joke thread

A long read but worth it!

There was a red haired lady who was a huge country western music fan. Her two favorite singers were Johnny Paycheck and Waylon Jennings. Being such a huge fan she decided to immortilize them by having their faces tattooed on her inner thighs, one on each inner thigh.

She had never been tattooed before and wanted to make sure the faces looked just right. The tattoo man told her if she did not like the tattoos she would not have to pay for them. After several hours and much pain she looked in the mirror. Much to her surprise she could not recognize either of her favorite singers portraits. After arguing with the tattoo artist, who claims they are a spitting image of the singers, she refuses to pay.

The disgruntled tattoo artist says he will make a deal with her. He will grab the first person walking up the street and ask them to identify the faces on her inner thighs. It just so happens the town drunk is walking up the sidewalk. Grabbing the wino he brings him in the shop where the lady is sitting open legged in a chair without her pants on. The drunk leans over and the tattoo artist asks who he sees. "well.....I don't know who that is on the left, or who that is on the right........but that one in the middle is Willie Nelson!

What time is bedtime at Michael Jacksons house? When the big hand is on the little hand!

A young man was dating three women and had decided it was time to marry and had to make a decision between the three. He decided to give them a little test. He gave each woman a gift of $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.

The first woman did a total makeover. She went to a fancy beautysalon for a totally new look, got her hair done, new make up and bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more attractive for him because sheloved him so much. The man was touched and impressed with her devotion to him.

The second woman went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some beautiful expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much. Again, the man was touched and impressed.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and earned several times the original $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remaining in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him somuch. Obviously, the man was again touched and impressed.

The man was faced with a difficult decision. He thought a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her and how much each one loved him. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this
all down.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two
ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Wodnek]

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue.

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing”.

Q. How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party?
A. There are a bunch of tricycles in front of his house.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the Detroit Tigers have in common?
A: They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off!

Q. What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
A. Michael Jackson has had more noses.

Q. When is it bed time at Michael Jackson’s house?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand!

Q. What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common?
A. They both ride three year olds.

Q. What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A. I believe you’re in my son.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A. Two 5 year olds.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson decide to have a boy of his own?
A. Because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 million a pop!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 44 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

Q: How do you neuter Michael Jackson?
A: Give him spiked gloves and tell him to sing a song!

Q. Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men?
A. He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!

Q. How did Michael Jackson get in trouble?
A. He was feeling a little Randy.

Q. Why does Michael Jackson like children so much?
A. He knows how they feel.

Q. What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug
rehab?
A. You know, I feel like a new boy!

Q. How do we know Michael Jackson is guilty?
A. Several children have fingered him.

Q. Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
A. Boys 'R Us.

Q. Why is Michael Jackson so tough?
A. He can lick any kid on the block.

Michael Jackson was on a ship with 100 cub scouts when it hit an iceberg and
started to sink. The captain announced, "We're sinking! Everyone abandon ship!"
Michael Jackson asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied, "Screw the children!"
Michael Jackson looked around eagerly and said, "Do we have time?"

Michael Jackson asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have
sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years
old.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more
allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make
him a priest.

[MTI]

After a Brewmeister Convention in Munich, all the chairmen of the world's brewerys decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender pulls out a bottle and gives it to him.

Then Anheiser-Busch's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with pure Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

DEFINITIONS:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

[aklim]

Concerning Michael Jackson: Only in American can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white man and play with young boys.

[Wodnek]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE (or PMS) does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . . .

I'm sorry. What was the question?

[A264172]

A man in a confessional booth speaking to a priest:

Man- I have been married for 40 years, I have 5 children and 8 grandchildren. I’ve recently started taking Viagra and the other day I stooped in a bar to have a drink. In the bar I met two 19 year old girls, and to make a long story short, they took me home and I ended up having sex with both of them for 4 hours.

Priest- When was your last confession my son?

Man- I’ve never been to confession father I’m Jewish.

Priest- Then why are you telling me this?

Man- Are you kidding I’m telling everyone.

[cmac2012]

Years ago, I thought making guitars would be like, a really cool thing to do, man. It was and it wasn't. Anyway, some used the word "luthier" for guitar maker - French for lute maker.

A luthier won 2.7 million pounds in the English lottery. When asked what he was going to do he said, "Oh, I'm just going to keep making guitars til it runs out."

How do you get a luthier off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

What's the rarest question in the English language?
Is that the luthier's Ferrari?

What's the difference between an onion and a banjo?
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola makes a bigger fire.

Two guitar players were having an argument on which one would hit the ground first, if you dropped a banjo and an accordion off of a 10 story building. So they tried it. One guy says, "Did you see which one hit first?" The other guy says, "No. Let's get two more and try it again."

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine to say, "I could'a done that...."

[cmac2012]

An' I don' get no respec'. I call my wife the other day, I say "Honey, I can't quit thinking about the last time we made love." She says, "Wait a minute....who is this?!"

So I tell my friend Al, my wife cut me down to once a week. He says don't feel too bad, she cut me down to once a month.

[cmac2012]

A guy was bragging to a new acquaintance about his ranch. He said, "Hay - ell, I can drive in my truck from sun-up to sun-down and not see the end of my ranch."

The other guy says, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once..."

[Brian Carlton]

A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy named Vinny from New York. "I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker," the foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into a dispute. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains? Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit..."

"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time use the number 99." Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy." The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree'n dirty tree-dat's 99."

The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100." Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go, Mac, a hunnert." The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that represents 100!" New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the trees. "A little doggie comes along and thakes a dump on each a dem trees, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an'a turd - which makes one hundred.

Bada boom , bada bing. When do I freakin' start?"

[mzsmbs]

"Based on your conclusions, I will follow your recommendation that the inquiry by the state be closed," Bush said in a two-sentence letter.