joke thread

[layback40]

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down
The avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young
Lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked,
"I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned
Around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his
Companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She
Demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other
$125 I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on
These grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his
Presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit.

He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such
Grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as
Follows:

"Your honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a
Garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she
Agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum
Of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively
For the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises,
He paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not
Excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted
Against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed and amused
By the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was
Somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose
To the occasion!

'Your honour," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of
Property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of
Pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well
On the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and
Erected a pump, all labour performed personally by him. We claim these
Improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount,
And that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said
Property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honour, my client agrees that the
Defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not
Known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also,
Upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out
The shaft, and took the pump with him.

In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but
Left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the
Property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be
Granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance
$125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current
Location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a cheque immediately.

[Since66]

The exasperated lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the community pool.

“Everyone knows,” the mother lectured him, “that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.”

“Oh really?” said the lifeguard, “from the diving board?”

[conniety]

I beseech y'all for apolitical stuff, please.... even if it might be funny.

[layback40]

Frozen Crabs & the Blond Stewardess

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up.....so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[Mistress]

What goes, blond brunette, blond, brunette, blond, brunette.?







wait for it........


a blond doing backflips.

[Mistress]

What's a happy Roman? Hey do these jokes have to be clean it didn't say so in the instructions?

[Since66]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened?
You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I’m feelin’ fine!"

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, dere we was in a battle and I got hit wit a cannon
ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, o.k., but what about that hook? What happened
to your hand?"

"We were in anudder battle. I boarded a ship and got
into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted
wit’ a ‘ook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of dem birds flew over.
I looked up and one of them **** in me eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an
eye just from some bird ****."

"It was me first day wit’ da 'ook."

~ ~ ~

[layback40]

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.

"Son, where were you today?"
His son says "at school dad."
Robot slaps the son!

"Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the son says
"What dvd?" asks the father
"Toy story."
Robot slaps the son again!

"Ok, it was a porno" cries the son.
"What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son."

Robot slaps the mom!
Awkward Silence

[layback40]

One for all the Grandads





Never Lose Your Grandson!


A small grandson got lost at the shopping centre.
The little boy approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my granddad!"

The guard asked: "What's he like?"
The little bloke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Rum and Coke and Sheila's with big tits."

[layback40]

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then he made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...

[layback40]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor.
I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.


Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your @ss-hole before prison.................

--

[layback40]

Dear Optimist, Pessimist & Realist.
While you guys were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it !!
Yours Sincerely,
The Opportunist.

[layback40]

THE RAISE

Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss:
Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?

Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss:
Yes.

Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.

I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,

But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..

Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,

I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time..

How does that sound?

Employee:
Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss:
Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee:
Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

[MTI]

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break

1st surgeon says: Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

2nd surgeon says: Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

3rd surgeon says: Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is color coded.

4th surgeon says: I prefer lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are swapable.

The 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says: I like British car restorers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.

[ah-kay]

The ratio between ingested food and the resulting stool - SciForums.com