joke thread

[layback40]

BEST COME BACK LINE EVER

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was
charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public
intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session when he decided to stop;

'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around';

He stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose;
cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I
was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment



In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I
walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence .


'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with
a pumpkin'?


'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said...
'A pumpkin? **** .... is it midnight already?'

This was in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best
Come Back Line Ever.'

[layback40]

Back to good old English humour.

Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils - extracts from letters written to local councils:

1. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.


6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it"s now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

[layback40]

Warning !!!!
If you are thin skinned or easily offended best you dont read my jokes !! Just click the little X in the red box in the top RH corner.





















The Obedient Wife
There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all
of his money, & was a real
miser when it came to his
money.

Just before he died, he said
to his wife,"When I die, I want
you to take all my money and
put it in the casket with me. I
want to take my money to the
afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. L

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with
her; she came over with the box
and put it in the casket. Then
the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you were not
foolish enough to put all that
money in there with your
husband."

The loyal wife replied,
"Listen, I'm a Christian;
I cannot go back on my word.
I promised him that I was
going to put that money into
the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put
that money in the casket with
him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife.
"I got it all together, put it into
my account, and wrote him a Cheque..... If he can cash it,
then he can spend it."

[kip Foss]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little ****, O 'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself; didn't you have something in your hand?"

“That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[kip Foss]

Ground: "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

Pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Ground "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

*****

This Brit goes to Australia for a tourist trip and on the border they ask him if he had ever stayed in jail or had been arrested. So he says: "I did not know that was still required." (Thanks, Rich!)

*****

A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"

The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"

*****

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

[kip Foss]

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.
The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!
Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark
or seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go,
others whenever they go.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.

[Aquaticedge]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it is like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[layback40]

It's the level of stress.




You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your

car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you

are going to be a father.

You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is

getting very stressful,

So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and

probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.

NOW THAT'S STRESS!!

[layback40]

STELLA AWARDS:


It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with
these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico ,
where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee
and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one
could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for the
most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of
cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.


Here are the Stellas for this past year -- 2010:


*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by
the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son

Start scratching!


* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he
was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...


* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was leaving a house he had
just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the
automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage
door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door
connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance
company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the
insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are more...

Double hand scratching after this one..


*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's
when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the
butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a
chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked
for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the
time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the
yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot.


* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled
soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the
floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during
an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own
actions?




*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a
nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking
out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through
the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said
the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go
figure.


Ok. Here we go!!


* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago
motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven
on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich..
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the
cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down?

$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals
as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who
might also buy a motor home.

[kip Foss]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!'"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[mgburg]

A few years back, a woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed at the top of the person's head and with then, a little turn, the idividual can tighten up the skin and self-produce the effects of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful...the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

But then, after fifteen years, the woman had to return to the surgeon...this time, with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many, many times and I've always loved the results. But now, I've developed two annoying problems: The first problem I'm having is...I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her very closely and then said, "Those aren't bags. Those are your breasts."

With a surprised look on her face, then a simple sigh of resignation, she said, "Well doc, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

[layback40]

You all get to guess who the guy in the clip is !!!!



http://www.worktobejudged.com/strippause/peca.html

[Delibes]

Engineers and bikes
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Half full or half empty?
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Golfing engineers
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Differences
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Three engineers meet
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

If it ain't broke...
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

[aklim]

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"

[aklim]

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"