Not contacting her is about many things:

it's about being strong
it's about not appearing weak to her
it's about respecting the space she wants or needs
it's about self-respect
it's about claiming power over the direction of your life
it's about healing
it's about sending a message that you'll be fine without her

If you chase someone who's running away from you, she'll just run faster. This is your wife we're talking about, and as your wife, she should be held to certain level of accountability and responsibility. Don't email her, don't answer if she emails you -- it's an insult. If she calls and says she'd like to get together to talk, then hear her out, but anything less than that is, IMHO, disrespectful. Do not just take her back under any condition or she might do this to you again. She has shattered your trust, and you should make her regain that trust before taking her back. Remember -- if she doesn't respect you, she doesn't love you.

Ron
http://germanstar.net

Again GottaDiesel I hate to sound like I am being hard but this lady is GONE from your life. I have seen it too many times. I would suggest doing whatever you have to do to move on. Personally, I would suggest not contacting her. In reference to the above quote and reading what you have written so far I don't think she cares what you think. Again, sorry to be the heavy here but I have seen this before.

I have a friend that went through the same thing just recently. His wife of many years told him she needed her "space". They split up/divorce, he gets the kids and the house, she moves out and within two weeks she is living with her "new" man that who knows how long she had been seeing him. He still thinks she cares:eek: .

Man, when I saw the title of this thread I thought your dog had died!! What a relief it's just a woman that's left. Admittedly I have only read a couple of the posts so I may be echoing someone else's sentiment, but you're better of without her if she can just pick up and hit the trail. Let her go. Move on. Go out and make a ton of money, get in shape and get a trophy arm candy. She'll be crawling back and you can just look at her and laugh!:cool:

An elderly man was taking a nice walk along a secluded beach one evening. The weather was perfect. A lite breeze was blowing in from the ocean allowing the birds to soar in lazy circles on the up drafts from the sand dunes with out flaping their wings. Other than the gentle slapping of the waves that slid up the beach until they just covered his toes before they slid back down, It was so quiet he thought maybe this time he might be able to hear the huge red sun, that was painting the puffy clouds behind him vivid colors that are found nowere else in the universe,hiss when it touched the ocean.

Then he noticed another set of footprints being formed in the wet sand keeping pace with him but nobody was there. He walked on for a while. Finaly he said, Is that you Lord? And the Lord said, Yes my son. The man said, If this means it is time for me to be judged by St. Peter, I am ready for I have always tried to live my life according to the 10 commandments. The Lord said, No, That's not it. You have been such a good man your whole life, that I have come to grant you one wish for anything you want. The man said, Thank you Lord, but I have just about every thing a man could ask for, a good family, a nice house, enough money to last longer than I will be here on earth. I do have one brother in law that could use a good smite or two,but I don't guess that's what we are here for.


The Lord said, surly there is something that would make your life easier. The man said, Well, we go to Hawaii every winter, and the airlines just get worse and worse all the time, especialy since 9-11. I've got an old Benz diesel that I just love to drive, could you build a bridge so I can enjoy driving it to Hawaii instead of being miserable trying to deal with thise airlines.

NO, that would be impossible. It would have to be thousands of miles long, the pillors would have to be thousands of feet deep to reach the sea floor, it would have to be hundreds of feet in the air so ships could sail under it. Then there would have to be service plazas and rest areas and all that stuff. It would be an enginering nightmare. Is there something easier that you could wish for?


They walked on for a while, then the man said, Well, I realy would like to know how womens minds work.


They walked on for a while longer, Then the Lord said, Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four lanes?

Lou

Smoke N Poke,

Point taken! :D :D :D

Cap'n... I know that's what I "should" do -- and stop the sadness... but that is so much easier said than done. :(

Thanks again. :)

I don't see as you have a choice, unless you count moping about living in the past as a choice. If a loved one dies you have no choice except to move on. Dead love is just like that. Grieve for it for a minute, but the quicker you move on , the better off you'll be.

Dayum! I knew there was something I left off my list :D

GottaDiesel, stay active and pick up a new hobby or two....of course focusing on your career couldn't hurt and may take some of the sting away.

- sfloriII

Unfortunate reality dose. All too many times this is the case. KEEP yourself busy for now. With all the predators on this site, I find it amazing there seem as many who wish to help. Whatever your support group, stay in touch with it and keep your goals in mind and her out of your mind when possible.

Not trying to be insensitive, BUT...
 

...eventually you will be hearing from her lawyer (solicitor?), so get one for yourself and document that she has abandoned the marriage.

Just a suggestion that will probably help protect your interests.

Frankly, it is easier to get a divorce now-a-days than to get out of a three-year car lease.

True regards!

Norm

I know... I know... I wish I didn't but I do...

Thanks...

Forgot this comment:
 

"With all the predators on this site..."

Shouldn't "SOMEONE"????????:eek: be shredding all their junk mail so that all those nasty "predators" out there don't put 2 & 2 together and, GASP!, find out that "OCCUPANT" doesen't really live there anymore?

Some pathetic, frightened people need to see a head doctor, IMHO.:rolleyes:

Re: Forgot this comment:
 

:confused: :confused: :confused:

Re: Re: Forgot this comment:
 

My sentiments exactly...

