joke thread

[layback40]

subject: Genie in tackle box









Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven
pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.



'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole..

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.



The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven
sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks...
Flying directly overhead.



Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[layback40]

ABSTINENCE
A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them,
"We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must
abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the
Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife
was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to
abstain from sex for the required month." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain
through sheer willpower."

"The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed
to abstain."

"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer,
reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts."
"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I
just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful,
loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done
we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this
means you will not be welcome in our church."

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head,
"We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

[layback40]

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.

The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Parks And Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department
of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber from a 'recreational area' . . .
I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'

[layback40]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m.

and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies;

“I am going to a lecture about alcohol

abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks,

“Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies,




“My wife.”

[layback40]

List of paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian (derived from two Greek words - one meaning "beyond" and other meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

· Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

· The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

· Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

· We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

· Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

* The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* The TV Evening News is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
* I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
* Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of many other successful men is usually another woman.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
* Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
* Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
* I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
* A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[layback40]

WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a *****.

[The Clk Man]

The Clk Man is smarter than Einstein?

[layback40]

Now this has your name on it CLK man !!!!

Two Victorians, Bob and Tom, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Bob stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp
vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Bob immediately blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into V.B. beer."
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Tom looked disgustedly at Bob whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Tom said,

"Nice going Bob! ... Now we're going to have to p!ss in the boat."

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

Now this has your name on it CLK man !!!!

Two Victorians, Bob and Tom, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Bob stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp
vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Bob immediately blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into V.B. beer."
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Tom looked disgustedly at Bob whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Tom said,

"Nice going Bob! ... Now we're going to have to p!ss in the boat."

That was deep my man.

[layback40]

Originally Posted by The Clk Man

That was deep my man.

Glad you liked it !!

This is why you drink beer!!!

www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf


I assume it will work, just copy & paste.

[layback40]

An Irish Family Tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had
all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the
pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick
took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped
out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Confused as well as furious, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I
walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father
before him?"
Granny looked into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "That
would be because your father, your grandfather and your great
grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is
frozen. You were born in August, you d#psh#t.

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

An Irish Family Tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had
all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the
pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick
took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped
out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Confused as well as furious, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I
walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father
before him?"
Granny looked into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "That
would be because your father, your grandfather and your great
grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is
frozen. You were born in August, you d#psh#t.

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[layback40]

With all you guys getting so up tight about politics & the world situation, we need a little comic relief !!
Does any one know how to post power points on here or want to help me by posting some for me?

[layback40]

This maybe a little hard for one or 2 of you to understand unless you understand what Ozzies think of Newzealanders & how we can say anything about our political leaders. Some of you get a bit upset by this ~ too much PC rubbish & historical guilt.

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck, only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Julia Gillard.

That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk!'

[layback40]

Two Irish lads, Mick and Shaun are walking down a street in Bondi. Mick happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Mick says to Shaun, 'Shaun, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to Ireland, we could make a fortune'.

'Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our eccint, they might not be nice to us'. 'I'll speak in my bist Aussie eccint.'

'No worries, smiled Shaun, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Mick says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each,

100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty peers of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck end...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'