I lost my best friend.
 

It's been over a week since my wife told me she was leaving. She came home, got a few things and told me she wouldn't be coming back. Some people said to give her space, other said to keep letting her know I was there for her. My mind is spinning. I'm trying to do the normal daily things: work, sleep, eat, etc. and it isn't easy. She says she isn't happy any more and doesn't love me. Just typing those words causes me to stare in disbelief. I don't know where she is, and she doesn't return any calls that I have tried to get to her (with family, etc.) (her family and I aren't on the best terms, to say the least). I've sent her countless emails, just to say "hi" and to let her know that I'm willing to work and do anything it will take to make things right. I haven't heard a single thing. I sent her flowers today to one of the family member's I thought she might be staying with -- doubtful she'll ever cast her eyes on them.
She was my best friend. I find myself in bed at night in tears wishing that God would send me my best friend. What I wouldn't do. I know I should have been more tolerant of her family.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, all I know is I love my wife with all my heart, she wasn't just my "wife" she really was my very best friend. I loved being with her, I love doing the most simple of things with her. Some people might say that she fell out of love with me, others might speculate that the pressure of her family and I not seeing eye to eye was just too much for her to deal with. Other wonder if there could be another "fella" in her life. I can't answer any of those things. I can only offer her my love and heart.

My future is most likely sealed -- I've lost my best friend. I guess the only thing I can hope is that if somebody else ever does read this, and finds themselves in the same or similar position, know one thing: don't give up. Hold on to that special love, give it your all. Counseling, prayer, heart-to-heart talks, what ever it takes, listen, CAREFULLY, to your partner. A true friend, and love is very hard to find. Take it from me, I really did lose my best friend.

I hope she's safe, and I hope she's not sad. I'd hate for her to be feeling the same way I am right now. One person having to feel like this is enough.

If you stumble upon a beautiful girl with brown hair and brown eyes and she looks a little sad, give her a smile and maybe a hug, and let her know how beautiful she really is. I don't think I told her enough. Or maybe I just didn't show it the way I should have.

Thanks for reading.

ouch, dude. i hope all works out for the best.

all i can offer is to spend some time with a can of good wax on your MB when you need to burn off some of those vibes.

it will make you and the MB feel better. :)

I'm sorry man... good luck - It must be hard.

I hope you can work through this and start enjoying life again as soon as possible.


peter

That's really hard.:(

She just decided to leave? What was her excuse? Did she say that the "magic" in your relationship has fizzled or something of that nature?

She should be more than just a best friend. She is the woman you love, the one you took a solemn oath to never part with until death rips that bond away.

She took the oath, too when she said "I do,". For her to walk out on you like that, without any excuse at all, is sinful and disrespecting God's will.

Women are so emotional, she might show up at your residence within a few days time anyway. Women have this "need" to be protected. If she has noone but you, she will be back.

I'm sure she misses you. Good luck, and I hope all turns out well. Hang in there, pal.;)

I may not know the details that led to your current dilemma, but I do know 2 things with certainty. First, you need to stop attempting to contact her -- she knows your situation, and this isn't helping one bit. Secondly, you need to do anything and everything you can to emotionally distance yourself from her -- I know -- easier said than done. You've already made it crystal clear that the fate of your relationship is entirely in her hands. You're not helping your situation by giving her that power. Claim some or all of that power for yourself. After all, it's YOUR life, not her's. It could be that claiming that power is the best chance you have for this to work out.

Ron
http://germanstar.net

Thanks. Sorry to get all stupid like that. I just started writing... and you know how that can go.

She simply told me she isn't happy any more and doesn't love me.

It really does put things in perspective when things like this happen. All the things you *thought* were so important mean very little.

Quite the post for a male dominated "wrench" forum.

For now the best thing you can do is to give her a chance to miss you. Just leave her alone and give her that chance.

Good luck!

Ron
http://germanstar.net

Don't bother trying to understand ANY of them,...

In the words of Dr. Emmett Brown of Back to the Future II after deciding to destroy the Delorion for fear of a possibly imminent paradox if the time machine were to fall into the wrong hands.

