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#1
10-02-2006, 03:51 PM
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Corporate Toasters!!!
Resources > Humour
If Microsoft made toasters If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one. If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster. If CostCo made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em. If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters. 
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#2
10-02-2006, 04:43 PM
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If Benz made a toaster you would have to buy the two CD manuals to keep it working right. It toast very nicely but sometimes the slice lifters would need to be worked on and the vacuum controlled darkness dial would need adjusting. The “L” designated models would toast bagels.
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BENZ THERE DONE THAThttp://www.peachparts.com/shopforum/...c/progress.gif 15 VW Passat TDI 00 E420 98 E300 DT 97 E420 Donor Car - NEED PARTS? PM ME! 97 S500 97 E300D 86 Holden Jackaroo Turbo D 86 300SDL (o\|/o)
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#3
10-02-2006, 05:01 PM
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I have "Celiac- Sprues" disease sooooo NO BREAD FOR ME....
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"It's normal for these things to empty your wallet and break your heart in the process." 2012 SLK 350 1987 420 SEL
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#4
10-02-2006, 05:05 PM
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If Ford made a taoster you would simply plug it in and set the entire house a fire.
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#5
10-02-2006, 05:14 PM
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Why is that?
Quote:
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" We have nothing to fear but the main stream media itself . . . ."- Adapted from Franklin D Roosevelt for the 21st century  OBK #55 1998 Lincoln Continental - Sold Max 1984 300TD 285,000 miles - Sold The Dee8gonator 1987 560SEC 196,000 miles - Sold Orgasmatron - 2006 CLS500 90,000 miles 2002 C320 Wagon 122,000 miles 2016 AMG GTS 12,000 miles
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#6
10-02-2006, 05:18 PM
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the vintage mercedes toaster, model number T456 would be the most effective, durable, and over engineered, to change the heating impliments it would take 4 hours and 7 special tools only still avilable in third world countrys. the next generation the T457 would be slightly more powerful but quality would have taken a sharp decline. sadly model T302 resembled nothing a mercedes toaster ever was, it toasted differently, it looked different, and it had inferior quality, company executives were quoted saying.. "what happened???? lexus toaster incorporated .. thats what happened"
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#7
10-03-2006, 10:55 AM
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Quote:
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TXBill Former owner of a few diesel MB cars 1998 Lexus ES 300 In Chicago We Trust
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#8
10-03-2006, 11:09 AM
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Quote:
__________________
"It's normal for these things to empty your wallet and break your heart in the process." 2012 SLK 350 1987 420 SEL
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#9
10-03-2006, 11:17 AM
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Quote:
__________________
" We have nothing to fear but the main stream media itself . . . ."- Adapted from Franklin D Roosevelt for the 21st century OBK #55 1998 Lincoln Continental - Sold Max 1984 300TD 285,000 miles - Sold The Dee8gonator 1987 560SEC 196,000 miles - Sold Orgasmatron - 2006 CLS500 90,000 miles 2002 C320 Wagon 122,000 miles 2016 AMG GTS 12,000 miles
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#10
10-04-2006, 07:25 PM
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The Ford situation has to do with the cruise control, which is "hot" even when the ignition is turned off. Fords "fix" is to unplug the cruise control and put a plastic cap over the plug, for now. It affects many models across the line because Ford shared the same components for many years and product lines.
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#11
10-04-2006, 08:46 PM
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Gov toasters would be perfectly safe and produce a perfectly toasted slice of bread every week, even if you didn't want it. Every design spec would be perfectly documented and standardized and about 20 years behind private enterprise. Gov would tax people 3.7 times the value of the toaster to make sure that every commercial toaster met minimum safety and performance standards. The gov would create a non-partisan, quasi-governmental panel composed of people from all walks of life, at least half of whom know nothing of bread or toasters. Some would be actively hostile to toasters and bread. This panel would be responsible for recommending tosater regulation.
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