joke thread

[layback40]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the Foxtel guy wants to buy Mum .....'

[Aquaticedge]

A lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to buy some cyanide.
The pharmacist asked, "Why?"
The lady replied, I need it to poison my husband.
The pharmacist said 'Lord have mercy! that's against the law! Absolutely not!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, You didn't tell me you had a prescription

[Mistress]

what's blond, brunette, blond, brunette?




a blond doing back flips.

[aklim]

Originally Posted by Mistress

what's blond, brunette, blond, brunette?




a blond doing back flips.

Wouldn't that be more of a naked european blond since they don't shave?

[Mistress]

Originally Posted by aklim

Wouldn't that be more of a naked european blond since they don't shave?

beats me....

[mgburg]

McDonald's® is finally ready to introduce a Happy Meal™ that Michelle Obama will approve of...

It's not any different from the ones that exsist now, except you order it and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

[Aquaticedge]

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything - and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He
must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered - I think she is going through mental pause.
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex - and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?


DEAR ABBY: I've been going steady with this man for six years. We see each other every night. He says he loves me, and I know I love him, but he never mentions marriage. Do you think he's going out with me just for what he can get?

GERTIE


DEAR GERTIE: I don't know. What's he getting?

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
CAROL

DEAR CAROL: Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

DEAR ABBY: Are birth control pills deductible?

KAY

DEAR KAY: Only if they don't work.

DEAR ABBY: Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?
WONDERING

DEAR WONDERING: The baby was on time, the wedding was late.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think about dying much?

CURIOUS

DEAR CURIOUS: No, it's the last thing I want to do.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible for a man to be in love with two women at the same time?

DEAR JAKE: Yes, and also hazardous.

DEAR ABBY: I know boys will be boys, but my 'boy' is seventy-three and he's still chasing women. Any suggestions?

ANNIE

DEAR ANNIE: Don't worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn't know what to do with it.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

DEAR SAM: Yes. Run for public office.

DEAR ABBY: What inspires you most to write?

TED

DEAR TED: The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

DEAR ABBY: When you are being introduced, is it all right to say, "I've heard a lot about you"?
RITA

DEAR RITA: It depends on what you've heard.

DEAR ABBY: I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.

ROSE

DEAR ROSE: So would I.

DEAR ABBY: What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
BESS

DEAR BESS: Night and Day.

[mgburg]

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide "free cows" for everyone.


REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?


SOCIALIST

You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


COMMUNIST

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
You complain.
Your new return address is from somewhere inside Siberia.


CAPITALISM: AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


BUREAUCRACY: AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
Under the new farm program, the government pays you to shoot one and milk the other.
Then they pour the milk down the drain.


AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.


FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
The two cows you have surrender to your neighbor.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.


JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
One glows in the dark, has 8 teats and doesn't like standing near water.


GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk.
They run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.


ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch. Life is good.


RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You drink some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You drink some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
The Mafia gives you a "ride" into the countryside.
No one knows nothing.


TALIBAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production.
You use the money to buy weapons.


IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.


POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


BELGIAN CORPORATION

You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks she’s French, other times she’s Flemish.
The Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.


FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best looking cow.


CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with big udders.

[Aquaticedge]

Originally Posted by mgburg

DEMOCRAT

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with big udders.

See Signature:

[kip Foss]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, ” Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn’t matter to me. I just love it ! “

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, ” No kidding…………………….. I’m in Congress too. What state are you from ?

[kip Foss]

Now there is a question you do not get too often…

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust….

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman. He asks ‘Do you have a vagina’. She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice ‘Honey I’m taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it’.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there. He asks the same question. Do you have vagina’… ‘Yes’ she says.

The man replies, ‘Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and to start using yours!’

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by kip Foss

Now there is a question you do not get too often…

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there. He asks the lady ‘Do you have a vagina?’ She slams the door in disgust….

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it is the same man, and he asks the same question of the woman. He asks ‘Do you have a vagina’. She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice ‘Honey I’m taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again’.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice ‘Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it’.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there. He asks the same question. Do you have vagina’… ‘Yes’ she says.

The man replies, ‘Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and to start using yours!’

OUCH!!!

[Aquaticedge]

man walked up to me, says I'm a teepee no a wigwam no a teepee no a wigwam no a teepee, I said, hey relax man, your too tents

[Honus]

The local country club didn't permit jews, so the rabbi lied about his name and religion. Out on the course, he missed a putt by a 1/2 inch. Out of frustration, he said, "Oy vey, whatever that means."

[Aquaticedge]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist". The proctologist fainted.