"And now I will devote my time to the other mystery of the universe....Women!":o :( :rolleyes:

The first time I got up the nerve to ask a girl OUT, I was rejected. Have not asked another one out since. I CAN'T EVEN TELL IF A GIRL IS LEADING ME ON, OR JUST BEING FRIENDLY!:(

To have loved and lost, is better than to never have loved at all.

Thanks again gang, I have to say, I've always had the answers and always been able to deal with things. This is, by far, the most shattering thing that can happen to a person at my stage in life. I hate the thought of just "leaving her alone" -- I know that may be the right thing to do. I've always been there for her, and known that this is how it has to be is very difficult.

Thanks again, I'm not the most religious person in the world, but prayer is about the only thing I have now.

Thanks.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. Hopefully the passage of time will help a bit.

I do believe in the power of prayer. I'll say one tonight for both of you. :)

You never know what wonderful doors lie yet unopened in front of you....

You're right, this male dominated wrench forum may be able to diagnose mechanical problems but relationship advice may not be our strong point. I'm sorry to hear of your pain and hope that it subsides in the near future.
I think you're probably right that family issues may be at the root of it. It's very hard to separate family issues from spousal relationships. If there were tensions between you and her family, unless she had the same tensions with her family, they could have easily come between you.

Damn, I am sorry to hear about that. Take care of yourself emotionally right now, for she is probably doing the same to herself. I'll say a prayer for you both tonight also. Stay strong through this, for it is just one stone in the concrete on the road of life... stay off the shoulder of that road and you will eventually reach your wonderful destination, even with a few bumps and flats on the trip.
~D.J.~

This is the best advice right now, but also the hardest.

I know what you are going through 'cause I've been there, done that. The excellent advice to let her have her space is good because if it is only a phase, she'll make her way home and it becomes a good learning experience. If she means it, well you know. If she calls and wants to talk, by all means do, and you really need to listen, let her talk - you listen. Don't go on about how bad you feel, but find out how she feels and what is bothering her, you know the drill. Big thing is you've got to mean it, not just giving lip service but really listening and trying to understand what she is saying.

Expect to not think as clearly as you used to, but don't worry this will pass. Your appetite will drop and I promise you are going to lose weight, not so much from the lack of appetite, but from stress. Again, this will pass too. Myself, I dropped about 30 pounds in 2 weeks, not healthy. Took a while but I gained back a good 20 and have stayed even for the past 10 years.

Which ever way this goes, you will survive and be stronger for it. Life does go on and it can get better.

I know that it's been said, but let me reaffirm that statement.

I've had something like this happen to me twice. I wasn't married, but that didn't lessen the pain. The first time, I did much as you were doing; continued to attempt to talk to her, let her know what was going on and how devastated I was, etc, and I think that that did more than anything else to distance her. And distance her it did. I finally gave up after a month and never heard another word from her. I also spent 6 months in a deep depression; very unhealthy (especially since I'm not all that stable emotionally to begin with). That one hurt 'cause it was my first relationship, and we had been very close friends before we tried "getting together"...to this day, I regard that as one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made.

The second time, she didn't actually break up but told me that she didn't think the relationship was going to work out...so I told her that I would give her a week with me completely out of the picture, and had every intention of sticking to it. The next night, she called me in tears saying that she wanted to try to keep things going. She moved up here about a month later, and we've been happy ever since.

Sorry for kinda going off on a tangent, but I hope this helps a little bit. The pain can't truly be described, but you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel it, so don't worry about the "macho wrench forum guys" factor. ;) Seriously, if you feel a need to talk about it, go ahead. There's always people on here willing to listen (okay, "read" :)), and letting these emotions bottle up is one of the most dangerous things you can do.

Just remember you aren't alone.

wow man....i'm really sorry to hear about this....the only usefull advice i can give you is whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. This definately won't kill you(although it may feel as if you'd rather be dead), but it will make you a stronger person in the future. The best of luck to you bro,
Ryan

GottaDiesel,

There is some good advice on this board.

