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Funny list on how to be a macho man...
1 OPENING JARS - she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and cri*pling the man. Magic. 4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle. 5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish,.... noisy destruction. 6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. , you're hard and you rule. 7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah". 9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. 10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says,"but someone's got to keep the little scr*tes in line". 11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. 15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or bre*st man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, now you're "The Daddy". 16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya." 20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. 21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while theother nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah. 22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?" 24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long, man-sized *****e. 25, CALLING YOUR MATE A **** - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital". |
#2
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[QUOTE=Orkrist]
I dunno wevver t' larf or frow up ! Wot a wobbler?....you got a case of the wannabe's ol' son.... Useda fink I was hard too john....'ad t' prove it now and then. Used t' get in a lot of bovver up the smoke. Got done fer GBH back in the 60's. This little tosser finks he's the kiddie. Hey ! Suggest you watch 'Lock Stock an' Two Smokin' Barrels' an' tell me you dun that too..... Shame.....youth is wasted on the young. Later................... PS.......... Write me ifn' yer needs a translation. EG : Bint = Bird. skirt...fluff...squeeze..g/f...tart...date...etc, etc ...Female friend.. _______________________________________________________________
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[http://languageandgrammar.com/2008/01/14/youve-got-problems-not-issues/ ] "A liberal is someone who feels they owe a great debt to their fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." Last edited by dkveuro; 05-07-2005 at 02:46 AM. |
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Oh come on, you know some of them are kind of funny.
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Quote:
Then again....
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[http://languageandgrammar.com/2008/01/14/youve-got-problems-not-issues/ ] "A liberal is someone who feels they owe a great debt to their fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." |
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Not bad a'tall might.....not bad....
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1986 300SDL, 362K 1984 300D, 138K |
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Quote:
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1985 CA 300D Turbo , 213K mi |
#7
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Quote:
Oh heck.....
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[http://languageandgrammar.com/2008/01/14/youve-got-problems-not-issues/ ] "A liberal is someone who feels they owe a great debt to their fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." |
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