The Laws for British cars - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

boneheaddoctor · #1 11-18-2005, 09:54 PM

The Laws for British Sports Cars
Most of us are familiar with the physical laws thought up by Isaac Newton, the guy who invented gravity. He said things like "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction" and "If you sit under a tree long enough, an apple will eventually fall on your head, provided you are sitting under an apple tree."

Isaac was considered very intelligent and was eventually responsible for the invention of calculus, which was a new kind of math for people who thought math wasn't already hard enough. He is also the reason why, even today, people who work in apple orchards often wear large, protective hats.

Newton's Laws made sense for hundreds of years, and everybody believed them. They believed them right up until the time when British sports cars were invented, when it was suddenly realized that a whole new bunch of laws was going to be needed.

Many distinguished scientists have worked their entire lives to try and figure out why British autos never seem to obey any scientific laws known to man.

These eminent scientists, with names like Morris, Healey, Leyland, Mowog, and Murphy, shook the scientific community when they published their new theory of mechanical behavior called "The Laws for British Sports Cars." Many people are not familiar with the five major laws, so they are listed below with a brief explanation of each.

1. Law of Peculiar Random Nomenclature
The name of a British Sports Car shall consist primarily of letters and numbers, with said letters and numbers chosen in random fashion so that the resultant vehicle name is wholly devoid of meaning.

This law explains why British cars always have spectacularly bad names like 'XKE' or worse yet, 'MGBGT'.

2. Law of Cryptic Instruction
Any book, manual, pamphlet, or text dealing with the maintenance, repair, or restoration of a British Sports Car shall be written so that at least every fourth word will be unknown to the average reader. In the event that any portion of the text is understandable, the information contained therein shall be incorrect.

Most people are familiar with this law. Here is an excerpt from page 132 of the MGA shop manual: "Before rebushing the lower grunnion banjos, you must remove the bonnet facia and undo the A-arm nut with a #3 spanner." All attempts to publish an English language version of this manual have failed.

3. Love of Hardship Law
The more a British Sports Car malfunctions, breaks, and/or falls apart, the more endearing it becomes to the owner.

You buy a British Sports Car. You have had it a year and a half, and have replaced every item on the car at least twice. When the engine is started it sounds as if someone has thrown a handful of ball bearings into a blender. But when someone offers to buy it, you are offended because "It's like part of the family, and besides, it's so much fun to drive." British Sports Car owners often stare into space and smile a lot. This is referred to as the "Foolish Person Syndrome."

4. Law of Non-Functional Attributes
All British Sports Cars, regardless of condition or age, shall always have at least one system or sub-system of components which is entirely non-functional, and cannot be repaired except on a semi-permanent or semi-functional basis.

This is also known as the famous Lucas Electrics Law.

5. Recently Discovered Component Failure Law
Any component of a British Sports Car which is entirely unknown to the owner shall function perfectly, until such time that the owner becomes aware of the component's existence, when it shall instantly fail.

Case in point: I have owned a rather natty MGB for six years. I never knew there was such a thing as a 'Gulp Valve' until I saw new ones offered for sale by Moss Motors. The next day, driving my MGB to work, the Gulp Valve fell off the motor and was run over by a truck.

I do not know what the Gulp Valve gulps, nor do I particularly care to know, since it sounds messy and dangerous. But I figured I would buy a new Gulp Valve and install it myself. One look at the shop manual and I decided to have somebody else install it (see Law of Cryptic Instructions, above).

While I'm driving the car over to the local repair establishment, I notice that the MGB is performing just as well as it ever did and that the loss of the mysterious Gulp Valve has not had any effect on its behavior. I figure this is due to the Non-functional Attribute Law, which means that the Gulp Valve probably wasn't gulping anything anyway, so I decided not to replace it after all.

Three days later the engine had no more oil in it and promptly seized into a solid mass of metal. The tow truck operator, being ignorant of the Love of Hardship Law, offered to take the car off my hands for $100.00. I just smiled.

Uriah · #2 11-18-2005, 10:11 PM

Lucus: Prince of Darkness. Buy the shirt for your friends that drive that stuff...

J. R. B. · #3 11-18-2005, 10:20 PM

When I read about the gulp valve falling off of the motor I knew I was right that British cars have leprosy.

Hatterasguy · #4 11-18-2005, 10:49 PM

Those were pretty funny!

I remember my grandfather was telling me a story the other day about a 70's vintage XJ12 he had a very long time ago. The brake lights never worked right even when it was new. They would work then break then work again. The dealer went nuts trying to fix them and couldn't. So he bought some wire and re wired them himself and just cut out the Jag wiring all together. They worked great until he got rid of it.

Then I remember the 1994 XJ6. The AC worked by law 4. It also decided to burn a bunch of oil at like 50k miles.

Oh and how can I forget about the most recent one the XJ8. The electrical system lives by law number 4. Also the trans blew at 40k miles.

I can't beleive my grandparents still drive Jags but they do.

Tirebiter · #5 11-18-2005, 11:32 PM

A "gulp valve" is slang for EGR valve.

The English drink warm beer because they use Lucas refrigerators

In the past:
1960 Austin Healey bug eye Sprite ..... my first car

1964 XKE roadster ...... oh, the horror

1965 XKE Coupe ....... will I never learn?

1967 Austin Healey 3000 ...... Grrrrr

1967 Bentley ...... just shoot me

Uriah · #6 11-18-2005, 11:48 PM

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of owning a British car, but want to know what it's like: Next big rainstorm, wait till dark, roll down all windows, leave off lights & heater & wipers and go for a drive. Stop at every intersection and throw out a twenty dollar bill. It's not exactly the same, but it's real close.