Right now, you are in 'shock'. In time, this will pass. My BEST advice is to make an appointment with a counselor (through your church or whatever means) and get some help for yourself FIRST.

Whatever happens in the future with your relationship, YOU will need time to heal and get on the path to recovery.

Stay strong. Make the appointment and go once or twice weekly until the crisis/shock stage has passed. Only then will be start to become prepared to deal with the other issues you will be facing (financial/separation/divorce, etc.)

Good luck to you :)

I hate to hear that:( for you.
I pretty much agree with everything that has been said in the above posts. Not to sound hard but I suspect she already has someone else just to up and leave like that.

You are not alone, this has happened to many people. Women are not predictable in general. Hope you feel better.

Thanks again for all the support and excellent advice, I really mean it. I would have never thought so many people would say so much. I'm not sure if she has somebody else, it certainly is possible -- I'm smart enought to know that anything is posible.

For now I guess the only thing I can hope is that she is happy and safe. There is really nothing else I can do.

Have to keep going on with life. I know they say that time heals all wounds I'm definity going to be the one that tests that theory.

The only thing I can't stress enough. If you have a person that you love, and I mean really love (think about them more than yourself, etc.), give them an extra hug and kiss, and let them know how much they really mean, not just with words, but show them. If one less person in the world has to have this happen to them, it is worth it. When you see those flowers in the supermarket for $1.99 and you think about it. -- Don't just think about it, grab them -- heck, grab two! walk in the door with them behind your back, tell her (or him!) you love him and give them to her. Or if you're in a dollar store, and you see a little card (usually 2 for a $1) -- 50 pennies, isn't going to break anyone. Grab it, throw a stamp on it, and mail it to her. Trust me, the little things really do matter.

Funny, I hear people joking about how if they knew then what they know now (about girls, and youth, etc.)... how life would have been different. Well, I can say the same exact thing only about married life. A simple card, and some flowers, I can remember how her face would light up when I gave her a simple bunch of flowers, she would grab up a vase as quick as she could, and start sniping away to make it just right for the vase, she'd clear off the whole dining room table, and put them smack dab in the middle.

I don't know really what else to say, except, thanks again.

I too feel bad for your loss...
 

I don't think the comments disparaging GottaDiesel's lost love (or females in general) is very appropriate given the tone of this thread.

I consider my wife my "best friend" as well, and I will add that most women generally don't just up and "leave" a relationship...it takes a lot of hurt before a woman decides to surrender.

Being an MB forum, a woman leaving a relationship is analagous to a thrown rod in an engine. The rod doesn't just suddenly fail for no reason...long periods of oil starvation may contribute to the ills.

You had mentioned some issues with not tolerating her family, and I applaud your efforts in trying to discover the root cause of her dismay. It is a step towards healing, and a future reminder to keep in tune with your loved one's feelings on a regular basis.

I agree with others that contacting her is not a good idea right now...it would be like adding oil to an engine AFTER it threw the rod.

She needs time to heal...LOTS of time.

If she chooses to return, a lot of concessions will have to be made on your part...you can't fix the engine with a little oil...it needs a complete rebuild!

For the time being, get some help, some professional advice, and do your best to be in the company of friends as much as possible. You need to heal as well.

And by all means, if you need to brood, do so...it's also a part of healing.

...her family...
 

If I had a nickle for every time for every time "her family" broke a couple up I'd be richer than a divorce lawyer. My 2 cents, Canadian, is as long as she is with her family, you won't be. They did "give her away."

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. In some ways it's worse than death. If I were closer, I'd take you out for a beverage of your choice. Maybe a few.

Re: I too feel bad for your loss...
 

Um... about the thrown rods. Excluding an original 3.5 liter OM603, right?.:rolleyes:

Anyway, I think all the advice has been said. It hurts, and it will hurt for a long time. What matters is how well you cope with the situation. Try meditation or prayer, try to relax your soul and quiet your heart. This will most likely not be the end of all hardships for you, so think in the present, not in the past. At least the future can be altered. You cannot dwell on the past as your future will be wasted.

