joke thread

[cmac2012]

I dunno Tom, I'm part Irish and part Svedish and I love me a good Pat and Mike or Sven and Olie joke.

This one was pretty good:

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"



Inappropriate ethnic humor tw

[aklim]

Money
It can buy you a House,
But not a Home.

It can buy you a Bed,
But not Sleep.

It can buy you a Clock,
But not Time.

It can buy you a Book,
But not Knowledge.

It can buy you a Position,
But not Respect.

It can buy you Medicine,
But not Health.

It can buy you Blood,
But not Life.

It can buy you Sex,
But not Love.

So you see, money isn't everything. The best things in life can't be bought, and often we destroy ourselves trying!

I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your needless pain and suffering...

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

A truer Friend than me you will never find.

CASH ONLY, PLEASE

[padrino]

Two rabbits and a hedgehog standing on the roadside. The Hedgehog says I'm too scared to cross cos I'll get splattered! Rabbit one says naaa, all you have to do is walk into the road, wait for a car then when one comes just make sure you are in the centre of the headlights and the car will pass over you without a scratch.

I'm not convinced said hedgehog!!! So rabbit two says I'll show you.

He runs into the road, a car comes and he positions himself in the middle of the headlights. The car passes over him without a scratch. Okay!! says hedgehog, I'll take your word for it and try it myself. Hedgehog walks straight out into the middle of the road and gets SPLATTERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rabbit one looks at rabbit two and says BUGGER!!!!!!!!!!!! Trust a Reliant Robin to come along!

[Daman858]

A young couple meet in heaven and go to St. Peter and ask if they can get married.

"Come back in six months." says St. Pete
"Six MONTHS?" ask the anxious couple.
"Yeah, six months!" says the aggravated St. Peter

So six months later the young couple have a beautiful wedding and all is good for a while but things start to go bad and they decide they should get a divorce.

They go to St. Peter once again. "We're not really made for each other and we would like to get a divorce", they tell him.

"Gawd almighty!!!" yells St. Peter. "It took me six months to find a preacher up here and now you want me to find some LAWYERS????"

[alamostation]

Since someone said they like a good Pat and Mike joke, here goes. This joke to be told well needs to be visual, so I will insert the appropriate gestures.

Pat and Mike are digging a ditch (use shovel motions) while their boss watches them drinking beer (make a drinking motion). Pat says to Mike "why are we digging while the boss is up there drinking beer?" (spread arms as if asking a question)

Mike says "I don't know (scratch your head), I'll go ask the boss." Mike goes up to the boss (act as if climbing out of a ditch) and says "why are we digging in the ditch while you get to drink cold beer?" (spread arms as if asking a question)

The boss says "it's intelligence." (point to your head) Mike asks "what is intelligence?" (spread arms as if asking a question) The boss says "I can't explain it, but I'll show you." (point a finger in the air at chest level) The boss puts his hand on a brick wall and says to Mike "hit my hand as hard as you can." (put your hand on a wall) Mike winds up and gives it his best shot. The boss pulls his hand out of the way (pull your hand out of the way) Mike hits the wall as hard as he can and hurts his hand. (shake your hand as if it hurts like Hell)

The boss says "Mike, that is intelligence, I have it, you don't."

Mike goes back to the ditch and tells Pat "It's intelligece." Pat asks "What is intelligence?" Mike says "I can't explain it but I will show you." Mike puts his hand in front of his face (put your hand in front of you face) and says "Hit my hand as hard as you can."

[aklim]

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"

[aklim]

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

[aklim]

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

- In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark because Noah built the ark, which the animals came to in pears.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

- Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

- Samson slew the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

- Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten commendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery".

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

[aklim]

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in.)

- Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

- Then the three Wise Guys from the east arrived and found Jesus in the manager.

- Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

- St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says do one to others before they do one to you.

- He also explained that "Man does not live by sweat alone".

- It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

- The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibles.

- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

- One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached the holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

- A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

[aklim]

Little Susie comes home from primary school and her Mom greets her at the door and helps Susie take her coat off. Susie seems excited and tells her Mom, "I learned where babies come from today!" Her Mom was curious to know more and said, "Well tell me Susie, where do babies come from?" Susie responded by saying, "Well, first the Mom and Dad kiss." The Mom says, "And that is where babies come from?" To which Susie looks at her Mom and says, "No. Then the Mom and Dad take off all their clothes." Mom says, "And that is where babies come from?" And Susie looks and frowns at her Mom and says, "No! Then the Mom goes down on her knees in front of Daddy and That is where babies come from." Mom chuckles, pats Susie on her head and replies, "Oh my child, that is not where babies come from...that is where jewelry comes from!"

[aklim]

A quite boozy dentist sits in his practice on a Christmas Eve. There rushes an older woman into his cabinet, moaning: "O! My tooth hurts like hell! Pull it out, son!" "I am a bit boozy," the dentist argues. "I might get a wrong tooth. You better come after the Christmas." "Take it off, now! I'll pay you! I cannot stand it anymore!" So the doctor gets down to it. Puts the old woman into his chair, tells her to open her mouth, puts the pincers into her mouth and... The old lady screams, leaps up and rushes out of the cabinet. After a couple of days a well-suited businessman walks into the same dentist's practice and asks: "Doctor, did you pull out a tooth of and old lady on the Christmas Eve?" "Yes, I did," the dentist says, wondering if he's in trouble now... "Well, here is 50 000 dollars and the keys of a SUV," the businessman says. "For what is that?" the doctor asks. "That woman was my mother-in-law. And you pulled out not the tooth but her tongue."

[aklim]

This lady called up the police station and says: "I want to bring a charge of sexual harassment against my boss." The policeman who answered call asked: "What's the problem?" The lady replied:"Every morning when I get to work my boss walks up to me and says: "Your hair smells nice." The policeman says: " This isn't sexual harassment, this is a compliment." The lady says to the policeman: "Sir, you don't understand. My boss is a midget."

[aklim]

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

[aklim]

An elderly woman living in a nursing home was telling the other woman that shared her room that she had been trying to get the attention of one of male residents that lived down the hall and how everything she tried had failed.
Then one evening she noticed that the man down the hall and one other resident were in the TV room watching football. During halftime, she noticed that a streaker went running across the football field. This gave her an idea.
She went to her room, took off all her clothes, put on her robe and went to the TV room. When she got up her nerve, she took her robe off and ran across the room, in front of the TV and headed towards the door. As she ran out the door, she heard she heard: "Who was that?" "I don't know, but whoever it was they need to iron their clothes!"

[layback40]

You might have to think twice about these. Any reference to any race/gender/religion/sex has been removed. Hope that keeps every one happy.

A ###### hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip

Of their index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency

Room doctor asked them.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the ###### replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting

Off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the ##### said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &

Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00

To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a

Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the

Trigger.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A ####### was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad

Hailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day they took it

To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that they were a #######, so he

Decided to have some fun... He told them to go home and blow into the

Tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the ###### went home, got down on their hands & knees & started

Blowing into their tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So they blew a little

Harder, & still nothing happened.

Their ###### roommate saw them & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first

###### told them how the repairman had instructed them to blow into the

Tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled their eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!

You need to roll up the windows first.'

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!



A ###### was shopping at Target &

came across a shiny silver Thermos.

They were quite fascinated by it, so they picked it up & took

It to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....

It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the ######, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'

So they Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on their desk.

'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold things

Cold,' they replied..

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The ####### replied.....

'Two popsicles &some coffee.'

+++++++++++++

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A ###### goes into work one morning crying their eyes out.

Their boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'

The ##### replies,

'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that

My mother had passed away.'

The boss, feeling sorry for them, says,

'Why don't you go home for the

Day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'

'Thanks, but I'd be better off here.

I need to keep my mind off it &

I have the best chance of doing that here.'

The boss agrees & allows the ###### to work as usual.

A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the ######.

He looks out from his office & sees the ###### crying hysterically...

'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.

'No!' exclaims the ########.

'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

Now if that offends any one then they are just placing their own interpretation on it.