Ron
http://germanstar.net

Oh, it is just that all this ANONYMOUS...
 

...kinda' innominate crap (undesignated & "safely" located in the "midwest areas", of course!) is just that: pure unadulterated crap.

Except for all those nasty (& supposedly) unhelpfull "predators" on this site...

Sorry, I though I was being clear as to what I was referring to...

Mr head case STORMINORMAN, please take your fights elsewhere and show a little compassion for this person's thread. No need to fight with someone who has not rattled your cage. Anyone who takes electronic means of communication so seriously as to get angry over ..whatever.. needs examining. Now back to the thread.

Now I'm totally lost. :confused: :confused: :confused:

You and me both dude:confused:

Thank you Paul. :)

Thanks for asking. My health is improving. Much less coughing, and thankfully, no more blood. As far as mental help, I'm very fortunate in that I have a few friends that are therapists by profession. They've been VERY objective in their ideas, etc.. One thing I must say, from what I'm reading, is that it is a great thing that I'm talking about it, and not letting it bottle up, etc.. I hear some real scary stuff about guys in my situation that have a serious break-down when something like this happens. I could easily see how it could have happened to me.

I'm equally as lucky to have learned a GREAT deal from all of this, on many fronts. It is a horrible thing to have happen to ANYONE, but I certainly have learned more about relationships, and what to do and not to do -- again, on many fronts.

I'm not going to give up on her, it just isn't something I can do. I love her with all my heart, and have to admit, I would welcome her back with open arms, and not EVER hold this against her. I would work hard as could be to rebuild our relationship -- stronger than ever.

But, like many of you have pointed out -- she has to be as willing as I am -- and THERE is the variable that ONLY she can control.

I'm going to keep reaching out for her. I know it may or may not be the right thing to do... but I have to keep myself open to her, I've always been there for her, and like I've said a dozen times already, If she needs to reach out to me, this is the time she'd need me most. Call me a sucker, or whatever... but that's how I see it.

GD

Perhaps, but I don't think I'm going to play "tough-guy" -- doormat... I don't think so. I think she's got a lot on her mind right now, and I think, or hope at least, that she knows, if she has any thoughts of wanting to reach for the door to me, I've left it open.

Thanks! Seriously! Thank you.

:)

The fact that she left may have little or nothing to do with you. She may have just decided to leave for her own reasons. So don't over-analyse to figure out what/where you did some wrong thing that caused her to leave. That will make you crazy.

I'm just saying that because that's the way my mind operates. I usually figure that I'm the one to blame, not the other person. I'ts not a bad way of thinkng, but it may be the wrong thing to think sometimes.

Well, I've gotten a couple of messages from some people here, so I thought I just drop a quick line. First, nothing has changed. Tomorrow it will be 4 full weeks that I haven't heard from my wife. Not a single word. Not a replied email, nothing. :(

I was getting to the point where I was beginning to be able to deal with it, and then WHAM -- I get a notice in the mail from the Post Office that she did a change of address for her name... this stinks on two fronts, a) it makes this all that much real. b) now I have to worry about mail I may not get, even though I do have a PO Box for all the bills, etc. Still -- there is some stuff that does come here...

Ohhhhhh, I just can't understand why this is happening. I wish somebody would slap me upside the head and be able to explain it all to me.

Corny (and probably pathetic) as I know I may sound, I just wish she would give our marriage another try. I don't understand how it goes right to this level! I mean, NOTHING like this has ever happened -- it's not like she's left in the past for a day or two or anything (nor have I) -- I mean, I really just do not get it.

Oh well. Sorry to drone on over here...

Pete

Gottadiesel,

I told you (I think) of the brother of a girl I've been going out with. His wife recently walked out on him after only two years of marriage (they've been together for nine years total). She simply said she was no longer in love with him and wanted out of the mariage.

After a few weeks, her family convinced her to get into marriage counceling with him to see if it could be saved. They really like my friend's brother.

Are you on good terms with her family? If so, maybe that may be an avenue you could take to work towards reconciliation with her. Hope things work out for you..... however that may turn out.

GD,

You need to retain an attorney...now. Do not cancel any insurance on her, or try to cut her off yet but do protect your income and finances.

One reason you need an attorney now is because you need to be prepared to react should she file. Better to have an attorney on retainer before getting served that trying to find just anyone to represent (and protect) you when under the gun.

In times like these a good attorney will make all the difference in the world. Be forewarned though, a good attorney does not come cheap.

BTDT

GT, I second what MT wrote. Anything with both names on it, cancel!

You have to get out of the house, besides work, and volunteer in some organization, church, soup kitchen, Salvation Army ringing the bell. Something. You could also get a dog, only love money can buy.

I've read on several forums about men whose wives have left. Later, these men meet someone new and get married. The new wife actually thanks the ex-wife for getting divorced.

BTW, my marriage is not the greatest. We're so different.

Mike Tangas is providing excellent advice which you will do good to heed along with the suggestion to get rid of the joint credit cards.
I would imagine she is with whoever she left you for:(. If you have the $$ you may want to get a private detective to "follow" her and she what is up. This will make it less painful $$ when the divorce comes through because the courts frown on leaving for another. In my experiences the only reason I have seen em leave like this was for another person (man or woman).

