Whats your Favorite Quick Joke And or Pun - Page 8 - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

The Clk Man · #**106** 09-25-2010, 09:40 PM

The clkman walks into a bar.

layback40 · #**107** 09-25-2010, 09:47 PM

A blonde texts her b/f saying that she doesn't understand what IDK means, and wondering if he understood what it meant.

He replied back saying "I don't know"

The blonde immediately texts her b/f back and says "OMG NOBODY DOES!!!!!!!"

layback40 · #**108** 09-25-2010, 09:51 PM

Test for Dementia

Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong. If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are in second.

Now answer the second question, but take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are in what place?

Answer:

If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the last person? You can't be behind the last person, that would make you last, and you can't overtake yourself.

Third Question:

Here is some very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

Take 100 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu? Well you would be wrong. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

Okay, now the bonus question:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants?

He opens his mouth and asks.

layback40 · #**109** 09-25-2010, 09:53 PM

Art Thief

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to tell you this one!)

Well, I figured I have nothing Toulouse.

Honus · #**110** 09-25-2010, 09:53 PM

Sorry if someone already told this one:

They found a hole in the wall over at the nudist colony. The police are looking into it.

JimF · #**111** 09-26-2010, 01:28 PM

From the king of the one-liners . . . Henny Youngman . . .

Why do Jewish men die before their wives . . . . . . because they want to!

aklim · #**112** 09-27-2010, 09:06 AM

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B. Johnson

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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L.. Mencken
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
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BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group -Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher

~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One night at Cheers, Cliff Calvin explained the" Buffalo Theory" to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Since66 · #**113** 09-28-2010, 11:00 AM

Thieves have broken into the local police station and stolen all the toilets.

Detectives have nothing to go on.

kip Foss · #**114** 09-28-2010, 10:50 PM

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O 'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself; didn't you have something in your hand?"

“That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

kip Foss · #**115** 09-28-2010, 11:02 PM

Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main street. She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

layback40 · #**116** 09-29-2010, 01:19 AM

For the ClkMan ,

The center for Disease Control Board has issued a medical alert about a highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK).

If you see anyone infected by WORK, don't go near him/her. The virus will wipe out your private life entirely.

If you come in contact with this WORK, you should immediately take at least two of your friends to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center to take 1 or both of the antidotes known as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE) and "Bothersome Employer Elimination Reboot-er"(BEER) and continue its dosage till WORK is eliminated from your system completely.

layback40 · #**117** 09-29-2010, 01:41 AM

Subject: Scout letter to his Mum.

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

kip Foss · #**118** 09-29-2010, 11:05 AM

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat’s lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

aklim · #**119** 09-29-2010, 11:44 AM

If this was what you had to look forward to, why not keep drinking?

kip Foss · #**120** 09-29-2010, 09:59 PM

He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.