Have a good day, and Godspeed my friend,

Gottadiesel... your story moved me. I hope you get through this quickly. Remember, we have no control of what happens... God controls our destiny. If its meant to be, it will...

Thanks again to everyone.

Today was the first day that I didn't try to reach out to her. It was easily the most horrible days of my life. I told her I loved her everyday of my life -- and I still do and always will. To know that today I didn't tell her... that is extremely sad.

I waited my whole life for this this girl and now -- now she's gone.

I started thinking about so many things we planned together and knowing that none of them will happen...

Thanks for listening.

Time is the great equalizer. You hurt now but time heals all wounds. Move on with your life. There are plenty of fish in the sea. One thing you should always remember, " no matter how beautiful the woman or how handsome the man, there is someone somewhere who is unhappy with something that they do or have done in the past." There is someone reading or writing to this thread who is wishing that their significant other would leave. Carpe Diem.

How are you doing Gotadeisel. We are hoping you are hanging in!!;)

To be very honest, I'm trying to focus on work. If I don't keep working I'll be unemployeed and heartbroken. I have to say, it is extremely hard. I worked hard to try and make a good life for my wife and someday, or kids. Doesn't seem much point at this stage in the game, but I have to keep going.

Everytime the telephone rings, I hope it is her. Last night and old friend of mine stopped by, the door bell rang, you had to see me run to the door, I was happy to see my friend, but I prayed it would be her.

Everyone has been very supportive, and I know things happen for a reason. I'm on my second day of not reaching out to her and it is hard as can be. I would do anything to hear her voice, anything for a chance to talk to her. I know I can't control what she does next, so I can't get sicker over it. Coughing up blood, not eating, and not sleeping is about as bad as it gets.

I only wish she would reach out to me somehow, just something to say that she's ok -- and that she's happy... as crazy as it seems, I really really really pray that she's not feeling the way I am. One of the two of us feeling this way is already one too many.

Thanks again everyone.

Stress makes me (and everyone else too, I'm sure)... pretty sick, pretty much a bad cough, cold, etc. I'm trying to "self medicate" -- I KNOW that if I can control my stress I can get well in a matter of days.

I'll get there...

Coming on this thread late, but my sympathies are no less than what has been said. Hang in there.
It was the other way around for my wife and I a few years ago. I was the one leaving. What a mess I made of it. Won't go into any of it, but the best thing I ever did was to go back one more time and talk to her. We worked it out after that. Got to a counselor. Only took 2 visits for me to figure out what an idiot I was being. It tore me apart when I really saw how much I was hurting her.
Aw, we can be really stupid sometimes.
Hope she contacts you. Hope she'll at least sit and talk with you about.

Gotta diesel go to the giant and get yourself a bottle of B-1 today. It is a stress vitamin and greatly helps. You need to begin taking better care of yourself if you want to get through this.

I'm not a drinker -- not in the least, by self medicating, I mean, vitamins, and certain foods -- and yes, I like tofu.

I'm eating -- just not quite like I use to.

The blood is from my lungs from the cough -- it's an irrated cough, I keep drinking tons of fluids -- and that keeps the coughing down.

Deep down, I know I'll get through this, but wish I could at least hear from her. If nothing else to hope that she's not feeling like me right now.

Even if she found somebody else, I know that'll hurt a lot, but if she's really really happy -- in the end, I'm happy too.

Try and keep on top of things. See your family, friends, anything to keep your mind off it. Go to sleep watching TV - I use (downloaded) Seinfeld as it makes me laugh and feel less serious about stuff.

And you can always take time away from everything. Travel. Travel here to lovely (rainy) Bristol, England and I'll buy you a drink or something. You can go see JJR and the rest of us too.

Remember you're not alone and you will, like pretty much anything in life, look back on things eventually and see the good to come out of them.

be peaceful

Russ

As good as I can I guess. This is the third day of not trying to reach out for her.

From everything I'm seeing I don't think she's coming back. I really wish that wasn't the case... but I do think it is. :(

Tomorrow night will mark the second full week of her being gone.

