moldings for the
home? I hate to prime. I don't mind striking up
conversations with perfect strangers though. One lady told
me which DMV office had the shortest wait and officers who
actually smile. Another trapped customer gave me her
great-grandmother's secret pickling recipe.
I also learned to be grateful I don't live next door to the
snot-nosed whiny child hanging upside down from the shopping
cart in front of me; how many calories are in a Tic Tac;
items once marketed as "Only available through this
exclusive TV offer!" eventually make it to the store in a
box marked, "As seen on TV"; and that Oprah was abducted by
aliens who also share an affinity for jersey sheets and
private chefs. Which reminds me of other reasons I don't
mind waiting in long checkout lines:
I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the
thirteen things on my list I forgot.
I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up
on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law,
and Auntie Babe.
I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive
home.
I can assess what other people have in their carts and get
exciting new dinner ideas.
I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty
of drying time.
I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the
we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my
purse.
I can clean out my purse and leave the trash in the
we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my car.
I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting
fellow customers.
I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those
isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line
is supposed to know you're doing.
I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb,
zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.
I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in
time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the
driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.
I can scribble notes for next week's column on the box of
sugar bomb cereal -- maybe something about the merits of
grocery delivery.
Copyright 2005 Karen Rinehart.
http://www.busstopmommies.com/
Received from Karen Rinehart of The Bus Stop Mommies.
--

* For every complex problem there is an answer that is
clear, simple, and wrong. (H L Mencken)
* Every decision you make is a mistake. (Edward Dahlberg)
* Our business in life is not to succeed, but to continue to
fail in good spirits. (Robert Louis Stephenson)
* Only one thing is certain - that is, nothing is certain.
If this statement is true, it is also false. (Ancient
Paradox)
* Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if
you just sit there. (Will Rogers)
* There is nothing more requisite in business than dispatch.
(Joseph Addison)
* There is nothing more frightful than ignorance in action.
(Goethe)
* A moment's insight is sometimes worth a life's experience.
(Oliver Wendell Holmes)
* Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably
the reason why so few engage in it. (Henry Ford)
* If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't
thinking. (George Patton)
* Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire
their astuteness. (Cullen Hightower)
* Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory.
Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat. (Sun
Tzu)
* Planning without action is futile; action without planning
is fatal. (Unknown)
* The general who wins the battle makes many calculations in
his temple before the battle is fought. The general who
loses makes but few calculations beforehand. (Sun Tzu)
* Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend the
situation. (Proverb)
* A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any
invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of
handguns and tequila. (Mitch Ratliffe)
Received from Trey Nolen.
--

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
---------------------------------------------------

In our town we have a regional mall that is two stories tall
with an escalator. There was a near tragedy the day before
yesterday when there was a power outage in the area, and
nine blondes were stuck on the escalator for almost five
hours.
Received from K D Kribbs.
--

After I had purchased movie tickets for myself and my
girlfriend, she went inside to find seats while I got some
popcorn. By the time I was served, the previews were being
shown. I stumbled my way through the dark, sat down, and
gave my girlfriend a kiss.
Then I heard a familiar voice say, "John, I'm back here."
Received from Thomas S. Ellsworth.
--

The year is 1905 -- one hundred years ago. What a difference
a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the year 1905:
The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven
dollars.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads
in the U.S.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more
heavily populated than California.
With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st
most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.
The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2,000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and
$4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per
year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at
home.
Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had no college education.
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of
which were condemned in the press and by the government as
"substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women washed their hair only once a month, and they
used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New
Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union
yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been
invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high
school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the
counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then a pharmacist said, "Heroin clears the complexion,
gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
(Shocking!)
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least one
full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years!
Received from Tim Krell.
--

Still living at home, bored, and expecting to inherit a
fortune when his sickly widower father died, Robert decided
he needed a woman to keep him company.
So he went to a singles bar, and he searched until he
spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "Right
now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to
her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass away
and I'll inherit over 20 million dollars." The woman went
home with Robert that night.
And four days later, she became his stepmother.
Some men never learn...
Received from Kenneth Thomas.
--

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one
drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,
but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a
musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give
him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And
if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his
sticks and make him a conductor."
Received from Pastor Tim.
--

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a
blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.
She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new
friends he'd meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and came
back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked,
"What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for
school.
"What? Again?" he asked.
Received from Pastor Tim.
--

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the
director, "What is the criterion that defines a patient to
be institutionalized?"
"Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and
ask him to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the
teacup."
"Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would
pull the plug."
(You are not required to tell anyone how you would have done
on this test.)
Received from William Jamerson.
--

St. Peter is very busy in Heaven, so he leaves a sign by the
Pearly Gates: "For Service Ring Bell." Away he goes; he
barely gets started when BING! the bell rings. He rushes
back to the gates, but no one's there.
St. Peter goes back to work when suddenly BING! the bell
rings again. He rushes back to the gates, but no one's
there. A little annoyed, St. Peter goes back to work.
Suddenly, BING! the bell rings again. St. Peter goes back;
again, no one's there. "Okay, that's it," St. Peter says.
"I'm going to hide and watch to see what's going on." So St.
Peter hides, and a moment later, a little old man walks up
and rings the bell.
St. Peter jumps out and yells, "Aha! Are you the guy who
keeps ringing the bell?"
"Yes, that's me," the little old man says.
"Well, why do you keep ringing the bell and going away?" St.
Peter asks.
"They keep resuscitating me," he replies.
Received from Doug Burton.
--

Brought to you by GCFL.net: The Good, Clean Funnies List
A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)
Mail address: GCFL, Box 100, Harvest, AL 35749, USA
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php

A rope walks into a bar and asks for a drink,the barkeep scowls at him and says,"we don't serve ropes here,buddy,take a powder".

Dejected,the rope leaves but has an idea,he ties himself into a knot and frays the ends,looking very sloppy.

He goes back into the bar,orders a drink,the bartender looks at him for a moment and asks,"hey,you ain't one of them rope guys,are ya"?

Rope replies,"no,I'm afraid not".

__________________