The Real Definitions of Tools


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about
the time it takes you to say, "Yeou crap...."


ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.


SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.


BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.


VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.


WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.


TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.


HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.


EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.


TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.


E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.


RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.


TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.


AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.


TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.


PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.


STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.


AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by
someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to
quickly snap off lug nuts.


PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.


HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make
gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.


MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.


Darnet TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling "Darnet" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need.

Great!!! Thanks

That is the funniest thing that I have read since 'Hints from Heloise' that she could not use.

wtf is a whitworth socket

Found on this site: http://www.sheldonbrown.com/gloss_w.html

Sir Joseph Whitworth was one of the great inventors of the 19th century. He invented the milling machine, and was the first to manufacture all-metal machine tools. I believe that he was also connected with the Rudge bicycle company (later acquired by Raleigh).
He was also one of the first to establish a standardized set of screw threads and wrench sizes. Whitworth fasteners were used in British industry up until the late 1960's, when Britain adopted the metric system. The Whitworth system is now virtually extinct.

Whitworth fasteners used a 55 degree thread angle. The wrench sizes were confusingly marked, the wrenches are all larger than you would think. This is because the dimension given on a Whitworth wrench is the diameter of the bolt thread usual for that size wrench, rather than the size of the head. Some Whitworth wrenches even have two marked sizes, because the same head size is used with one coarse thread and a different diameter fine thread.

Some of the smaller sized Whitworth threads are interchangeable with S.A.E. threads.

__________________
It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so. Robert A. Heinlein


09 Jetta TDI
1985 300D

You obviously missed this definition......

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.


Whitworth actually was a tool sized to the bolt rather than the head. In other words a 1/2" Whitworth was a wrench that was used to turn a 1/2 bolt.

__________________
1982 300SD " Wotan" ..On the road as of Jan 8, 2007 with Historic Tags

Nice!

__________________
Chris
2007 E550 4Matic - 61,000 Km - Iridium Silver, black leather, Sport package, Premium 2 package
2007 GL450 4Matic - 62,000 Km - Obsidian Black Metallic, black leather, all options
1998 E430 - sold
1989 300E - 333,000 Km - sold
1977 280E - sold
1971 250 - retired

"And a frign hat. They gave me a hat at the annual benefits meeting. I said. how does this benefit me. I dont have anything from the company.. So they gave me a hat." - TheDon

This explains the goofy socket set I nicked from my dad.

__________________
1977 300d 70k--sold 08
1985 300TD 185k+
1984 307d 126k--sold 8/03
1985 409d 65k--sold 06
1984 300SD 315k--daughter's car
1979 300SD 122k--sold 2/11
1999 Fuso FG Expedition Camper
1993 GMC Sierra 6.5 TD 4x4
1982 Bluebird Wanderlodge CAT 3208--Sold 2/13