joke thread

[layback40]

The Two Irishmen

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week
hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to
return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads
objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them
all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in
and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting
to cross the Rockies even on full power the little plane couldn't handle
the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only
Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage,
Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, "I think we're
pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[layback40]

Two women friends Patricia & Luisa had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had become over-enthusiastic about Bacardi Breezers ...

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the local cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties to use then discard them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After everything was done, they continued on their way home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing! ..." said the other husband ... "mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station - we'll never forget you' "

[layback40]

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.


Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.


At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."


Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."


The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."


Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."



The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[jplinville]

Originally Posted by layback40

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

This one made me laugh hard...LOL

[layback40]

NEVER MAKE HER ANGRY !!
> A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to
> greet her, she peeked through the gates and saw a beautiful banquet table.
>
> Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and
> who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her,
> "Hello. How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
>
> When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him,
> "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
>
> "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
> "Which word?" the woman asked.
> "Love."
>
> The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
>
> About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman
> and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
> While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
>
> "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
> "Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I
> married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And
> then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in
> and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We
> were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my
> head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
>
> "You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
> "Which word?" her husband asked.
> "Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis", she replied.
>
> Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry . . . there will be Hell to pay!
>
>
> NB: The longest word currently listed in the Oxford dictionary is the supposed
> lung-disease pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis (45 letters).
>
> Now you've learned a new word !

[layback40]

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation,
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.



Life is Short.

Smile while you still have Teeth.

[layback40]

NORWEGIAN VIRGIN WEDDING

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.

Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek
and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin -- in every vay."
The doctor told him, "Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let
it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it
on dere as long as you can."

He took 4 tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint,
and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olof mentioned none of this to Lena , married her, and they went on their
honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her
beautiful, untouched breasts. She said: "Olof...you're the first vun!
No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olof immediately dropped his pants and replied: "Look at dis Lena ...
still in DA CRATE!"

[Since66]

A man with a glass eye had been out for a night on the town. Being the worst for wear, when he stumbled into bed, he dropped his glass eye into his drinking water on the bed table. During the night, he drank the water and accidentally swallowed the eye.

A day or so later he was suffering from severe constipation, so he went to his local M.D. The doctor inserted his proctoscope and muttered under his breath, "Good grief, I've looked up plenty of *******s before, but this is the first one to ever look back at me."

[layback40]

Yodeling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland ..

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow is traveling through,' said the farmer. 'and needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn.

About an hour later the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned the visitor was gone she burst into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying goodbye?,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?', shouted the father, as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, 'I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!'

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


'LAIDTHEOLADEETOO'

[MTI]

In honor of the New Year:

Sam and Sadie struck it rich with the NY lottery. Their lifelong dream was to live like royalty, so they bought a country manor in the English countryside. Of course, they also hired a very proper English butler, Mr. James.

Sam and Sadie were headed into town and asked James to be sure to have the dinner table set for four, as the Cohens were coming for dinner. When they returned, the table was fully set, but with eight place settings.

Surprised, Sadie asked "James, why eight?" James politely replied, "The Cohens called to say that they were bringing the Latkes and the Blintzes."

[layback40]

A Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot





You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.
Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from
who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you
need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex.
Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.
Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.
Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.
Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.
Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.
Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.

Go to KMart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.
Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a Home Depot ? Something for my garden?
Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

[layback40]

Did you hear about the Australian who received a new boomerang for his birthday? He spent a week trying to throw the old one away.

[layback40]

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

[Angel]

I'm from Ohio.

Becoming an astronaut isnt easy (physical conditioning, flight school, astronaut selection process, politics...)

This just tells me that few other states make people good enough to become astronauts

-John

[Daman858]

A young man, who is a Jehovah's Witness, knocked on a door. A middle age man answered to door.

The young man said to him "I am a Jehovah's Witness and......."

"Well, come on in and sit down!" interrupted the home owner. "Now, what would you like to talk about?"

"Hell if I know" said the Witness "I never got this far before!"