Creationism: About 7,000 years ago God created the universe. He did Earth in 7 days—first He did the basic frame; then the water; then the dirt; then the air; then the trees and plants (the landscaping); then the animals, fishies and birdies; and then the guy and the girl. Adam and Eve, He named them. God rested on the 7 th. day.

Pooped out—totally exhausted.

God gave Adam a pee pee (also known as a doodle or simply as “privates") to make him a man. Adam got lonely, for obvious reasons; and started to fall into a deep depression. Adam wanted to watch too much TV, but there was no TV to be found since it hadn’t been invented yet. Zoloft, Paxil and Prozac were not available back then either, not even from Canada.

Adam couldn’t even engage in gay sex since there were no other men around. As a matter of fact, sex was not even an option since Adam was the only living person on earth.Adam was allowed to touch and hold his pee pee if he had to urinate but for no other reason, if you know what I mean.

One of God’s first rules was, “Adam, you should not have impure thoughts.” Adam actually didn’t have any thoughts whatsoever since he didn’t know who he was, where he was, what he was there for, what he was suppose to do or not do, and didn’t even know that he was on a place called Earth or that he was the first.

God just plunked him down in the Garden of Eden with no money, no weapons, no driver’s license, no passport, no clothes, and no instructions. Adam had no mother and no father; no brothers and no sisters; no grandparents; no nothing. He sure as hell didn’t have time for “impure thoughts.” But things were about to change.

God took a rib from Adam. He ripped it right out of Adams chest; no anesthesia or nothing. God put the rib in some water with some Miracle Grow or something and he created Eve. This means that God Himself cloned Eve from Adam’s rib. God also liked to do “stem cell research” in His spare time. And to Eve, He gave a wee wee to make her a woman. He made them to be about 30 years old according to the most recently available photographs of them of which there are numerous reprints in most Christian schools.

According to the photos, Adam and Eve were white Caucasians. Therefore, no one really knows how all the blacks, Hispanics, olive skinned Mediterranean types, American Indians, Eskimos, and other non-whites got that way. It might have been too much sunshine with no sunscreen available, or maybe it was their diet.

In 5000 years Hispanics, Chinese, Latinos (who were named after the Latin language called Latin), American Indians (who are not from India) and especially Blacks (who are named after the Crayola crayon called Black) have made “tremendous strides” according to white, Caucasian TV commentators. Look at Michael Jackson. He has turned White before our very eyes. (This is why Michael Jackson wanted an all-white jury for his child molestation trial).

And Oprah Winfrey’s facial features have evolved through the process of 20 years of evolution to resemble those of a Caucasian. This in itself proves the existence of the theory of evolution.

The pee pee, in combination with the wee wee worked out good (or well, depending on the proper use of English). Adam could now be a man; and Eve was given the right to be a woman, if she behaved and didn’t get out of hand, or start to have hot flashes and freak out once a month.

God created the menstrual cycle for Eve. He gave her cramps. He gave her headaches. Hot flashes. It was a mess. And sometimes Eve could be a real *****. Adam could never understand it.

The menstrual cycle was one of God’s master achievements. The only way Eve could get rid of her damn menstrual cycle was to let Adam and his pee pee come in direct contact with her wee wee which resulted in her menstrual cycle shutting down for 9 months. However, the alternative of giving birth was hardly a welcome trade off.

The menstrual cycle was one of God’s crowning glories of mis-design----a true engineering disaster. God originally designed a 28 day, monthly menstrual cycle. However, He designed months with 30 days in them and some months even had 31. God developed a little poetic jingle so women could remember when their period was coming. It went like this - “30 days hath September, April, June and November; all the rest hath 31, except for February to which we 28 days assign, until leap year gives it 29.” This is how women keep track. It was all part of God’s Master Plan.

This screwed everything up since after a few years of 28 day menstrual cycles plus with Christmas, Easter, Washington’s Birthday, Lincoln’s Birthday, Lent, the long Thanksgiving Day weekend, National Cheese Day, and God’s poetic jingle - not a woman alive could tell when her bad time of month was going to start. Switching back and forth from Daylight Savings Time to Eastern Standard Time didn’t help either. And of course, having sex and getting pregnant would put the entire system into “shutdown mode” which would then have to be re-started nine months later. It’s like trying to shut down and re-start a nuclear power plant. A woman getting pre-menstrual cramps, hot flashes and headaches is like a nuclear meltdown anyway. You don’t want to be anywhere near it.

This is why God created the Blessed Virgin Mary - so she wouldn’t have to be tortured with this experience. The Blessed Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus without even having had sex. It was nice, clean, simple, tidy and - virginal. This is what the State of Virginia is named after as well as 100% Virgin Olive Oil. Also, when you hear about a “virgin forest” it is a forest that hasn’t had sex yet. Virgin wool comes from sheep that don’t have sex.

God’s design of the menstrual cycle is responsible for more lost human productivity, lost wages, lost work, and spontaneous outbursts of rage and violence than any other of God’s mistakes. It does accomplish one very important thing - it keeps men “in check.”

It is the one thing that makes a man “back off” - a woman who can flip out for no reason. God was going to give Man a menstrual cycle also but when He drew up the plans, at the last minute, being that this was the time of Creationism, he decided to give Adam some testicles instead. God can do anything He wants. He’s God. So God just said, “Let there be a menstrual cycle,” and it just happened. And then He said, “Let there be testicles,” and it just happened. This is Creationism at its most basic. All Christians should be taught this.

Adam was given testicles because men need balls to go into war and fight savagely and viciously. If one has what is known in technical terms as a pussy one can not fight an aggressive, life and death, hand to hand combat, battle. One has to have balls to do that. Most women have pussies or wee wee’s and most men have testicles or balls. The bigger the balls the better. The smaller the pussy the better. Its all part of God’s Master Plan. This was indeed part of Creationism and should be mandatory teaching in all schools.

Note: Generally men are encouraged to scratch their balls even though they don’t get very itchy. Women are forbidden to scratch their pussy even though the itching may be unbearable. Drug companies make billions of dollars on this type of vaginal itch phenomena. Its part of Evolution.

Anyway, Adam and Eve lived near a big apple tree and a snake came by that was really the Devil but he spoke good English. Most snakes spoke good English back 7,000 years ago. The snake spoke to Eve and said, “Eat the apple if you want to be happy.” The Devil was some kind of local fresh fruit salesman so Eve did not suspect that this was a trick to see if she could be lured into the mortal sin of eating an apple.

She had always been told to eat lots of fruits and vegetables all her life (ever since she was Created at the age of 30), and to eat a balanced diet so she just did not know the snake was the Devil in disguise. She thought it was just some ordinary snake giving her a hard time about not eating apples.

Eve tried to resist but how can you NOT eat an apple when a snake speaks really good English and tells you not to eat the apple. It’s like telling a woman to NOT eat the chocolates on St. Valentines Day. Adam just stood around looking suspicious. So Eve went and took a bite out of the nice red apple.

At that point God got really mad because this was all just a “set up” to see if Eve, the one with the wee wee, could resist the commands of the Devil who was disguised as an English-speaking snake. So God yelled out from up in Heaven, “Eve, you have sinned, you ate the freakin’ apple!”

Adam said, “Holy ****, Eve, look what you’ve done now. Christ, our goose is cooked.” God made Adam an accomplice of Eve’s and He cast them out of the Garden of Eden which was a pretty nice garden back in those days (which is where the term “garden apartments” comes from).