joke thread - Page 27 - PeachParts Mercedes-Benz Forum

layback40 · #**391** 09-01-2011, 11:36 PM

Subject: Banking crisis

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this

Year only two banks will be left operational....the Blood Bank and the
Sperm Bank!!

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will

Be full of bl##dy w@nkers.

kip Foss · #**392** 09-02-2011, 12:10 AM

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service( U.K.), a guy decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are more gentle and accommodating.

He lay naked on his side on the bed, and the nurse began the examination.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse

10fords · #**393** 09-02-2011, 12:50 AM

What's 12" long and white? NOTHING!!

aklim · #**394** 09-02-2011, 07:41 AM

What is long, hairy and with a hole on one end?

TOOTHBRUSH

layback40 · #**395** 09-02-2011, 10:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aklim

What is long, hairy and with a hole on one end?

TOOTHBRUSH

You made a mess of that !!

Doesnt it go;

Whats 8" long,
Bristly at one end &
Has a hole in the other end ??

mgburg · #**396** 09-02-2011, 11:04 AM

In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: “Barocky Road”

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate and is surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $92.84 per scoop....so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE!

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You, on the other hand, are left with an empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened.

mgburg · #**397** 09-02-2011, 11:15 AM

Senior Health Care...

So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you.

What's an old fogey do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed four attempts to shoot at a Congressmen.

Of course, this means you will be arrested and sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth? No problem.

Need glasses? That's great.

Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.

And, as an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this?

It's the same government that just told you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

mgburg · #**398** 09-02-2011, 11:17 AM

Q: How do you starve an Obama supporter?

A: Hide their food stamps under thier work boots.

mgburg · #**399** 09-02-2011, 11:20 AM

‎3 surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The 1st surgeon said, "Electricians are the best. Everything inside is color coded."

The 2nd surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The 3rd surgeon shut them up when he said:"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

mgburg · #**400** 09-02-2011, 11:22 AM

A man is in a hotel lobby.

He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

mgburg · #**401** 09-02-2011, 11:26 AM

IN RESPONSE TO THE EMAIL CONCERNING MY DOG ...

Please be advised I am sick and tired of the harassing phone calls about my dog who mauled six illegal aliens wearing Obama tee shirts, four Democrats wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two rappers, nine teenagers with pants hanging down past their cracks, eight customer service desk people speaking in broken English, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME ... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE !!!

PhantomCadillac · #**402** 09-02-2011, 11:42 AM

What’s the difference between a refugee and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own bike and wanted to go home!

PhantomCadillac · #**403** 09-02-2011, 11:43 AM

Got this text from my brother recently. It read: “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!”

PhantomCadillac · #**404** 09-02-2011, 11:43 AM

Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

PhantomCadillac · #**405** 09-02-2011, 11:45 AM

My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for a party popper. No sense of humor.