joke thread

[layback40]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea , and then," he said with a deep sigh ............




"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box

[layback40]

A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands..

'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to

elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene

with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I

knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant..

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the

woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,

so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


Love, your son, Nicholas.



"P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk"



I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

[layback40]

Puns for Educated Minds




1.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.



2.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .



3.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



4.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



6.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



7.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



8.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



9.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.



10.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



12.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



13.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.



14.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'



15.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



16.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



17.

A backward poet writes inverse.



18.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count

that votes.



19.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



20.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .



21.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'



22.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'




23.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.



24.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'



25.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.



26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

[Aquaticedge]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in
front of the car.

The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops,
turns around and waves again,

he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves,

hops another ten feet,
turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says,

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

[layback40]

God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.

I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a
continent of white people, and over there is a Continent of black
people.
Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome,
modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the
world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving,
and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of
peace, and producers of software."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots
I put there."

[layback40]

After a visit to the whore house,

a man notices green lumps on his willy,

so he decides he had better go and see the local doctor.


“That’s serious” says the doctor, You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”


“Yes” says the man seriously.


“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

[kknudson]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the a** are interchangeable. "

[mgburg]

Originally Posted by layback40

After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he decides he had better go and see the local doctor.
“That’s serious” says the doctor, You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

Thanks alot layback40!!!! Now I'll never work up the guts to try those things!!!

[aklim]

Originally Posted by mgburg

Thanks alot layback40!!!! Now I'll never work up the guts to try those things!!!

Or how about waffles once you google "blue waffles".

[mgburg]

Originally Posted by aklim

Or how about waffles once you google "blue waffles".

Never had the opportunity arise (pardon the pun) where I would have had the need to "google" the term "blue waffles" let alone ever hear it in the course of conversation...do tell...is it NSFW? (Like I should ask this of many of your responses...)

[aklim]

Originally Posted by mgburg

Never had the opportunity arise (pardon the pun) where I would have had the need to "google" the term "blue waffles" let alone ever hear it in the course of conversation...do tell...is it NSFW? (Like I should ask this of many of your responses...)

Lets put it another way. It is going to be very easy for you to give up waffles in the morning especially if they have a hint of blue in them once you see what they are.

[layback40]

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife.

The Constable said "Is this your wife sir?"

Shocked I answered "Yes"

He said, "I'm afraid I have to tell you that it looks like she’s been
hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality and she’s good with the kids."

[layback40]

Raisin Bread


A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.


Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.


"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.


As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.


After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"


Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

[layback40]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
F*ck me, talk about Dyson with death.


Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.



Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from

the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.

[layback40]

I've read this several times and just can't see why it was an issue...........





Subject: Male Logic

A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."