What do you call a MG with dual exhaust?

A wheelbarrow.

http://www.triumphspitfire.com/Jokes.html
They got some pretty good ones there, that's where I stole these from since my brain isn't working tonight. I used to know LOTS of Lucus jokes, but I've had more then a few British cars too.

MTI · #7 11-19-2005, 02:41 AM

I recall the first time I was introduced to English sports car "technology" . . . an MG TF 1500 that my brother bought whild in the USAF in Germany, I remember that my "job" as the sometime occupant of the narrow area behind the seats was to keep listening to the "tick tick" of the fuel pump and to whack the floorboard with my foot if the ticking stopped.

Later, when the car was being "refurbished" I also learned that you had to just as much a carpenter as mechanic, due to all the ash wood frame body parts. To this day, I've pondered how the Brits beat off the German invasion in WWII . . and wondered why the Germans would have wanted to invade them in the first place.

Ashman · #8 11-19-2005, 04:07 AM

I had a 1980 MGB for 2 years, and the car never had anything wrong with it and worked perfectly..

I swapped the automatic choke for a manual choke because the manual chokes worked better.

I never had wiring issues, all electrical worked great.

only a few things went wrong on that car.

1. The battery was old and cracked on me
2. The oil diaphram in the carb went bad, cost me $14.00 to fix it
3. The gas tank cracked and I replaced it.

Other than that it was tip top, and still passed california emissions. I only got rid of it when I was hit by someone, and the insurance totalled it, paying me out over double what I paid for the car..

Couldn;t complain on that one.

Even my mg mechanic was astounded at how solid and how good the car always ran.

I would definately buy another B one day.. I'm very partial to the 1971-74 models for some reason...

I had planned on doing plenty more mods to the car, like the nice alloy wheels from the moss catalog, dual webers, cross flow head, etc etc, but fate stepped in and took the car from me.

After one more car before the benz, I can rightfully say the benz has not been perfect, but driving anything else just doesn't feel the same.

stats007 · #9 11-19-2005, 04:38 AM

Funny how the British still make some of the best sports cars in the world though

Have fun with your pushrods and live axles!

MikeTangas · #10 11-19-2005, 09:13 AM

Then there is always the "positive earth" electrical system. I always have to think backwards when working on the "B". One of these days I'll even try me hand at rebuilding the knee shocks.

waybomb · #11 11-19-2005, 10:14 AM

I read somehwhere a long time ago about Smoke Theory. It was invented by Lucas. In its simplest terms, what makes the electric work in a British car is the smoke theory. Smoke helps electricity move along the wire. Once the smoke is let out, no more electric.

I wish I could find that paper, it was hilarious.

#12 11-19-2005, 12:36 PM

That is very funny. I love MGs, but mine, with the exception of the first one, have always run pretty well. My 71 right now is the best one I've ever had. Wikepedia says an MGB with modern rubber will outcorner a brand new Mustang, which I'm quite unsure about but found the detail interesting. Probnably some editor at Wikepedia has the British sports car illness. All of the above rules are absolutely true, and absoluitely hilarious.

If anyone is interested, I just had the entire fornt end rebuilt, poly bushes with a larger sway bar, "rally" rear leaf springs (live axle, yeah), heavy duty shock valves on all the "knee" shocks (lever dampers) and Hella 500 amber fog lights. I'll post a link to some pics in a second. Its going in the garage for the winter while I get 15" Minilites and new tires (Fireston Firehawk Indy's).

http://photobucket.com/albums/a93/mattmacklind/?action=view&current=MG2.jpg

boneheaddoctor · #13 11-19-2005, 02:04 PM

I bought my first British car in 1984 , it was a 1970 Triumph GT6+ MKII.

Had a Bentley shop manual and thank got it had lots of photos...as its the only way I figured out what they were talking about....this was in the PRE-World Wide Web days and you didn't have forums like this.

Loved that car...sorry I sold it in 1991

Allanmac · #14 01-15-2007, 05:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by boneheaddoctor

The Laws for British Sports Cars
This law explains why British cars always have spectacularly bad names like 'XKE' or worse yet, 'MGBGT'.

I`ve had a few British sports cars and while I agree with almost all the laws you quoted for sports cars, quite a few of those relate equally well to most other British cars. Luckily, we dont have any truly British car makers anymore, so new cars built in the UK have names again.
However, designating cars just by numbers / letters makes sense in some respects, even if its just to make them sound exotic.
We all know

GT comes from Gran Tourismo, DL = deluxe, and the Jaguar XK is derived from X = experimental, K= latest (1948) design in a range from A upwards.
But MGB? MG = Morris Garages ( not very romantic!) B was the BMC ( British Motor Corporation, again, not romantic or exciting) B-series 1.8 litre petrol engine ( wow)
Then there is the MGBGTV8! To see one driving about was a real rush, but to actually pronounce it correctly at age 10 was a real acheivement.
So, I can only assume, designating British sports cars by numbers and letters was Britains first attempt to help increase the average British kids IQ!

Allan

PaulC · #15 01-15-2007, 09:59 AM

I always liked the MGB. Pretty solidly built (unibody) and roomier than the Triumph TR's. Unfortunately British Leyland was hellbent on spending zero on refinements, particularly after 1967, and when "improvements" were made, they were always done in the cheapest, nastiest manner possible. Just look at the 1975 MGB. In order to meet U.S. bumper height and durability requirements, BL slapped on the ugliest rubber bumpers on the planet, and jacked the car up about 2" on its suspension, pioneering the 2-seat SUV roadster concept. A great car around 1966-67 that had been left to go to hell.