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#91
08-10-2006, 02:29 PM
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How long?
Quote:
__________________
" We have nothing to fear but the main stream media itself . . . ."- Adapted from Franklin D Roosevelt for the 21st century  OBK #55 1998 Lincoln Continental - Sold Max 1984 300TD 285,000 miles - Sold The Dee8gonator 1987 560SEC 196,000 miles - Sold Orgasmatron - 2006 CLS500 90,000 miles 2002 C320 Wagon 122,000 miles 2016 AMG GTS 12,000 miles 
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#92
10-18-2006, 09:32 AM
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Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take off, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke." "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good, I'd really like one, too." Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
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#93
03-26-2007, 08:44 AM
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The only cow in a small town in Arkansas stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found they could buy a cow up in Antigo, Wisconsin, for $200.00.
They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she walks away to the other side." The Vet thinks about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."
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#94
03-26-2007, 11:09 AM
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#95
03-26-2007, 01:00 PM
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A woman goes to see her doctor.
After examining her, the doctor tells her some bad news. "You only have 2 weeks to live," the doctor tells his patient. "Oh my God," she replies "what shall I do?" The doctor thought about it for a moment and then replied. "Go and marry an accountant." "Why?" the woman asked. "Will marrying an accountant make me live longer?" "No," the doctor said, "it will just make the time you have left seem longer..." 
__________________
Current Benzes 1989 300TE "Alice" 1990 300CE "Sam Spade" 1991 300CE "Beowulf" RIP (06.1991 - 10.10.2007) 1998 E320 "Orson" 2002 C320 Wagon "Molly Fox" Res non semper sunt quae esse videntur My Gallery Not in this weather!
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#96
04-11-2007, 09:37 AM
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This older guy loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, "Are you talking to me?" The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of." The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will l give you sexual pleasures like you have never had." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
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#97
04-11-2007, 09:46 AM
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A 2007 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon
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#98
06-25-2007, 07:10 PM
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Top 10 Signs a Therapist is Approaching Burn-out:
10) You think of the peaceful park you like as "your private therapeutic milieu." 9) You realize that your floridly psychotic patient, who is picking invisible flowers out of mid air, is probably having more fun in life than you are. 8) A grateful client, who thinks you walk on water, brings you a small gift and you end up having to debrief your feelings of unworthiness with a colleague. 7) You are watching a re-run of the Wizard of Oz and you start to categorize the types of delusions that Dorothy had. 6) Your best friend comes to you with severe relationship troubles, and you start trying to remember which cognitive behavioral technique has the most empirical validly for treating this problem. 5) You realize you actually have no friends, they have all become just one big case load. 4) A co-worker asks how you are doing and you reply that you are a bit "internally preoccupied" and "not able to interact with peers" today. 3) Your spouse asks you to set the table and you tell them that it would be "countertherapeutic to your current goals" to do that. 2) You tell your teenage daughter she is not going to start dating boys because she is "in denial," "lacks insight," and her "emotions are not congruent with her chronological age." And, the number one reason a therapist may be burning out... 1) You are packing for a trip to a large family holiday reunion and you take the DSM-IV with you just in case.
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#99
07-03-2007, 09:51 AM
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A professor at the University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in Ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Bubba replied,"Shoot! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."
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#100
07-03-2007, 09:55 AM
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Quote:
__________________
"It's normal for these things to empty your wallet and break your heart in the process." 2012 SLK 350 1987 420 SEL
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#101
07-03-2007, 10:49 AM
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Quote:
Every time flight control yelled , "Launch!!!" ....
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#102
07-04-2007, 08:22 PM
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After a nice supper, two old women went into the kitchen, leaving their husbands to chat. One fellow said, "We went to a great restaurant last night." "Oh, what's it's name?" asked the other one.
"Oh, what's that red flower . . . ." "Carnation?" "No, the other one . . ." "Poppy?" "No, the one with thorns!" "Oh, you mean rose?" "Yeah, that's it. (hollers) Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
__________________
1986 300SDL, 362K 1984 300D, 138K
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#103
09-08-2008, 12:51 PM
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Golfing Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here.
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#104
09-08-2008, 01:29 PM
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I loveit! That's great, Bot.
__________________
" We have nothing to fear but the main stream media itself . . . ."- Adapted from Franklin D Roosevelt for the 21st century OBK #55 1998 Lincoln Continental - Sold Max 1984 300TD 285,000 miles - Sold The Dee8gonator 1987 560SEC 196,000 miles - Sold Orgasmatron - 2006 CLS500 90,000 miles 2002 C320 Wagon 122,000 miles 2016 AMG GTS 12,000 miles
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#105
08-26-2010, 11:46 AM
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a
drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?""No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
__________________
1992 300D 2.5T 1980 Euro 300D (sadly, sold) 1998 Jetta TDI, 132K "Rudy" 1974 Triumph TR6 1999 Saab 9-5 wagon (wife's)
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