joke thread

[layback40]

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life Towards 2013 -- Remember:


1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called .... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.


4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes, Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.


10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment ... for enjoying sex.

Thought for the day: Be who you are and say what you feel ... because those that matter... don't mind ...and those that mind ...don't matter!

And As You Slide Down that Banister of Life You Should Pray That All The Splinters Are Pointed The Other Way...

[layback40]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man:'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here..'
The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now.'

[layback40]


Good-bye Grandpa


A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to say."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moses" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[layback40]


Good-bye Grandpa


A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the right thing to say."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moses" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[layback40]

A Blonde goes to Heaven.
An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...?

[layback40]

From the Rolls Royce Staff Magazine.



Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..


Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.


The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.


Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.


You're going to love this......



Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:


"Defrost the chicken."

[10fords]

A woman was playing golf when she took a big swing and fell. The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included President Obama.
Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet. She thanked him and started to leave, when he said,"I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November."
She laughed and quickly replied, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"

[layback40]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to discover that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says: "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.."

They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the University of Illinois and I believe in the power of Justice to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde (you knew it), is strapped in and says: "Well, I just graduated from Clemson University with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, y'all ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[layback40]

A married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back

and forth between a fishing channel and the porn
channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and

finally said:




"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You
already know how to fish!"

[layback40]

The Story of Adam & Eve's Pets

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.'

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.




And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.'





And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.




After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like pea-kock$ and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'


And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.



And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.



And God was pleased..

And Dog was happy.


And the Cat . . .

didn't give a $h1t one way or the other.

[layback40]

I Just Got Fired.....

I just got sacked from my job with the Lifeline crisis centre.

A guy called Mohammed phoned and said, "My girlfriend left me so I'm lying on the railway track at Sydney Central waiting for the train to come".

I swear, all I said was,"Remain calm and stay on the line".

[layback40]

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards. ....

Forwards then backwards. ....
Back and forth...
back and forth...
In and out, in and out....

Her heart was now pounding faster, her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally exhausted she let out one almighty scream!!!


"OK !... OK!...


I “CANT” park the f*cking car!


“”You”” do it, you SMUG BASTARD!"

[layback40]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.



The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"



And God said that it was good.



On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."



The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"



And God again said that it was good.



On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."



The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"



And God agreed it was good.



On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."



But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"



"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."



So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.



Life has now been explained to you.



There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[kip Foss]

A golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Hearing the crash, a woman who lived on the golf course came out of her house yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay?"
"A few cuts and bruises," he said, "but nothing seems broken."

"Come up to the house and let's get some bandages," she said.

"No," he said. "My wife wouldn't like that."

"You're hurt!" she insisted. "Come in!"

She got some antiseptic and bandages and cleaned him up, but he was in obvious pain.
"Do you want a drink?" she asked.

"I'd love one," he said, "but my wife would be
very unhappy."

"Nonsense!" she said, pouring a drink. "You're in obvious pain, and you need something."

As she tended to him he became aroused and she noticed. She began taking off her clothes.

"Wait!" he said. "My wife will be furious!"

"Don't be silly," she said. "You've had a trauma and this will be better than anesthesia."

Afterwards, he began to dress quickly.
"Where are you running off to?" she asked.

"My wife is going to kill me!" he said.

"She'll never know anything happened," said the woman. "Where is she, anyway?"

"Under the golf cart," he said.

[Since66]

I was out lounge-hopping last Saturday night. Yes, I'd had a few. I noticed two large women at one bar. Both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?" One of them chirped: "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!" So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember...