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#1
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Unkind cut
THE CASTRATION OF SAM MCGEE by C. Wayne Lammers
There are strange things done in the midnight sun By the men who mole for gold There are stories there That will curl your hair And make your blood run cold But the strangest sight In the arctic night I ever chanced to see Was that night on the varge of Lake LaBarge We castrated Sam McGee It was well into fall as I recall And the weather was starting to blow The chill in the air Would freeze in our hair And turn it white as snow And the pecker-poll trees With icicles for leaves Had bent their backs with the strain And the search for gold had left us as cold As the freezing, drizzling rain It was late one night by an oil lamp's light With only the stars on guard In a leaky old tent With the center pole bent We all were playing cards There was Tommy Glen, from Oregon And, as best I can recall, A man named Kent, Who did relent He had no home at all There was Tom Cartee from Tennessee But the man I remember best Was Injin Joe, who, wouldn't you know Was worst than all the rest Some said his home Was way up in Nome Where he took him an Eskimo wife And then one day Or, so they say, He killed her with an Ulu knife As I started to say, on that fateful day Sam's luck was running bad Which he proclaimed With heart-felt pain "The worst he'd ever had" He bet his Soul And all his gold On the last hand he could play And Injin Joe smiled, oh so slow And said, "I think I'll raise" Old Sam turned pale and started to wail "I've nothing left to bet!" And Injin Joe, with his eyes aglow Said, "You ain't finished yet" He picked up his pile And, all the while He slowly let it fall And my blood ran cold When he said, "All my gold, I'll bet against your Balls" Sam started to sweat and with deep regret Took a sneek-peak at his hand As Injin Joe let his thumb run slow On the Ulu knife, and then Sam McGee Sitting next to me Said, "By God, I'll Call" Then giving a nod And caressing his cods Said, "Let them pasteboards fall" "Take it slow," cried Injin Joe "It's a serious game we play You called my bet But I do regret I haven't seen your stakes!" "For goodness sakes, It's not his stakes," Cartee said to us all "He won't relent I do lament He wants to see Sam's Balls!" Breathes there a man with steady hand Who has wagered both his Cods Who won't complain the petty pain Of peeks and pokes and nods In spite of his fright He was quite a sight, But the gold shown in his eyes Sam swallowed hard And dropped his cards As he began to rise He slipped the rope with feverent hope, That held his baggy jeans We started to stare As he trembled there, His pants around his knees The lump in his throat was tight as a rope As he let his underwear fall And Injin Joe Leaned forward, slow, To inspect Sam's dangling Balls "It's a marvelous pair that you've got there" Injin Joe exclaimed Then he started to cry With a tear in his eye As he told us of his pain "I was drunk one night and started a fight With my wife, as I recall, And I paid the price From her Ulu knife When she cut off both my Balls!" "With this same knife I killed my wife" Said Injin Joe to Sam "And I'll confess I can not rest Without a pair of them. So I'll bet my Soul and all my gold And if you lose this time, I want you to know I'll still have my gold And your Balls will then be mine!" What a gruesome sight in the Arctic night Sam's Balls were hanging low Then he swallowed hard And picked up his cards And spread 'em out-reeeal slooooow The Injin grinned and spread his-then, As quick as a deer in the fall He made a slice With the Ulu knife And cut off both Sam's Balls Sam screamed and cried, I thought he'd died The way he carried on And all that night By the oil lamp's light He cursed and kicked and moaned But Injin Joe Was all aglow As he stroked Sam's grizzly Cods With a far-away stare that would chill the air Said, "I've got a pair, By God!" The weeks went by and the Arctic sky Began to lighten slow Our band turned west to Sam's protest With thoughts of Spring and gold Sam's Balls were dried And securely tied Round the neck of Injin Joe And they dangled there, That gruesome pair, Wherever he would go Old Sam would stare at the severed pair A teardrop in his eye And he swore to God He'd get some Cods, someday, by and by Now, the trail was rough And the men were tough But the mountains reached the sky And as we climbed Sam fell behind And then we heard him cry On a weathered knoll that was far below We saw his face turn pale Then he fell on his knees By a pecker-poll tree That grew beside the trail We ran below in the knee-deep snow To Sam's persistent call And we found a cave On that fateful day With an entrance exceedingly small As we peered in the hole, that was dark and cold We saw an Eskimo's bones And we wondered there In the cold, still air If this had been his home But Injin Joe, who was in the know Said this was a burial place Then he gave out a groan That was sort of a moan And a