Stop. Breathe. Et al, V2.0

[ramonajim]

FIL is filling out his Maryland MVA questionnaire, in hopes of getting his driver's license back.

Me: Ed - you can't say that you haven't fallen in the last three years. How many times have I had to pick you up off the floor in the last three months?!?!?

Ed: This is just for the MVA. They don't need to know that stuff.

Me: Ed - you hit a busload of nuns and puppies because you can't make your right arm work... we're GOING TO HAVE WORDS.

Ed: I'm not going to hit a busload of nuns.......

Me: You. CANNOT. LIE. ON. THIS. FORM. You're good people Ed, but you are broken. Tell the truth. Please.

Ed: I could drive to California tonight and be fine.


At some point, this is going to come down to plug wires removed from his f'n car. And he is going to hate me for it. But he is NOT going to drive when he can't even button his own damn shirt.

[cmbdiesel]

Originally Posted by ramonajim

FIL is filling out his Maryland MVA questionnaire, in hopes of getting his driver's license back.

Me: Ed - you can't say that you haven't fallen in the last three years. How many times have I had to pick you up off the floor in the last three months?!?!?

Ed: This is just for the MVA. They don't need to know that stuff.

Me: Ed - you hit a busload of nuns and puppies because you can't make your right arm work... we're GOING TO HAVE WORDS.

Ed: I'm not going to hit a busload of nuns.......

Me: You. CANNOT. LIE. ON. THIS. FORM. You're good people Ed, but you are broken. Tell the truth. Please.

Ed: I could drive to California tonight and be fine.


At some point, this is going to come down to plug wires removed from his f'n car. And he is going to hate me for it. But he is NOT going to drive when he can't even button his own damn shirt.

Tough one, losing the ability to drive....
Best of luck with convincing Ed that his time of driving is over.

What's a plug wire?

[Mölyapina]

Originally Posted by cmbdiesel

What's a plug wire?

Eh, it just sounds like a clumsy way of saying that he will be disconnecting the glow plugs.

[Mölyapina]

I remember that getting my grandfather to stop driving was a never-ending issue... he didn't actually get a stroke or anything like that, his driving was just atrocious. We live in such a car-centered society that giving up driving is the equivalent of giving up freedom in many ways... asking him to do this probably doesn't make you the #1 person in his life at that moment either, I am sure. Your FIL, you, and your wife are in my prayers.

[t walgamuth]

Yes, prayers for you all. You are doing the right thing though in discouraging him from lying.

[Botnst]

Originally Posted by ramonajim

FIL is filling out his Maryland MVA questionnaire, in hopes of getting his driver's license back.

Me: Ed - you can't say that you haven't fallen in the last three years. How many times have I had to pick you up off the floor in the last three months?!?!?

Ed: This is just for the MVA. They don't need to know that stuff.

Me: Ed - you hit a busload of nuns and puppies because you can't make your right arm work... we're GOING TO HAVE WORDS.

Ed: I'm not going to hit a busload of nuns.......

Me: You. CANNOT. LIE. ON. THIS. FORM. You're good people Ed, but you are broken. Tell the truth. Please.

Ed: I could drive to California tonight and be fine.


At some point, this is going to come down to plug wires removed from his f'n car. And he is going to hate me for it. But he is NOT going to drive when he can't even button his own damn shirt.

You're right. Stick with it.

Golly, that's tough. I can tell you like the guy, too. That can't make it any easier.

[TwitchKitty]

Send him to driving school and let them make the call. An attentive disabled driver is probably better than many of these "death mask don't give a 5h1t drivers", or morons for short.

You don't have to be the bad guy and it gives him something to do for a while.

Once again, get him a girlfriend who drives and can afford viagra.

[ramonajim]

Ed hasn't driven since his last major stroke over a year ago. He hasn't lived on his own since his bypass surgery over two years ago. He's itchin' to get his license back, and I can certainly understand why.

State of Maryland has what appears to be a pretty good evaluation process - this questionnaire is part of it. He also has to provide names and phone numbers for every doc he's seen in the past three years, and sign an authorization for the state to ask them about his conditions. No way Ed could compile that list for the even last three weeks, so Darling Wife will make sure that part is complete.

The process also includes a competency evaluation; I have no clue how comprehensive that is.... if he gets past the medical eval, I guess we'll find out.

This is a guy who had to have me button his shirt yesterday.... and the whole time I was buttoning it, he was drooling on my hands. He can't buckle a belt or tie a string on his pants. He can't get doors closed 80% of the time (fridge, microwave, bathroom, bedroom, car, etc). He can't buckle his own seat belt. He doesn't notice ANYTHING that is going on to the left of his centerline. That little detail seems kinda important in that whole "driving" arena.

Part of what was damaged in his strokes is his ability to assess his own condition. He sincerely believes that he is perfectly capable of driving. Of cooking. Of using his computer (never mind the hundreds of bounced emails he gets back because he can't type in a correct email address).

Yeah, I like the guy. He has a heart of absolute gold. He would never intentionally hurt anyone.

