I HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6 . Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the F****** cat from across the road and up a tree. Apologies to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little b*****d's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

Bot- thank you I needed a good laugh this a.m. As I am the proud servant of a "feral" cat I can actually understand this process- I have to wrap the pill in a certain gel filled cat treat and hope she eats it, then i have to pry her out from under the bed and pray I don't turn into a bloody stump. When we make it to the vets I do the victory dance in the lobby and they understand. Never underestimate the power of a feral pussy.

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"It's normal for these things to empty your wallet and break your heart in the process."
2012 SLK 350
1987 420 SEL

That's great, Bot.

__________________
" We have nothing to fear but the main stream media itself . . . ."- Adapted from Franklin D Roosevelt for the 21st century

OBK #55

1998 Lincoln Continental - Sold
Max 1984 300TD 285,000 miles - Sold
The Dee8gonator 1987 560SEC 196,000 miles - Sold
Orgasmatron - 2006 CLS500 90,000 miles
2002 C320 Wagon 122,000 miles
2016 AMG GTS 12,000 miles

Arizona, my late Maine Coon, was something like this. A good thing I never had to give him pills.

At age 15, he developed diabetes. When the vet told me the big cat needed insulin injections, I said, "There's no way." It turned out to be a breeze (quick subcutaneous injection while he was having breakfast and again at dinner), and so did the feedings I had to give him earlier that year through a stomach tube. Maybe it was because he was older and calmer by then.
.

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* *
-- Paul W. (The Benzadmiral)
('03 Buick Park Avenue, charcoal/cream)
Formerly:
'97 C230, smoke silver/parchment; '86 420SEL, anthracite/light grey; '84 280CE (W123), dark blue/palomino

Having had performed that very process several times, and can fully attest to its veracity, I will say the only thing that comes remotely close is trying to give liquid medicine to a child who has absolutely no desire to let that dropper anywhere near his/her mouth. Although I'm not sure I could get away with wrapping a kid tightly in a towel and jamming said medicine down their throats.

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1980 300TD-China Blue/Blue MBTex-2nd Owner, 107K (Alt Blau) OBK #15
'06 Chevy Tahoe Z71 (for the wife & 4 kids, current mule) '03 Honda Odyssey (son #1's ride, reluctantly) '99 GMC Suburban (255K+ miles, semi-retired mule) 21' SeaRay Seville (summer escape pod)

No kidding. When my younger daughter was about five, she was sick, had a high fever, and was delirious. She would not take medicine orally for any reason. I had to take her to the doctor and then hold her down while the doctor gave her shots in both of her thighs. She screamed bloody murder and I felt terrible about it. Oddly, I never had a problem getting her to take her medicine after that.

__________________
" We have nothing to fear but the main stream media itself . . . ."- Adapted from Franklin D Roosevelt for the 21st century

OBK #55

1998 Lincoln Continental - Sold
Max 1984 300TD 285,000 miles - Sold
The Dee8gonator 1987 560SEC 196,000 miles - Sold
Orgasmatron - 2006 CLS500 90,000 miles
2002 C320 Wagon 122,000 miles
2016 AMG GTS 12,000 miles

Howdy Bot,
When people ask me about owning so many dogs I just say "4 dogs are easier than one cat". :-)

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Frank X. Morris
17 Kia Niro
08 Jeep Wrangler 4 door unlimited

My ole spaniel would have to take medication for her glaucoma. I'd just hold the little pill out and she'd happily accept it and swallow it. I thought it was rather strange she would just take it like that but I'd just hug her as her reward, maybe she just liked the affection.

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1985 CA 300D Turbo , 213K mi

Put pill in a bug costume and slide across the floor.

Or show said cat the suppository version