Jokes that do offend.... - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

Lebenz · #1 02-06-2004, 11:34 AM

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

Cap'n Carageous · #2 02-06-2004, 12:54 PM

Tracy, tell em the one about the Rabbi!!!

Lebenz · #3 02-06-2004, 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cap'n Carageous
Tracy, tell em the one about the Rabbi!!!

Somehow i just don't think it would go over so well. But this might....

Botnst · #4 06-18-2006, 08:52 PM

The world's funniest joke was written by Spike Milligan
By Roger Highfield, Science Editor
(Filed: 09/06/2006)

Detective work by a professor investigating the psychology of humour has revealed that Spike Milligan was the author of the world's funniest joke.

Five years ago, Prof Richard Wiseman, of the University of Hertfordshire, did an online experiment in which 300,000 people from around the world took part in LaughLab, where they voted for the best gag.

Yesterday, at the Cheltenham Science Festival, Prof Wiseman said he has now discovered that it was almost certainly written by Milligan.

The joke runs as follows: Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

"It is very rare to be able to track down the origin of any joke but this is an exception," said Prof Wiseman. "There is some very rare footage from 1951 showing the Goons in their first TV appearance. Just by chance I saw it on a documentary and saw a version of the very same joke."

The material would have been written by Spike Milligan and the script reads:

Michael Bentine: I just came in and found him lying on the carpet there.

Peter Sellers: Oh, is he dead?

Bentine: I think so.

Sellers: Hadn't you better make sure?

Bentine: All right. Just a minute.

Sound of two gun shots.

Bentine: He's dead.

Prof Wiseman contacted Milligan's daughter, Sile, and she is as certain as she can be that he would have written the gag. She said she was "delighted that dad wrote the world's funniest joke".

Prof Wiseman said: "I think what is interesting here is that a joke from the 1950s still works, and how it has transformed over time from a cosy sitting room to hunters in New Jersey."

He added: "Spike Milligan was clearly into surreal humour. The sort of people who like his stuff will be people with a high tolerance for ambiguity because the sketches don't really have a sense of closure."

Mistress · #5 06-19-2006, 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lebenz

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

And who says your can't buy happiness? We need MedMechs avatar right now...

aklim · #6 06-19-2006, 02:54 PM

Two men go for a walk in the woods. Suddenly one of them gets bitten in the groin area by a snake. They try make it back but they realized that the bite victim should not walk or the poison would spread. The other man goes back to get help. He finds a phone and calls 911.

Man 1: Help, my friend got bit by a snake in the woods.
911 : You are going to have to suck out the poison till we can get there

Man goes back to the friend

Man 2: What did they say?
Man 1: You are going to die.

NKowi · #7 06-19-2006, 06:03 PM

Ask for tasteless, get tasteless. I apologize in advance.

A terrible shipwreck left but two survivors; a young, healthy, virile, heterosexual man, the other a stunningly beautiful young woman who, unfortunately for the young man, was a nun.

After about two years the young man finally convinced her that they'd never be rescued and convinced her to have sex with him.

However, after about a year of this sexual activity, the former nun became so ashamed at what she'd been doing that she took sick and passed away. And about a year after that, the young man became so ashamed about what he'd been doing that he buried her.

Hatterasguy · #8 06-19-2006, 06:23 PM

Their was a super liberal aeithest professor at a university in CA. Their was also a Navy Seal taking a class that he taught. One day the professor walks in and yells "If you exist God strike me down in the next ten minutes!" The class looks on, after five minutes he says "Well where are you God, I am waiting?" Then with one minute left the Seal gets up walks over to him and punch's him hard, knocking him out. When the professor wakes up he asks the Seal why he punched him, the Seal says "God was too busy protecting our soliders overseas, who are busy protecting idiots like you. He sent me insted"

aklim · #9 06-19-2006, 07:32 PM

A horny guy went to the whorehouse and asked the madam how much the girls were.

Madam: Girls here are usually $100 a time but since it is slow, $80.
Man: What can I get for $5
Madam: I'm sorry sir but the best I can offer you is a Playboy magazine

Man goes away and hocks his shirt for $5
Man: Will you take $10 for a girl?
Madam: I'm sorry but I can't go that low. Best I can offer is the Playboy mag.

Man goes away and hocks his shoes for $10.
Man: I now have $20. Is it possible we can work something out?
Madam: That is going to be really difficult because that is way too low.

Man goes away and hocks his pants for $10
Man: Will $30 be workable?
Madam: Well, it is a slow night. Go See Marlene and knock on the door.

Man Knocks on the door and hears an elderly voice say "Come in" He opens the door and the lights were out but since he was horny, he said figured that he would give it a try. After going for a few minutes, he mentioned to her that it felt really rough there. She told him to stop and give her a few minutes. When she got back to bed, he went again and found it was the best he has had in a long time. After it was said and done, he asked her what she did to make it so good.

Marlene: Oh, not much. I scratched off the scabs and let the pus flow.

Lebenz · #10 06-19-2006, 07:43 PM

It took 2 years and 4 months to show why this topic was a bad idea.