We're counting down the days until the dreaded Obamacare (OMG OMG OMG!!! Scary stuff!!!) kicks in; we'll be able to get him back on insurance (lovely system we have now means a) NOBODY will insure him even if we could afford it, and b) his massive $175 a week SS benefit means he makes too much money for Medicare).

Once he's insured, we restart PT/OT and trying to find the level at which he can function outside the house without putting himself and all those busloads of nuns with puppies at risk.

[ramonajim]

Originally Posted by cmbdiesel

What's a plug wire?

Point

Shorthand for "Ed's car just might be impossible to start even after I replace the battery."

And yeah, his car is a diesel, so my shorthand looks particularly silly

[P.C.]

Just turn on the headlights and hide the battery charger and jumper cables.

[Brian Carlton]

Originally Posted by ramonajim

We're counting down the days until the dreaded Obamacare (OMG OMG OMG!!! Scary stuff!!!) kicks in; we'll be able to get him back on insurance (lovely system we have now means a) NOBODY will insure him even if we could afford it, and b) his massive $175 a week SS benefit means he makes too much money for Medicare).

I'm a bit confused by the above paragraph.

If he is collecting S/S retirement income...........presumably, he is over 65 and eligible for Medicare.

There is no income limit on Medicare at the present time, AFAIK.

If he is below full retirement age, how is he collecting S/S?

[ramonajim]

SSI - limited payout, doesn't require full retirement age. He signed up for it without letting us know, effectively cutting off his path to Medicare.

Ed's 63. Most of his adult life, he was "self-employed" and has hated "The Man" with sufficient passion that he a) didn't pay his SS taxes as he should have, so has next to no qualifying quarters, and b) didn't bother to file tax returns for, oh, a decade or two.

[kerry]

Originally Posted by ramonajim

SSI - limited payout, doesn't require full retirement age. He signed up for it without letting us know, effectively cutting off his path to Medicare.

Ed's 63. Most of his adult life, he was "self-employed" and has hated "The Man" with sufficient passion that he a) didn't pay his SS taxes as he should have, so has next to no qualifying quarters, and b) didn't bother to file tax returns for, oh, a decade or two.

Jesus!

[ramonajim]

Originally Posted by kerry

Jesus!

Eggzachary.

I'm guessing that Ed is younger than a whole bunch of the folks in this here fine community. Folks perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.

He's young enough to be my brother. Way to young to be my father (he's a couple weeks shy of being ten years older than me). Ma was half a year younger than Ed.

But, here I am, playing the role of arse wiper, bill payer, "I've fallen and I can't get up" event resolver. First for Ma, now for Ed.

But I'm an arsehole for trying to keep him from buying nothing but prepared crap and ice cream/soda/sweet tea/arnold palmer/crap loaded with sugar/salt/chemicals/all of the above when I take him to the grocery store.

I *****. I whine. I vent here, because neither Ed nor any of his friends are here.

Thanks to y'all for humoring me.

I WANT Ed to get better. I want him to get his independence back. For his sake - for his pride, his self respect, his personal integrity. I hate being the bad cop. I hate trying to keep him alive in spite of himself.

More than anything else, I hate knowing that at some point, we're going to fail, he's going to slip away, and Darling Wife is going to hurt.

[MS Fowler]

Originally Posted by ramonajim

Eggzachary.

I'm guessing that Ed is younger than a whole bunch of the folks in this here fine community. Folks perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.

He's young enough to be my brother. Way to young to be my father (he's a couple weeks shy of being ten years older than me). Ma was half a year younger than Ed.

But, here I am, playing the role of arse wiper, bill payer, "I've fallen and I can't get up" event resolver. First for Ma, now for Ed.

But I'm an arsehole for trying to keep him from buying nothing but prepared crap and ice cream/soda/sweet tea/arnold palmer/crap loaded with sugar/salt/chemicals/all of the above when I take him to the grocery store.

I *****. I whine. I vent here, because neither Ed nor any of his friends are here.

Thanks to y'all for humoring me.

I WANT Ed to get better. I want him to get his independence back. For his sake - for his pride, his self respect, his personal integrity. I hate being the bad cop. I hate trying to keep him alive in spite of himself.

More than anything else, I hate knowing that at some point, we're going to fail, he's going to slip away, and Darling Wife is going to hurt.

I empathize with your situation. I am in a similar one--my MIL--wife is only child. MIL had an accident 2 years ago as we were pondering how to get her to quit driving.. minor fender-bender first rain after a long dry spell and a metal bridge deck. DMV found her not at fault, but required her to have a driver's test to retain her license. She couldn't parallel park to save her life. I spent a half dozen Sunday afternoons with her at a local school parking lot. She'd park fine one time, and then miss 5 or 6 in a row. Every time she tried to test at the DMV she got so tense that she failed. Made it easy to take away the keys. ( She is 88). Now wife has the obligation of taking her mom to the doctors and the store--about 3 days each week. We took her car--and she pays half the gas.