I just wanted to share this link:

http://ce.byu.edu/cw/fuf/archives/2002/BrentABarlow2002.pdf

*PLEASE* if anyone is EVER considering divorce or "leaving" their spouse read this and read it well. If only my wife would read this, and really really really give it some thought. It really would be the salvation of our marriage.

Thanks for the support.

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss, I was in a similar situation not too long ago, actually more then once. I can tell you right now that it does a great deal to talk, I unfortunately did not have anyone to talk to at the time, and belive it or not, it was my car that might have saved me from a lot of sufferring just by keeping my mind off of her. It still hurts, but at least now there are moments when I feel liberated from the pain that I remember feeling, and along with those came a feeling of hope, that there is something worth living for. So whatever you do hang in there, and as hard as it is, keep trying not to contact her, but the results of that can not be predicted.

Don't worry, as soon as things stop spinning, you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel once again.

xp

I totally agree with the message above.

First of all I am writing because you remind me of myself when I was much younger. I had a failed relationship that I had in college, where I was totally despondent over the girl no longer being available to me and I was consumed with the things that I thought that I had done wrong to cause that to happen. In hindsight the misery I inflicted on myself from the selfblaming was what I really regret. Short of you being a total Ahole to her and her family (which I rather doubt) people pretty much do what they want to do. The question I would ask is would you have left the relationship if she was behaving as you did. My guess is that you wouldn't have. Best friends try to make it work. No doubt you made mistakes in the relationship. Everybody does. Let me say that again everybody makes mistakes in relationships. The healthy relationships survive and grow from those mistakes.
Your loss is very real and as many have commented now is the time to be really good to yourself rather than blame yourself for things that you potentially had no control over. I truely wish you the best.

MBLovr,

Thanks! For some reason, I really needed to hear that. I do love her, but you are right, beating myself over it isn't going to help.

Life is very short, and while I had hoped to go through life with her, I have to realize that even without her, life does go on.

Thanks for all the support -- pretty amazing when you consider, I've never met a single one of you... :)

Gotta - go work on my - Diesel. :)

He!y! You just edited!...

"Would I have left the relationship..."

No. I would have explained my feelings, and made a plan to fix things. I know, that's a "guy" answer -- but that's the truth.

GD

It's not the "guy" answer. It's that answer of someone who was committed to the making the relationship work. As far as the all responses trust me we've all been there. And for some of the slower learners of us, several times .:)

Keep your chin up..
 

I feel sad for your loss, but my suggestion is to go out to see your family and friends, and meet someone!! They are a lot of good women left out there. You will be amazed how many single women they are at your local church..they do have singles night there too..

GA,

I don't think I can do that -- that's not the way I am. In my mind, I'm still married, and she is still my wife. I know what you're saying. And believe me, many other people have said the same thing to me. But I won't do it.

It's really killing me not to try and reach out for her. I know she has her friends and family... but for 3.5 years of our married life, I did everything with our future in mind -- and the furture of having kids, etc..

To see all those dreams, plans, and hopes turn to nothing is pretty sad. To not know what the future holds (as far as we go) is even more sad. You have to remember, I literally did everything in my life around the assumption that we were going to be married for life. Divorce was simply not something that I would ever consider. EVER. -- I would work through ANYTHING that came down the road. It may sound old fashion or silly, but that day, at that alter, we made a deal -- a deal to spend the rest of our lifes together. And as important as that is to me... she just up and left.

I hear a car pass on the street, I hope it is her. The doorbell rings, I hope it is her, the phone rings -- I hope it is her. With every email, I hope it is from her.

I know the ball is entirely in her court now. I don't know what else (if anything) I can do. She knows, I still love her, but as she said, "I don't love you any more, and I'm not happy" -- and it sounded like she meant it. I know couples can feel a certain way from time to time, but she's not only "saying" it, she's DOING it -- she's gone.

I have to say, waking up alone everynight sucks. I know I was her protector and all that "guy" stuff -- but I have to admit, I loved her very much, and I loved knowing that she was always there for me. Like I said before -- we had a deal. I would have never ever ever ever broken that deal. -- that's the kind of person I am. If you're loyal to me, you won't find a more loyal person back to you.

