joke thread

[layback40]

Now this has your name on it CLK man !!!!

Two Victorians, Bob and Tom, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Bob stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp
vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Bob immediately blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into V.B. beer."
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Tom looked disgustedly at Bob whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Tom said,

"Nice going Bob! ... Now we're going to have to p!ss in the boat."

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

Now this has your name on it CLK man !!!!

Two Victorians, Bob and Tom, were adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Bob stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp
vigorously and a genie came forth. This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Bob immediately blurted out,
"Turn the entire ocean into V.B. beer."
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into beer and the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Tom looked disgustedly at Bob whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Tom said,

"Nice going Bob! ... Now we're going to have to p!ss in the boat."

That was deep my man.

[layback40]

Originally Posted by The Clk Man

That was deep my man.

Glad you liked it !!

This is why you drink beer!!!

www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf


I assume it will work, just copy & paste.

[layback40]

An Irish Family Tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had
all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the
pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick
took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped
out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Confused as well as furious, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I
walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father
before him?"
Granny looked into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "That
would be because your father, your grandfather and your great
grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is
frozen. You were born in August, you d#psh#t.

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

An Irish Family Tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had
all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the
pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick
took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped
out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Confused as well as furious, Paddy went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I
walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father
before him?"
Granny looked into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "That
would be because your father, your grandfather and your great
grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is
frozen. You were born in August, you d#psh#t.

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[layback40]

With all you guys getting so up tight about politics & the world situation, we need a little comic relief !!
Does any one know how to post power points on here or want to help me by posting some for me?

[layback40]

This maybe a little hard for one or 2 of you to understand unless you understand what Ozzies think of Newzealanders & how we can say anything about our political leaders. Some of you get a bit upset by this ~ too much PC rubbish & historical guilt.

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck, only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was Julia Gillard.

That evening, the man brought Julia to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Julia and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Julia batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk!'

[layback40]

Two Irish lads, Mick and Shaun are walking down a street in Bondi. Mick happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Mick says to Shaun, 'Shaun, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to Ireland, we could make a fortune'.

'Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our eccint, they might not be nice to us'. 'I'll speak in my bist Aussie eccint.'

'No worries, smiled Shaun, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Mick says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each,

100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty peers of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck end...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'

[layback40]

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,



'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

[layback40]

Subject: The Kiss

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[layback40]

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.





“What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord…
“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”



“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.



“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.



“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”



“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord



“It’s not” said the man…
“the little pr!ck stuck a pin in all my condoms”

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

Subject: The Kiss

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

Ah, the Pink Parade.

[BAVBMW]

Originally Posted by layback40

Two Irish lads, Mick and Shaun are walking down a street in Bondi. Mick happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Mick says to Shaun, 'Shaun, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to Ireland, we could make a fortune'.

'Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Jist lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our eccint, they might not be nice to us'. 'I'll speak in my bist Aussie eccint.'

'No worries, smiled Shaun, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Mick says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each,

100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty peers of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck end...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'

Did I miss something? Is that the whole joke?

MV

[layback40]

Originally Posted by BAVBMW

Did I miss something? Is that the whole joke?

MV

Australian humor, any one with their funny bone removed just wont get it !!

[layback40]

After a long night of making love,
the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.
'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?'
he continues.
'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...


************************************


Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'





********************************************



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.



*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters



'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'




***********************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.





********************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


***************************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

*******************************************