joke thread

[layback40]

Originally Posted by The Clk Man

My number said Babara Walters, I hate that lady.

Guess what Clk ? she is not on the list & you cant count !!!




HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE ANDTHINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO


COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ...

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! ' HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1980. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

B@STARD ASKED....

'WHAT DIDYOU TEACH?'

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

Guess what Clk ? she is not on the list & you cant count !!!

So what else is new.

[layback40]

Originally Posted by The Clk Man

So what else is new.

Water is wet ??

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

Water is wet ??

Farts are dry?? except on Mexican food night.

[layback40]

The Greek Bailout - explained simply




It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a E100 note on the desk,
telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the E100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the E100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the E100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the E100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the ¤100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the E100 note back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the E100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything.
No one earned anything.
However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works

[layback40]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is standing outside the ladies' dressing room waiting for his mum to come out.


While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his mum comes out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.


"Get your Hand out of there!"she shouts.

"Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.

One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After an hour of making out on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

“What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"Hell no," he cries, "You've got teeth down there!”

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes, there are," he says, "my mum told me."

"No, there aren't," she insists.

"Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek "No, I'm sorry" he says.

"My mum already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries.

She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I
DON'T have any teeth down there."


The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

[layback40]

'Star Trek'?







The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian,

Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it's set in the future".

[layback40]

Santa' FAA exam

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got out his logbook and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.


"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.



The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff.
__________________

[Pavka007]

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


And remember:

Don't make old people mad.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

[chilcutt]

Originally Posted by layback40

'Star Trek'?







The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President.

They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian,

Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.

My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it's set in the future".

How are you getting away with posting this sort of rubbish? Seems you are on a roll, and have posted thusly in about 3 other threads.

Saying that in the future there will be no Arabs/Muslims (even in joke form) says that you believe in genocide..which is in extremely poor taste, and also offensive..maybee time to put the brakes on this Layback.

[layback40]

Originally Posted by chilcutt

How are you getting away with posting this sort of rubbish? Seems you are on a roll, and have posted thusly in about 3 other threads.

Saying that in the future there will be no Arabs/Muslims (even in joke form) says that you believe in genocide..which is in extremely poor taste, and also offensive..maybee time to put the brakes on this Layback.

Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year !!



I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following;

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all .

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2012, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great ( not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country ) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee .

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms :

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .


Best Regards ( without prejudice )


Name withheld ( Privacy Act ).

[layback40]

There was an Aussie / Scottish painter named Smokey MacDavishor who was very interested in making a dollar where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.






As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.









Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me, what shall I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..




(you're going to love this)








"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[jgranzier]

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".



The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded: Where the hell are you?

Husband: Darling you remember that Jewelry shop where you saw the Diamond Necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said Baby it'll be yours one day.


Wife, with a smile blushing: Yes, I remember that my Love.

Husband: Well, I'm in the Bar next to that shop.

[layback40]

Originally Posted by layback40

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!).

__________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not .......... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ........
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere where significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.





please contact us immediately by email at Postmaster@fwuk.fwc.com.

..........

[layback40]

Places I have and have not been








I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.







I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.







I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. And especially my children!







I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.







I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.







I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.







Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.







One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!










Sometimes I think I am in Vincible but life shows me I am not!







And, I have been in Deep**** many times; the older I get, the easier it is to get there. And the harder it is to get out!