joke thread

[Can't Know]

I'm sorry I laughed so hard at this...

[Since66]

Roll call on the first day back at school in Birmingham, England .

The teacher begins calling out the names of the pupils:-

"Mustafa Al Zeri?" "Here"
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here"
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here"
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here"
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here"
"Ali Son Al En” - silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son Al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeats the call:
"Ali Son Al En…"

A girl stands up and says timidly: "Sorry, teacher. I think that might be me. But it's pronounced Alison Allen…"


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[layback40]

The testicles of a Newfoundland midget hurt and ached almost all the time. He went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his trousers and he would have a look.The midget dropped them. The doctor stood him up on the examining table, and started to examine him.



He put one finger under his left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" he said once more, and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side ... then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. To his amazement the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered they were no longer aching.

The doctor said," How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?

The doctor replied : "I cut two inches off the top of your rubber boots."

[Since66]

200 dead crows were found on I-70 nearTopeka and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. They brought in a Bird Pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows. He confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. The State then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill. The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order. When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crows could only say "Cah", but none could say "Truck."



Have a nice day...

[layback40]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

[layback40]

World’s Best Definition of Political Correctness.

"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of s h ! t by the clean end."

[layback40]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.

Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads...

He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.

"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads, " he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"






"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown !

Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow.

"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"

"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says,

"You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."

So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true).

"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses coss they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off."

Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says. and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple..

"Hold up sweetheart!", he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"





"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies,

"You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."




"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"




"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off.............

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you know what's coming don't you ?
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She flew off, saying........


"Just follow the yellow-prick toad !! "

[layback40]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her... towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

[Since66]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse.

He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

[layback40]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of
jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.
I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"
"I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big
circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed
to the little circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison.................."




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I'm reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help !!!!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

Can you help him ???

[Diesel911]

Is My Cat laughing or dieing?

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by Diesel911

Is My Cat laughing or dieing?

I think it's constipated. did you feed it too much cheese?

[layback40]

A WHITE GUY IS WALKING ALONG A BEACH WHEN HE COMES ACROSS A LAMP PARTIALLY BURIED IN THE SAND. HE PICKS UP THE LAMP AND GIVES IT A RUB.

TWO BLONDE GENIES APPEAR, AND THEY TELL HIM HE HAS BEEN GRANTED THREE WISHES.

THE GUY MAKES HIS THREE WISHES AND THE BLONDE GENIES DISAPPEAR.

THE NEXT THING THE GUY KNOWS, HE'S IN A BEDROOM, IN A GOLF-COURSE MANSION, SURROUNDED BY 50 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN..

AFTER HE MAKES LOVE TO ALL OF THEM, HE BEGINS TO EXPLORE THIS FABULOUS HOUSE..

SUDDENLY HE FEELS SOMETHING SOFT UNDER HIS FEET, HE LOOKS DOWN AND THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN $100 BILLS.

THEN, THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

HE ANSWERS IT AND STANDING THERE ARE TWO PERSONS DRESSED IN KU KLUX KLAN OUTFITS. THEY DRAG HIM OUTSIDE TO THE NEAREST TREE, THROW A ROPE OVER A LIMB AND HANG HIM BY THE NECK UNTIL HE'S DEAD.

AS THE KLANSMEN ARE WALKING AWAY, THEY REMOVE THEIR HOODS. IT'S THE TWO BLONDE GENIES.

ONE BLONDE GENIE SAYS TO THE OTHER ONE, 'I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FIRST WISH HAVING ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN A BIG MANSION TO MAKE LOVE TO.

I CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND HIM WANTING TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.

BUT WHY HE WANTED TO BE HUNG LIKE A BLACK GUY IS BEYOND ME.'

[layback40]

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

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"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY"

and with tears streaming down my face

I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

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2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

They’re both in hospital...

one's in a korma… the other's got a dodgy tikka!

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The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.

You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

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In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead

and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

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Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a

middle aged couple from Weymouth

[sloride]

Whats the difference between Christmas and the national debt?

Christmas= A bunch of lazy children getting stuff that the parents have to pay for.

National debt= A bunch of lazy adults getting stuff that the children have to pay for.