Basically, you can't put much blame on yourself when the wife leaves. Its essentially unpredictable and completely without logic. After all, some women stay with husbands who beat them periodically.

Also, I'd like to offer this thought - the best cure for losing a woman - is another woman. :)

Ken300D

Stefano: I wish... her family, to be blunt and short, hates me. But I understand what you're saying, and if that wasn't the case it would make for an excellent path to take... sadly, one I do not have. :(

Spock: That's all done already. When she left she gave me back everything (checked with all the banks to be sure).

Mike: Thanks... I know. I didn't cancel anything of hers. That's not my style. I'm not spiteful, or angry. I love her. AND even if this does head down the "D" path... I'll treat her with love. All I ask in return is the same.

Warren: A few of my old friends have been pulling me into some community organizations as a consultant. I thought they were just doing it to "be nice" and keep my mind off of things... turns out they really DO need my help. THIS has been a HUGE help. :) Work on YOUR marriage! Trust me!!!! I KNOW! P.S. I have a dog... she's the best part of my life right now. I can't tell you what I would have done. She's my best friend now! :)

Jim: I know, I'm not going down the PI route basically because from my information, since we have no kids, it really doesn't matter -- it would be just for me to "know" and frankly, It doesn't matter. It doesn't change a thing. If she left for another person, she clearly doesn't love me anymore -- not like she use to. :( -- if she left because of pressure from her family -- there is no way I can fight that fight -- it is 20 to1. So, you see, none of that matters.

Ken: LOL -- I'm not there yet. When ALL hope is lost... and everything is "final" -- I'm sure that'll kick-in. Right now, the only woman I want is my wife.

Thanks for all the ideas and help... and thank you to those who sent PMs.

Thank you Thank you Thank you!

This is getting :confused: again.

Sorry Mr. Spock. I joined the conversation late. My appologies.

Yea - sorry Spock - I did not read back far enough before I posted that reply. Good advice from you too:);).

Man, I'm hearing all this and all of a sudden I hear a song....
 

I'm listening to an internet smooth jazz station and I hear "The Hounds of Winter" by Sting and I remember your post. Really cool song. Sounds like it's heartfelt. Might want to hear it if you can.
Having someone leave like that just sucks, any way you slice it. It's real shallow, and it makes people wonder if we ever really know anyone. I have seen this kind of stuff before and almost always there's a backup plan in the works. I have NEVER heard of a woman leaving without another person waiting for them when they get to wherever they go. It's a sad thing to see, and I hate to say this, but some people don't take a promise seriously anymore. I have been with my GF for over six years and really we have talked about mairrage (SP) and we have come to the conclusion that if it ain't broke don't fix it. She was married before she met me for like 9 years and she prolly doesn't have the highest regard for the M word. We have people ask us all the time about it and we are like "we'll get married when WE want to".
I hate that this happened during the holiday season, and I hope that it doesn't make you hate the holidays- just think of your new found FREEDOM!!! Try to shed as positive a light on things as possible, and don't let your guard down> It's safe to say that you're a little vulnerable right now, and quite honestly it adds insult to injury when the other spouse pulls a cheap shot from out of nowhere. Good luck, sir and may God bless you.

Travmonster

Where is the other side of this story??

Gottadiesel,

Did you make it through the holidays okay?

No matter what else, you must remember that you have friends here on the bb and also in your "real" life.

Sholin

13 Months Later.
 

Well, it is all done. Official and all. I am divorced. Life is back to normal. :D

I started to read some of my posts in this thread, and your replies. All crap aside, you *all* should give yourselves a HUGE pat on back, this place is filled with some amazing people.

Hope you all have an AWESOME holiday.

:) Pete

And you, have a great holiday as well. Glad you made it through. :)

Yes, this forum is indeed filled with great people.

Good news for you!

Wow, 13 months, hate to see that stuff drag on so long.

Astounding how much pain the human heart can withstand. I didn't realize this thread was in the past until the very end. I was reading it thinking when I got to the end I would tell you how time is the only thing that can ever heal the pain.
I went through it 6 years ago and when I think back on it I wonder if it really happened to me. Excrutiating emotional pain and a feeling of loss along with twisting in the wind. Now I look back and question why I let it affect me so much.
Glad you made it through the meat grinder, now go forward and enjoy the rest of your life!

Good for you :2thumbsup

Russ

Ditto! :)

Glad you're doing better and getting on with your life! :)

Now all you gotta do is leave Jersey. ;)

13 Months is actually pretty good for NJ, there are counties in NJ where you won't even get to the Early Settlement Panel for 18-24 months!

Pete

Wow. Ick. I was out of mine in six months, and that was a year too long for my tastes :o

Ahhh -- another member of the "happily divorced" club. :sun1:

:sun_smile yessir! :sun_smile

Although I don't believe you could pay me enough to go through the divorce process again. Egads, the stress.

How long were you married?

All of three years. :rolleyes: I don't know how people who divorce after ten or twenty years of marriage get through it.