joke thread

[Jim B.]

The IRS and GRANDPA


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his
attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time
employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not
sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other
eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars
that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the
other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides
there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so
he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a
huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney.
'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he
bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over
your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

The Lesson is Don't Mess with Old Timers!!

[cscmc1]

Did you hear about the fellow who decided to open up a whorehouse, but couldn't find any employees right away? He decided to run it by hand for a while.

[ramonajim]

Sixty Things You Should Never Say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

[kknudson]

You heard WGN is dropping coverage of the Cubs after this season !!!!!!!!!!



Don't worry Comedy Central picked them up.


OK Local Chicago joke, but so are the Cubs.

(Don't flame me I am a fan, just not a die hard crazy fan)

[layback40]

Beer Troubleshooting
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

[layback40]

Would some one please claim this !!!

Promo Reference No: RS/7/02/33-31

have won $1,500,000.00 in the Mega Super Lotto email program,
held on 3RD September 2010 in Brussels Belgium
please, provide the winning information below to your claim agent for further proceeding
Winning information below:
Email Ticket No SJ-01-44-18-20
Reference No: RS/7/02/33-31
Draw Lucky No: 01-21-11-12-45
Batch No: 43-6-33-9- 3
Serial No:45-8-23-12
Registered No: XXXMEGSUP/21109050
Your full name and Telephone Number;
Contact: Mr.Gavin van duke,
TEL 0032-487-746-311 /01132-487-746-311
Reply to Email:megasuperlotto90@aol.com
Please note that the validity period of the winning is 24TH of
SEPTEMBER 2010,
Mrs.Sarah Winberg,
V.P

[micalk]

Two babies are in the hospital having just been born.

The first baby turns to the second and asks "What kind of baby are you?"

"I'm a girl baby. What kind of baby are you?"

"I'm a boy baby."

"How do you know?"

The first baby throws off its blanket and says "See that? Blue booties!"

[layback40]

SPEEDING


A senior citizen drove his brand new SLK convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his old napper.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the floor even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on Earth am I doing? I'm too old for this silly nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.


Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of The BENZ, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."


The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.

[layback40]

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, D##khead and S##t for Brains.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.

· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children…

· A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[layback40]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but

the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.


The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked

on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart.. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and

a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny

[layback40]

History's top 10 times for appropriate Use of the F-word:


10th - "Scattered f##king showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

9th - "How the f##k did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

8th - "You want WHAT on the f##king ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

7th - "Where did all those f##king Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

6th - "It does so f##king look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

5th - "Where the f##k are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937

4th - "Any f##king idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

3rd - "What the f##k was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945

2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f##king hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

AND ... Drum roll please ...

The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....

"Aw c'mon. Who the f##k is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

[layback40]

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never
thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will
enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the
most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive, invincible ...

.... No wait... I'm thinking of alcohol.

[layback40]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and
clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names’ The old man hung his head. ‘I
have to tell you the truth,’ he said, ‘Her name slipped my mind about
10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!’

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

An elderly gent was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request
to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and
clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still
call your wife those loving pet names’ The old man hung his head. ‘I
have to tell you the truth,’ he said, ‘Her name slipped my mind about
10 years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is!’

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[layback40]

The wife wants one of these mirrors, any one know where I can get one?