joke thread

[el presidente]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[layback40]

There was a knock on the door this morning,

I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down."

"Now what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " F##ked if I know I've never got this far before"

[layback40]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXShrTUsmmo

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXShrTUsmmo

Now that's a classic right there boys.

[Daman858]

The Pope is on a visit to the US and he is riding in the Pope-mobile down a long stretch of highway going to his next stop.

"You know," he says to the driver "Since I've been the Pope, I don't get to drive very much. I always wanted to drive this here Pope-mobile and see what she'll do. How 'bout switching with me and let me drive a bit?"

"I can't do that, Your Holiness, I'll get in trouble." says the driver."

"Nah, I won't tell anyone"

So they switch places, and the Pope floors the Pope-mobile and gets it up to about a hundred when he gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The trooper walks up to the driver's window, looks in and says "I'll be right back!"

The trooper goes back to his car and calls the lieutenant on the radio "Boss, I got a VIP here that I stopped for speeding and I don't exactly know what to do."

"Well, who the heck is he?" says the lieutenant.

"I don't rightly know!" says the trooper "But he's got the Pope for a chauffeur!

[kip Foss]

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley
when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive,
he didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does, with a deep tongue kiss.
After she's finished the biker says,
"Wow! That wasthe best kiss I have ever had!
That's a real talent you are wasting!
You could be famous!
Why are youcommitting suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."

[layback40]

Skid Row Joe this one is for you !!!!

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Mary was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Mary" said the teacher…

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog *****!"

Then I would say,"It is dog *****. Wanna' buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something *****ty for
free, and then making you pay to get the *****ty taste out of your mouth."

[mgburg]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake

He engages a porstitute and takes her up to a room.

He's son going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean? I'm going to slow for ya'?"

"Nope!" she replies, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back!"

[mgburg]

A guy was just getting ready to tee off on the 1st hole, when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for $5.00 a hole?"

The first guy hesitated a few seconds, then said that he wasn't much for betting, but he'd agree to the terms.

The second guy then went ahead and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off #18, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He then turned to the 1st golfer and confessed that he was the Pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

Well, the 1st golfer, too, admitted he needed to get something off his chest and mentioned the fact that he was the Parish Priest.

WELL, the Pro became immediately flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. However, the Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was a bit of a fool to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The Pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them for you too."

[mgburg]

A Texan cruises through a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. The Texan hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification card, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," says the cop, "I see you have a CC Permit. Do you just happen to be carrying any weapons on you and/or in your vehicle today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you've got."

Mr. Smith says, "Well, I've got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket, then, I have a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

Okay," the cap says, "anything else?"

"Oh yeah. Back in the bed-box, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it."

"Well Mr. Smith, are you on your way to, or from, a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then," the cops says, "what are you afraid of...considering the fact that you're carrying all those weapons?"

"Not a damn thing..."

[dynalow]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi.. You know...., I
just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The welfare clerk behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The welfare clerk said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

[layback40]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'






When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'

'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.





'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'










'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'


So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.




The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.



'No Kidding,' he said.




'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

[layback40]

Very politically incorrect!!

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?

Amhere!


What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!



What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?

Amhere Azwell Azhim!

[layback40]

In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a multi storey block of flats.

A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and
all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in
the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in
the fire.

Six Maori ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They
flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims,
Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple
survived.

The fire chief quietly replied, "They were both at work."

[layback40]

German technology at its best!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTg7PUSVidI