smile came on his face At the back of the hole was a pile of gold That was all a man could haul And Injin Joe Crawling forward slow Got stuck and started to squall He squirmed and tried to get inside The gold shown in his eyes But, try as he might The hole was too tight To admit his massive thighs We called on Sam to make the try Since he was exceptionally small But we failed to spy The gleam in his eye That said he'd have it all Now some might say It was just his way Of getting even and all And who could blame him, after all, We'd cut off both his balls The last we heard of Sam that day As he slipped through a back hole in the cave Was his rounding laugh As he made his dash And drug the gold away Twas not a place To say the least For a righteous man to be And we all swore to hunt him down He'd never more be free It was early fall, as I recall Before we chanced to meet We'd stumbled down To a Gold Rush town To Libate our defeat In the back of the saloon On a fancy chair Sorrounded by ladies of the night Sat Sam McGee from Tennessee What a magnificient sight We found him in the Golden Spur Surrounded by wealth untold The opulence there Still curls my hair And makes my blood run cold We could only stare at his flipitant aire With all the wealth we'd dreamed Then he opened his coat And around his neck Two Golden Balls swung free On that fateful night we paid the price For Castrating Sam McGee And I wonder now Just who has the pair The Castrated, or the Cas-tra-tee Still, all in all It was quite a haul But I remember the way he'd squalled He may have got the best of us But at least I still have my balls |
#2
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I am at a loss for words. Believe it or not.
__________________
"It's normal for these things to empty your wallet and break your heart in the process." 2012 SLK 350 1987 420 SEL |
#3
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If that's a choice and not a rhetorical question ... "not."
It would make your face all puffy and your eyes would bug-out. B |
#4
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Been there, done that.
__________________
"It's normal for these things to empty your wallet and break your heart in the process." 2012 SLK 350 1987 420 SEL |
#5
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You know, I'm thinking your suspicions about camel migration is not too unfounded.
B |
#6
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Bravo! Bravo! WTF did you come across that, Bot? In the course of legitmate goverment research?
I've always dug "the Cremation of Sam Magee." This is icing on the cake!
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Never a dull moment at Berry Hill Farm. |
#7
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I didn't think anyone could best Service with a ballad but that's real close.
I once tried to read The Cremation of Sam McGee to my daughter's second grade class. I was denied due to the fact that the teacher thought the material unsuitable for children.
__________________
1977 300d 70k--sold 08 1985 300TD 185k+ 1984 307d 126k--sold 8/03 1985 409d 65k--sold 06 1984 300SD 315k--daughter's car 1979 300SD 122k--sold 2/11 1999 Fuso FG Expedition Camper 1993 GMC Sierra 6.5 TD 4x4 1982 Bluebird Wanderlodge CAT 3208--Sold 2/13 |
#8
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Quote:
I'm trying to imagine the department of gov where that would be legitimate research. B |
#9
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The senator's office determining whether the bridge over Lake Lebarge is justified to save people from either freezing or castration.
__________________
1977 300d 70k--sold 08 1985 300TD 185k+ 1984 307d 126k--sold 8/03 1985 409d 65k--sold 06 1984 300SD 315k--daughter's car 1979 300SD 122k--sold 2/11 1999 Fuso FG Expedition Camper 1993 GMC Sierra 6.5 TD 4x4 1982 Bluebird Wanderlodge CAT 3208--Sold 2/13 |
#10
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^^^ He went nuts.
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#11
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Quote:
__________________
"It's normal for these things to empty your wallet and break your heart in the process." 2012 SLK 350 1987 420 SEL |
#12
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A guy walks into a new pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
#1 CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 #2 CHICKEN SANDWICH :$2.50 #3 HANDJOB: $10.00 Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving drinks to a meager looking group of men. 'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?' 'I was wondering', whispers the man, 'are you the one who gives the #3?' 'Yes', she purrs, 'I am.' The man replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.' |
#13
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__________________
"It's normal for these things to empty your wallet and break your heart in the process." 2012 SLK 350 1987 420 SEL |
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