joke thread

[layback40]

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D##khead and S##t for Brains.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children…

· A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[layback40]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but

the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.


The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked

on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart.. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and

a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

[layback40]

History's top 10 times for appropriate Use of the F-word:


10th - "Scattered f##king showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the f##k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the f##king ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those f##king Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so f##king look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the f##k are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any f##king idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the f##k was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f##king hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

AND ... Drum roll please ...

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the f##k is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

[layback40]

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never
thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will
enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the
most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive, invincible ...

.... No wait... I'm thinking of alcohol.

[layback40]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and
clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names’ The old man hung his head. ‘I
have to tell you the truth,’ he said, ‘Her name slipped my mind about
10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!’

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and
clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names’ The old man hung his head. ‘I
have to tell you the truth,’ he said, ‘Her name slipped my mind about
10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!’

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[layback40]

The wife wants one of these mirrors, any one know where I can get one?

[layback40]

The "Here After"
A young PP member (probably late teens) is out with a new girl.
After an interesting dinner (Macca's), they go for a drive up in the hills in his classic Benz.
In a nice secluded spot it stalls, he suggests they give the car a rest & have a chat.
After a few minutes of pleasant conversation, she advises that she is a strict Christian. She gets a Bible out of her hand bag & starts to quote all sorts of stuff.
You can imagine what this does for his ego!
After a while he manages to get a few words in & asks her what she understands about the "Here After"
She replies by quoting John & Peter & all sorts of stuff, all the while he sits there shaking his head.
Eventually out of frustration she says to him "Well what do you mean by the Here After"
He replies" Its quite simple really; If your not Here After the same thing that I am Here After, you will be Here After I leave" ............

[layback40]

Curtis and Leroy, The Parrot, and Thanksgiving Dinner

The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy

A few weeks before Thanksgiving, Curtis received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Curtis tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, Curtis was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Curis shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

Curtis asked his best friend, Leroy, what he should do. Leroy said throw him in the freezer to teach him a lesson.

Curtis said, ‘ I can’t do that. You do it for me.’

Leroy grabbed the parrot and placed him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, Leroy quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Leroy’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended Curtis with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

Curtis and Leroy were stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. Leroy was beaming because his suggestion worked.

Just as Leroy was leaving, the parrot whispered to him, “May I ask what the turkey did to Curtis?”

[layback40]

The Adventures of Curtis and Leroy
Curtis and Leroy walk into a bar with their pet raccoons. They walk up to the bar and take a seat, the raccoons do the same. Curtis and Leroy order a beer for themselves and a double scotch for each of the raccoons. They proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again. They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load untill suddenly one raccoon falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. Curtis and Leroy get up of their stools and head for the door.
The barman shouts at them as they head out the door, ‘You can’t leave that lyin’ ‘ere!’
To which Leroy replies, ‘It’s not a lion, it’s a raccoon!’

[layback40]

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist, and
The fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better He called his cat and
said,
‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and
said, ‘Measure, do your stuff.’
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10
ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass
without spilling a drop.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, ‘What can
your cat do?’

The Government Employee called his cat and said, ‘CoffeeBreak, do your
stuff.’

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet…….
Ate the cookies……….

Drank the milk…….

**** on the paper…….

Screwed the other three cats…….

Claimed he injured his back while doing so……..

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……..

Put in for Workers Compensation…………….

and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…

[layback40]

The 100 MPH Goat

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are
walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole;
I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something
down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here,
give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and
two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and
they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush,
run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole
and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin'
about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible.

I had him chained to a transmission!"

[layback40]

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box in Dublin, after years being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the shelf of one wall, is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates,
the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxom blond.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession; but I must first admit that the confessional box is much
more inviting than it used to be”.

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side," the priest replies.

[layback40]

Oh To Be 12 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.



?




Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.



?




Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'



?




Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

[layback40]

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant, but today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

Now you are as enlightened as I am.