My Father is in the hospital, he coded tonight... - Page 8 - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

Dan Stokes · #**106** 08-28-2013, 11:37 AM

Anger is a normal part of this. That will pass and eventually (with several steps in between) you'll get to acceptance. Then you'll find some peace.

Best to you and your family - you can bet that all are struggling with it.

Dan

DeliveryValve · #**107** 08-28-2013, 12:32 PM

Hey John,

I'm sorry to hear your father had passed. Again, my thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

Richard

mikeyfev1 · #**108** 08-28-2013, 12:34 PM

John,

Sorry to hear about your Dad. You are in my prayers.

JB3 · #**109** 08-28-2013, 12:36 PM

Im sorry.

one piece of advice I ignored was that it really helps to talk about your grief with other people.
Part of that grief will be your rage towards members of your family for what you see as letting him die right now. We cannot tell you its all right because its not, but like Dan said above, you will eventually feel better with time, coming to terms with the loss is a lot easier if you share what your going through with others in a similar position. It will take years. Make sure you talk to your family, don't let words said in anger and grief break you guys apart.

I didn't speak to one of my uncles for years after my mother died, because in my eyes he couldn't be bothered to call his deceased sisters children for over a year after she died. Now i realize he didn't know what to say, and was dealing with his own grief.

I was a kid when this happened to me, I considered talking about my grief "weakness".

lol, if only I had some extra wisdom back then. Now I realize that hiding it from people was actually weakness, and it made my process of grieving years long. It became a hidden wound that an inadvertent comment would tear open, and I would feel just as bad as if things had just happened. This will happen to you, you will eventually build armor against it, but it will be painful.

People are compassionate, more people than you realize have undergone these situations. One thing thats painful is that you never realize just how much time average people spend talking about their parents in daily conversation until you're in a position where you are tying to hide loss of one or both.
Also you will not believe what people who haven't undergone a loss like this consider an appropriate comment. Be prepared for some ridiculous behavior from individuals, people care, but you might have to cut them some slack, as the most amazing stuff pops out of peoples mouths when they don't know what to say, but feel they must say something.

Starting this thread was a good idea, another good idea is joining a support group, visiting forums where people discuss their grief, doing what you can to understand that you are not alone in these feelings.

Yumeko-chan · #**110** 08-28-2013, 01:36 PM

My dad had a bout of encephalitis that landed him in the hospital in 1998. Two grand mal seizures, a week-long coma, and a stroke in his spinal cord later, he was paralyzed from the chest down and blind in one eye as a result of a pupil blowing out during said seizures. He was an outdoorsy type and always on the move, so to say this was a shock would be understatement. He could barely even get around in his wheelchair because he'd throw up whenever he sat up. He got a shunt put in his head to deal with hydrocephalus (which didn't really help) and as a result of being in bed all the time, a bone bridge grew from his hip to his femur, so he couldn't even really sit up anymore.

He was depressed and said he wanted to die. He had several health crises over the years that, quite honestly, he should not have lived through. An early one, in '01, he had kidney problems, then after that was fixed, he immediately developed ARDS, which at the time I was told it was always fatal. Nope, he persevered through it! Another time, he was depressed and threw himself out of bed and broke his leg, and a few days later he had me give him (unknowingly to me at the time) a double dose of morphine, saying it was fine, and of course the next day he had to be admitted for an OD! And yet another time he choked on some coffee one morning, and apparently inhaled some, because later that day he wouldn't wake up. His pulse-ox was 27% when it was taken by the paramedics that arrived. That low, he should've been a vegetable. But after being given some Narcan, he woke up, and his brain function proved just fine! Did end up staying several days in the hospital for inhalation pneumonia though...

In 2005, after a period of decent (for him) health, he was admitted again, and it turned out his meds were messing with his liver. Some debate about whether/how to adjust his meds followed. After he was released, a doctor was supposed to come by the house and take a follow-up blood sample. Well, the morning he was supposed to come, my dad passed away in his sleep. Upper GI bleed. Happened so fast nothing probably could've been done even if it had happened in the hospital. But in the end, it happened the way he wanted it to: at home, in his sleep, with my mom at his side.

Everyone knew from the beginning, when he was initially paralyzed, that this course of illness was going to end in his death. But it happened so abruptly, so suddenly, that I was caught off guard nonetheless. And it hurt, it really did. I could barely focus during my last semester of college because of the grief. You're gonna feel a lot of different things over the next few months. You're gonna feel anguish, guilt, numbness. And it's all normal. And remember to lean on your family during this time. It's ok to cry together.

I wish I could think of something else to say. Just know that I'm sorry for your loss.

Can't Know · #**111** 08-28-2013, 01:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vstech

TOD... 4:50 am. 8/28/2013

all the family just "wanted him not to struggle" so everything that could assist him was reduced. I'm SOOOO angry, but cannot fight with everyone with mom agreeing. it's sad, but it is what it is.

The VA is handling his transition and we are working on financial and just moving forward.
I want to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers and support I REALLY appreciate it.
I'm gonna go veg out for a while...

Aww, man, I am really sorry to hear about not only your dad passing, but the other struggles as well.

Please know that during your unplug and veg time we'll keep you in our thoughts and prayers. I hope it goes smoothly and the good memories quickly displace the grief, sorrow and other negative emotions.