The one part that made me very upset today was thinking about her graduation. I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to be "invited" -- it will be indoors, so chances are you'll need invites. This really got me feeling pretty low. Can you imagine? I remember when she registered for her first class!! 130 credit ago!! -- she was so nervous... but I knew she could do it... and, not only did she do it, but WITH HONORS!!! -- I went to school, even got my MBA, no honor society every came knocking on my door. Now, I won't even get to see that special day. A bunch of neighbors had started planning a nice party for her. In my book, graduation form college is a bigger deal than just about anything -- probably equal to a wedding (actually, truth be told, graduation is probably THE biggest thing (short of a baby be born or something -- and I didn't get there yet.) -- Words can't be said to explain how I feel about this part of it all. If you knew how dedicated she was, and yes, how supportive I was (she'd admit that... well, she use to admit it... who knows now; I'm probably Satan to her.), you would be proud. Nobody on her end seemed to care about how supportive I was of her. That hurts even more.

Now, the people that never supported or helped her with anything will get to share in her moment of joy -- and I'll won't even be invited. I better stop writing now as I doubt anyone has read this far anyway, and I'm getting pretty upset. I can't tell you how much it is going to hurt to not get to see her walk on graduation day. I simply can't say it.

You're no where near ready to date other women -- that will come in time (probably months, not weeks) as you well know. Please tell me you weren't the one that financed her education...

Ron
http://germanstar.net

Most of her education was financed by her ex-employer. But there were a few semesters where we had to pay for parts.

GD

Man, I can't feel your pain. I've never been there. But know that I hope you feel better sooner rather than later. Everything in good time.

Not to take away from your thread, but a similar thing has just happened to the brother of a girl I've been seeing lately. Both of them are 29. They've been together for nine years. Dated for two, lived together for another five, and have been married for two years. Last week she told him she simply wanted out of the marriage-- that she didn't want it anymore. He later learned that for the last three years she's been having an online "relationship" with some guy out of state. At least he was out of state until recently, when they moved to his city! Now she wants out and that's it.

I don't know what goes on in the minds of some people. What ever happend to a promise? Does it just mean, "I promise to be faithful and stick it out-- at least until I change my mind?"

I hope I don't ever have to go through what you guys are experiencing. My prayers are with both of you.

I really wonder if the fact that they lived together before marrying had anything to do with the eventual breakup. I tend to think it did.

Your comment about her attending college explains a lot in my mind. Attending college can be a life changing experience. I think this is often true for women who go to college a number of years after they graduate from high school. It can have a radical effect on their self-image and view of life. Usually this is for the better. However, it is a dangerous time for relationships. Relationships that were formed with the earlier person have to evolve as the new person develops. Sometimes this happens naturally but often it produces fractures in the relationship.
If I am anywhere near the mark and you have an opportunity to talk to her, make sure you support the new person she can be as well as the person she was.
Best of luck. Remember we are always hear to listen even if we can do nothing else (besides giving diesel advice which we are much better at).

Thanks Kerry,

I was always 100% supportive of school, and had absolutely no problem with the education she was gaining. In fact, I appreciated it on many fronts.

To be blunt, there are many possibilies as a result of her finishing school. All of them are plenty painful -- and as much as I wish they couldn't be true -- they certainly can be.

I only wish she could tell me what was going on, what really happen, and what could have (or could still be) done to heal our relationship. As we approach the start of the third week of her being gone... I really don't know what to say/think/do.

:(

I didn't intend to imply that you were less than supportive. Even the strongest relationships face dangers when one partner is pursuing an education. Education puts lots of new ideas in people's heads and while this is good, it is still playing with fire.

I have sometimes found that repetitive meaningless tasks can sometimes take my mind off things. Wax and polish that new wagon. Clean the house. Dig a ditch.

Thanks, I spent most of the weekend working on the car -- it was a lot of fun! :)

I know I keep asking, but I still don't understand -- why can't I try to email her again? How long do I wait? (It has been a week since I tried to email her last) I feel like she thinks I have given up on her. I have not.

Thanks agian.