joke thread

[Delibes]

A burglar took $453 from a local theater a few days ago.
He stole a large popcorn, a three-musketeers and a Coke.

[layback40]

Gotta' Love the Aussies.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.
Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless Australia

[layback40]

Deleted as double post

[Mike D]

It appears the latest joke is tied in with the "boomerang" joke you already posted!

[layback40]

Originally Posted by Mike D

It appears the latest joke is tied in with the "boomerang" joke you already posted!

Good to see you are on the ball Mike !

[layback40]

Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

Gotta' Love the Aussies.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.
Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless Australia

No I don't.

[Since66]

Two psychiatrists are out riding their bikes.

One of them falls, and hurts himself badly, bruises and blood all over the place.

And what was the other one's response?

"Do you want to talk about it ?"

[layback40]

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke

with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.

"No way! No needles, I hate needles!" the guy said.

So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas

and the man objects again. "I can't do the gas thing either.

The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!"

She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection,"¯ the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."¯

When she returns she says, "Here's a Viagra and a glass of water."

The guy says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" she said, "But it'll give you something to hold on to while

I pull your tooth out...........

[layback40]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your @rse and go as a toffee apple.

[layback40]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your @rse and go as a toffee apple.

[layback40]

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!


An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[layback40]

Husband Throwing Darts at His Wife's Photo,
and not even a Single One Hitting the Target...
From another room Wife called the Husband:
Honey What Are You Doing?
Husband: "MISSING YOU"...





THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to and touched often.
But push the wrong button and you're disconnected.......






Difference Between Complete & Finish...
People say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED.
But there is... When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!







Romantic...SMS She sends the following message:
My love if you're sleeping, send me your dreams
If you're smiling, send me your smile
If you're crying, send me your tears
I love you ...
He Replied: I'm in the toilet. What do I send?







There are 3 kinds of men in the world:
Some remain single & make wonders happen,
Some have girlfriends & see wonders happen,
The rest get married & wonder what happened!?




The A B C..
After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.... I, J, K."
She asks...... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.
She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.........







At the Legal Hearing
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honour,
I want to divorce my husband."
"But why?" asked the judge. She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."






At a Cocktail Party
One man said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong woman."







Every Wife is a "Mistress" for her Husband.
"Miss" for one hour & "Stress" for the remaining 23 hours!





There are 2 times when a Man doesn't understand a Woman.
Before Marriage and After Marriage.






My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, and I didnt!!!!!

[Since66]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but
then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith" ...

[layback40]

> Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.
> Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone
> under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......
>
> The waiting room was filled with patients.
>
> As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist
> was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
> I gave her my name.
>
> In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME
> HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
>
> All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look
> at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly,
> and in an equally loud voice replied,
>
> 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT
> THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
>
> The room erupted in applause!
>
>
> DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS