joke thread

[MTI]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."

The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

[Kuan]

1

2

LMAO ROFL LOL!

[MTI]

So two jumper cables walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "You guys better not start anything in here."

and now for something completely different . . .

Sven answered a knock on his door and there was his friend Ole who was obviously very troubled. Sven said "Offda! Ole, come in, what's wrong? You look terrible!"
Ole stammered, "Ya, you know my best horse Lena? She died last night!"

Sven and Ole were both solemnly silent for some time contemplating life's setbacks (as you know, Norwegians perfected silence as a method of communication and nothing more needed to be said).

But, Ole was unable to contain his grief and after awhile he stammered, "It's a funny thing too, she never done that before!"

[Wodnek]

A guy was driving 60 mph down the road and goes under a bridge. Wouldn't you know it, it was a speed trap.

The cop comes along side and says " You were going 60 in a 40 what were you in such a hurry for?!"

The guy says "I am a rectum stretcher. I got an emergency call of a rectum that needs stretchin"

cop, "Huh? Whats that?"

guy, " Well, you start with two fingers, then a hand, soon two hands, pretty soon if you work at it it gets to 72" of stretch.

cop "What the hell do you do with a six foot a$$ hole?



ready?




are you sure?



keep going




Guy " You give him a radar gun and stick him on a bridge!"

[kott]

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been impossibly stingy, so much so that he married a woman named Penny.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Fanny, let’s get out of here."

[MTI]

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?

Could God make a burrito so hot he couldn't eat it?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If corn oil is made from corn and saffron oil from saffron, ever wonder what baby oil is made from?

[manny]

What's the difference between pink and purple?


The GRIP.

One day in the fifth grade, the children were telling stories that had morals to them. Little Buddy told a tale of when his Uncle Kyle was an Army paratrooper during the Vietnam war. "Once Uncle Kyle's plane was shot down by the NVA and he had to bail out before the drop zone. The plane was on fire, so all he could jump with was a quart of scotch, a carbine and his .45. On the way down he started drinking the scotch. As he descended, he started shooting the NVA who had downed the plane with his carbine, killing quite a few of the gun crew. He finished the scotch as he hit the ground, and proceded to kill the remaining members of the gun crew with his .45, along with a peace activist from New York."

The teacher was shocked and asked Buddy what the moral of the story was. Buddy squared his shoulders and said "Don't f**k with a paratrooper when he has been drinking".

[TX76513]

G.W.Bush and John Kerry accidentally wound up at the same barbershop at
the same time while stopping for a little touchup \while campaigning.
As they sat in adjacent chairs, worked on by different barbers, not a
word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for
fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers each finished their haircuts, the one working on Kerry
reached for some scented hair tonic to splash on, but Kerry quickly
held up his hand, smiled, and said, "No thanks, Johnny! My wife, Teresa
(Ta-ray-za), will smell that and think I've been gallivanting in a
whorehouse!" Everyone in his entourage laughed.

The other barber turned to Bush and said, "I suppose you don't want
any tonic on your hair either, Mr. President?" Bush replied, "No, go
ahead, Mike. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse
smells like!"

[nhodges]

President Bush was visiting a primary school and one of the
classes he visited was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives
on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a
tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we would
call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a
quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying You and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident
either."

[J.HIDALGO]

Why is that certain time of the month named Pre-menstrual Syndrome (PMS)? His friend anwers: because... Mad Cow Disease was already taken!

[Botnst]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?" That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[85drtysthbenz]

a guy walks into a whorehouse in texas...hes greeted by the madam, who asks what hed like...he says,"well, its been a while for me...i want something pretty kinky" the madam says,"ok, heres your room key..go up there and wait for a few minutes".. the guy goes up there, and in a minute, two of the hottest women hes ever seen come in and just wear the man out...they go at it all night long, doing anything he asked of them...the mext morning, the man staggers downstairs, and stops to ask the madam,"that was the best sex ive ever had in my life...what do you call that?" she says, "we call that The Bear." the guy thanks her and leaves....
a few weeks later he comes back and before the madam can even say anything, he says,"i want the Bear...i want the Bear"...madam says, "ok, you know where to go.." so, the guy goes up and gets his clothes off and gets into bed...and its obvious that hes "ready for action"....just then, a black cleaning lady comes in and starts dusting and is distracted by the man laying in bed with a tent pitched....she says,"oooh, can i see that thang?" the man says," ah, i dont see any harm in it" and pulls the sheet back...she kind jumps back, startled...she says,"ooh, can i touch that thang?" man says,"ok,i dont see no harm in it"...she touches it and kind of jumps back again...then she says," can i suck that thang?" to which the man replies, "ma'am, this things loaded for Bear, its liable to shoot a coon's head slap off."



what did the fish say when it ran into a concrete wall?


dam!

[MTI]

Things to Say When You Have Nothing to Say

A day without sunshine is like.. well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.

Are all strangers supposed to have candy?

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

Constipated people don't give a crap.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

A smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.