joke thread

[layback40]

Two police women are out on patrol with their Alsatian.

One says "I'm getting a bit cold, I've left my knickers back at the station"

the other says "Use the dog, give him a sniff of your crutch and he will fetch them for you"

So she lets the dog have a sniff and he runs off back to the station.

2 hours later he returns with 2 batons, a broom and 3 sergeants fingers.

[Clemson88]

I took my wife out to dinner last night. I was met with slanderous remarks such as "pedophile,child molester," and the likes. I suppose it was due to the fact that I'm 50 and my wife is 24. It ruined our 10th anniversary, anyway.

[layback40]

says Blonde: "What do OMG, IDK, IDC, and GTG mean??

Brunette: Oh my God, I don't know, I don't care, and got to go"

Blonde: Well, that's a bit rude fine bye.

[Since66]

A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers..."

So I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.

[Since66]

Do you know how to fit an elephant into a Safeway bag?

How?

Take the 'S' out of 'safe' and the 'f' out of 'way'.

There's no 'f' in 'way'!

[layback40]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."


come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heartwarming lawyer story...did you????

[layback40]

Dog On A Duty - humorsharing.com

[layback40]

I remember the cheese of my childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
when the children helped with the housework,
and the men went to work not the wife.


The cheese never needed an ice chest,
and the bread was so crusty and hot,
The children were seldom unhappy
and the wife was content with her lot.


I remember the milk from the billy,
with the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
and not from the fridge in the shop.


The kids were a lot more contented,
they didn't need money for kicks,
Just a game with our mates in the paddock,
and sometimes the Saturday flicks.


I remember the shop on the corner,
where a pen'orth of lollies was sold
Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic,
or is it....I'm just getting old?


I remember when the loo was the dunny,
and the pan man came in the night,
It wasn't the least bit funny
Going out the back with no light.


The interesting items we perused,
from the newspapers cut into squares,
and hung on a peg in the outhouse,
it took little to keep us amused.


The clothes were boiled in the copper,
with plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
as Mum pressed everyone's Duds


I remember the slap on my backside,
and the taste of soap if I swore
anorexia and diets weren't heard of
and we hadn't much choice what we wore.


Do you think that bruised our ego?
or our initiative was destroyed
We ate what was put on the table
and I think our life was better enjoyed.

[layback40]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

'Johnny !' Mom screams. 'Knock it off! You're going to break something.'

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.

He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhoea run.
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees
and takes a long, hard look at the thing.

Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.


He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've
ever actually seen a fart !'

[layback40]

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDDAUGHTER THAT IF SHE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HER OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.



THE GRANDDAUGHTER DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN SHE DIED.



SHE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

[layback40]

Mic Jagger'snew book says he slept with 4,000 women!.........


Well 3,999 if you subtract David Bowie

[layback40]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,






"Listen here good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"





Eyes now wide with interest, he responds,


"No kidding, I'm in Banking too!
Which one are you with?"

[layback40]

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in
a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you
think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color
of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like
you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like
you that make others think that all Blondes are dumb! You and your kind
continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in
general...pathetically all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little ***** on your lap."

[layback40]

IDIOT SIGHTING 1:


I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Maryborough Qld


IDIOT SIGHTING 2:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich, Qld.

IDIOT SIGHTING 3:

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
Story from Bauple Qld

IDIOT SIGHTING 4:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From Bankstown, Sydney .....


IDIOT SIGHTING 5:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened at Brisbane Airport


IDIOT SIGHTING 6:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in the Gladstone P.O. Qld


IDIOT SIGHTING 7:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

Holden Dealership Townsville Qld


STAY ALERT!


They walk among us...!

[layback40]

This morning on the Freeway,
I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman

In a brand new

Holden Calais


Doing 110 km per hr


With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds!


And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.


As a man,

I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much;

I dropped

My electric shaver,


Which knocked

The meat pie

Out of my other hand.

In all
The confusion of trying

To straighten out the car


Using my knees against
The steering wheel,


It knocked

My Mobile phone


Away from my ear


Which fell


Into the coffee

Between my legs,


Splashed,


And burned


Big Jim and the Twins,


Ruined the darn phone,


Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an

Important call.


Bloody women drivers!!