It started out that way.

Saw a Playboy joke of Heisenberg's Physics Center with a map. Map had an arrow that said "You are probably here".

A mathematician, statistician and accountant were finalists for a position as VP in a large corporation. The hiring committee asked them all the same final question:

The mathematician was first."How much is 500 plus 500 ?" , they asked
"1000" he replied without hesitation.
"Thank you", they dismissed him.

Next the statistician."How much is 500 plus 500?"
"On the average, 1000 with 95 % confidence" replied the statistician"
Thank you", they dismissed him.

Next the accountant."How much is 500 plus 500?"
"What would you like it to be?" responded the accountant.
They hired the accountant.


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If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?


An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."


Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y74...ers-lolcat.jpg

schrodingers cat.

(well the box is open so we know the cat's current state.. so not really but a decent play on it with a kitteh)

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.


Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientist does an experiment. He wants to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognizes that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientist writes in his book: A thermometer falls with the speed of light.


Why was the chemist no more?
Because what he thought was H2O was H2SO4


Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:
"Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."


Q: What's the difference between a mathematician and a physicist?
A: A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a strait line while a physicist wants more data.

2 + 2 = 5 (for sufficiently large values of 2 )

Two duck hunters, one a statistician.

Duck crosses in front and hunters pop-up.

First hunter leads too far, shoots and misses.

Statistician aims precisely the same distance BEHIND the duck and shoots: "I got him."

that was rehearsed....

Did you hear about the mathematician with constipation?

He worked it out with a pencil.

There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't. Then a new guy looked at the problem and said,

"Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!"

...


A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.

He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"

The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."

2x + 3y walk into a bar...

Barman says " sorry, we don't do functions"

Plato to Zeno: Are we there yet?

Better than a square root.

But not as good as logs.

What is the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.