joke thread

[layback40]

Did you hear about the Australian who received a new boomerang for his birthday? He spent a week trying to throw the old one away.

[layback40]

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

[Angel]

I'm from Ohio.

Becoming an astronaut isnt easy (physical conditioning, flight school, astronaut selection process, politics...)

This just tells me that few other states make people good enough to become astronauts

-John

[Daman858]

A young man, who is a Jehovah's Witness, knocked on a door. A middle age man answered to door.

The young man said to him "I am a Jehovah's Witness and......."

"Well, come on in and sit down!" interrupted the home owner. "Now, what would you like to talk about?"

"Hell if I know" said the Witness "I never got this far before!"

[Delibes]

A burglar took $453 from a local theater a few days ago.
He stole a large popcorn, a three-musketeers and a Coke.

[layback40]

Gotta' Love the Aussies.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.
Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless Australia

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

Gotta' Love the Aussies.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.
Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Muslims.

God Bless Australia

No I don't.

[Since66]

Two psychiatrists are out riding their bikes.

One of them falls, and hurts himself badly, bruises and blood all over the place.

And what was the other one's response?

"Do you want to talk about it ?"

[layback40]

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the bloke

with the toothache an anaesthetic injection.

"No way! No needles, I hate needles!" the guy said.

So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas

and the man objects again. "I can't do the gas thing either.

The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!"

She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection,"¯ the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."¯

When she returns she says, "Here's a Viagra and a glass of water."

The guy says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" she said, "But it'll give you something to hold on to while

I pull your tooth out...........

[layback40]

Deleted as double post

[Mike D]

It appears the latest joke is tied in with the "boomerang" joke you already posted!

[layback40]

Originally Posted by Mike D

It appears the latest joke is tied in with the "boomerang" joke you already posted!

Good to see you are on the ball Mike !

[layback40]

Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theater – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

The Starbucks Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.

[layback40]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your @rse and go as a toffee apple.

[layback40]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your @rse and go as a toffee apple.