joke thread

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by MTUpower

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.



The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

I'm in for five gallons.

[The Clk Man]

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the woods?

[layback40]

The blonde is flying along, in a two-seater airplane, with her Pilot.

All of a sudden the Pilot has heart attack and dies.
She frantically calls a "May Day!"

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My Pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine!
" Please indicate your height and present position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower, " Now repeat after me, Our Father, Who art in Heaven ........."

[kip Foss]

A crazy man escapes from an asylum and is being chased by the police. He runs into a Laundromat where 2 women are doing their laundry. He rapes both of them and runs out the door.

The next day the headlines read, Nut screws washers and bolts.

[layback40]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this.


A major U.S. corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new Chief Executive Officer. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.



On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"



A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400.00 a week. Why?"



The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office. He came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600.00 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' severance pay. Now GET YOUR ASS OUTTA' HERE and don't even think about coming back."



Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"



From across the room a voice said, "He's the pizza delivery guy from Domino's!"

[layback40]

"I must be using the wrong shampoo too"









As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle.. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says" for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"! Tomorrow I am going to start using Morning Fresh dishwashing liquid. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." It pays to read the warning labels, my friends!

[aklim]

Originally Posted by layback40

"I must be using the wrong shampoo too"









As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle.. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says" for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before? Now I understand why I am so "full-figured"! Tomorrow I am going to start using Morning Fresh dishwashing liquid. It says right on the label "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove." It pays to read the warning labels, my friends!

Which reminds me of the joke:

Girl goes to HR to complain about Smith

Girl: I like to file a complain about Mr Smith. He was sexually harassing me this morning
HR: What did he say or do?
Girl: He said he likes the smell of my hair.
HR: What's wrong with that? Maybe the shampoo you used smelled good.
Girl: Mr Smith is a midget.

[layback40]

A DOCTOR THAT HAD BEEN SEEING AN 80 - YEAR OLD LADY FOR MOST OF HER LIFE FINALLY RETIRED.

AT HER NEXT APPOINTMENT THE NEW DOCTOR TOLD HER TO BRING A LIST OF ALL MEDICINES
THAT HAD BEEN PRESCRIBED FOR HER.

AS THE YOUNG DOCTOR WAS LOOKING THROUGH THESE, HIS EYES GREW WIDE AS HE REALISED
SHE HAD A PRESCRIPTION FOR BIRTH CONTROL PILLS.

"MRS SMITH, DO YOU REALISE THESE ARE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?

"YES, THEY HELP ME SLEEP AT NIGHT."

"MRS SMITH, I ASSURE YOU THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING IN THESE THAT COULD POSSIBLY HELP
YOU SLEEP!"

SHE REACHED OUT AND PATTED THE YOUNG DOCTOR's KNEE.

"YES DEAR, I KNOW THAT. BUT EVERY MORNING I GRIND UP ONE AND MIX IT IN A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE THAT MY 16 YEAR OLD GRANDDAUGHTER DRINKS. AND BELIEVE ME, IT HELPS ME SLEEP AT NIGHT

[layback40]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to p!$$ off.
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

[layback40]

There are two statues in a park;
One of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
Years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
Hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
Shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you
Care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.


This time, I 'll hold the pigeon down and you ***** on its head.'

[layback40]

Christmas Lights




I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS, they remind me of immigrants .



They all hang together , half of the f##kers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.

[The Clk Man]

This one is from personal experience:

Have you ever farted so hard that the bones in your neck crack?

[layback40]

Australian Police Entrance Test – Private & Confidential


An Australian man is seeking to join his state police service.

The Sergeant doing the interview says : "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says : "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

[Daman858]

Girl 1 Sigh..."My boyfriend came over last night and we had panda sex."

Girl 2 "What's panda sex?"

Girl 1 "He eats shoots and leaves."

[aklim]

Originally Posted by Daman858

Girl 1 Sigh..."My boyfriend came over last night and we had panda sex."

Girl 2 "What's panda sex?"

Girl 1 "He eats shoots and leaves."

At least he eats first?