joke thread

[kip Foss]

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.

The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.

The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.

(via It Occurred to Me)

[Since66]

Man comes running up to St John's Cathedral and breathlessly asks a parishoner who is leaving.

"is mass out, is mass out?" He gasps.

"No", the other replies, "....but your hat's on crooked"

[kip Foss]

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.

The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.

The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.

[layback40]

IS HE A GENTLEMAN????



Last weekend a golfer in our group hit his ball into a yard next to the green on the 2nd hole at the Mashes. As he goes to retrieve it with his long pole, a man in the yard says

"Don't you see the sign? It says, Private property - stay out!"

The golfer says "I am sorry I didn't see it, but I missed my shot and the ball landed in your yard.

May I have it back?" The man says "It's in my yard and so it is my ball now.."

The golfer looks at the man and says "I understand."

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets a golf ball and walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says "What is that for?"

The golfer replies "I consider myself a gentleman and I believe every prick should have two balls."

[layback40]

This will give you a laugh.
> >
> >READ FROM TOP TO BOTTOM:-----
> >
> >
> >
> >FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> >TO: All Employees
> >
> >DATE: October 01, 2011
> >
> >RE: Christmas Party
> >
> >
> >
> >I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
> >December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
> >House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
> >band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
> >surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
> >be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
> >time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
> >easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO
> >will make a special announcement at that time!
> >
> >Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> >
> >Patty
> >
> >
> >
> >FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> >TO: All Employees
> >
> >DATE: October 02, 2011
> >
> >RE: Holiday Party
> >
> >
> >
> >In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
> >We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
> >with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
> >we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
> >employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation
> >Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We
> >will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
> >
> >Happy now?
> >
> >Happy Holidays to you and your family.
> >
> >Patty
> >
> >
> >
> >FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> >TO: All Employees
> >
> >DATE: October 03, 2011
> >
> >RE: Holiday Party
> >
> >
> >
> >Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> >requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
> >accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
> >Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
> >
> >Somebody?
> >
> >Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
> >union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
> >$10.00 is a little chintzy.
> >
> >NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
> >
> >
> >
> > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> >To: All Employees
> >
> >DATE: October 04, 2011
> >
> >RE: Holiday Party
> >
> >
> >
> >What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
> >Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
> >daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
> >luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
> >beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
> >the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in
> >little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
> >members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
> >pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are
> >allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men,
> >each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for
> >the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
> >cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.
> >Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the
> >salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure
> >to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
> >restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
> >
> >Did I miss anything?!?!?
> >
> >Patty
> >
> >
> >
> >FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> >TO: All ******* Employees
> >
> >DATE: October 05, 2011
> >
> >RE: The ******* Holiday Party
> >
> >
> >
> >Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
> >party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
> >at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
> >and you'll get your ******* salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
> >know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
> >heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a
> >rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
> >
> >DATE: October 06, 2011
> >
> >RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
> >
> >
> >
> >I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
> >I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has
> >decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the
> >23rd off with full pay.
> >
> >
> >
> >Happy Holidays!

[layback40]

This will give you a laugh.
> >
> >READ FROM TOP TO BOTTOM:-----
> >
> >
> >
> >FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> >TO: All Employees
> >
> >DATE: October 01, 2011
> >
> >RE: Christmas Party
> >
> >
> >
> >I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
> >December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
> >House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
> >band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be
> >surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
> >be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
> >time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
> >easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO
> >will make a special announcement at that time!
> >
> >Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> >
> >Patty
> >
> >
> >
> >FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> >TO: All Employees
> >
> >DATE: October 02, 2011
> >
> >RE: Holiday Party
> >
> >
> >
> >In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
> >We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
> >with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
> >we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
> >employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation
> >Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We
> >will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
> >
> >Happy now?
> >
> >Happy Holidays to you and your family.
> >
> >Patty
> >
> >
> >
> >FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> >TO: All Employees
> >
> >DATE: October 03, 2011
> >
> >RE: Holiday Party
> >
> >
> >
> >Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> >requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
> >accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
> >Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
> >
> >Somebody?
> >
> >Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the
> >union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe
> >$10.00 is a little chintzy.
> >
> >NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
> >
> >
> >
> > FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> >To: All Employees
> >
> >DATE: October 04, 2011
> >
> >RE: Holiday Party
> >
> >
> >
> >What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
> >Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
> >daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
> >luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
> >beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
> >the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in
> >little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for
> >members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
> >pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are
> >allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men,
> >each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for
> >the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no
> >cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people.
> >Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the
> >salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure
> >to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
> >restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
> >
> >Did I miss anything?!?!?
> >
> >Patty
> >
> >
> >
> >FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >
> >TO: All ******* Employees
> >
> >DATE: October 05, 2011
> >
> >RE: The ******* Holiday Party
> >
> >
> >
> >Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this
> >party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
> >at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
> >and you'll get your ******* salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
> >know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
> >heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a
> >rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The ***** from HELL!!!!!!!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
> >
> >DATE: October 06, 2011
> >
> >RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
> >
> >
> >
> >I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
> >I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has
> >decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the
> >23rd off with full pay.
> >
> >
> >
> >Happy Holidays!

[mgburg]

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T. AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: “Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife, occasionally.”

GOV’T. AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”

[mgburg]

THE
AMAZING
HUMAN BODY

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[mgburg]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly Offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the...next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the Collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said.

"Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in
Las Vegas and one in Reno."

[mgburg]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither.

Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

QUOTE FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?' Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine. ...Then I piss on a photo of Obama! I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.

[layback40]

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate, "That's us in ten years."

He said, " That's a mirror, you idiot "

[mgburg]

~ AVIATION 101 ~


- Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

- If GOD meant for man to fly, HE'd have given him more money.

- If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get small. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back - then they get bigger again.)

- Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

- It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

- The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane - its sole purpose is to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

- Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

- It's always best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible. And 99.999999999% of the time forward is still never enough.

- The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

- Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man ... Landing is the first.

- Everyone already knows that the definition of a "good landing" is one from which you can walk away from. But very few know the definition of a "great landing." That's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

- Always remember; you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.

- Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to 5 minutes earlier.

- You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

- Those who hoot with the owls by night should not fly with the eagles by day.

- A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the Earth immediately repels them.

- Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. Besides ... some are ugly enough to be sure to kill you so you can't learn.

- Trust your captain ... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

- Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports, he can be sold Niagra Falls.

~ Authors unknown, but copying is encouraged. ~

[layback40]

No nativity this Christmas at the White House.


There will be no Nativity Scene at the White House this year!


The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene at the White House this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the White House.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

[layback40]

Who is Your Role Model for 2012?

This is fun. I promise you WILL laugh when you find the identity of your role model.

NO CHEATING! I was really surprised to find out the name of my role model. Don't scroll down yet....

To find the identity of your personal role model, do the mathematics below...

Then scroll down to find your hero.

It is crazy how accurate this is!






NO PEEKING!


1.) Pick your favourite number between 1 - 9

2.) Multiply by 3

3.) Add 3

4.) Then again multiply by 3... I'll wait if you need a calculator

5.) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number

6.) Add the digits together


NOW SCROLL DOWN






And with that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:


1. Einstein

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. Snoopy

4. Bill Clinton

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Barack Obama

8. Eddie King




9.layback40



Iknow, I know.... It’s my happy go lucky attitude to life. I just have that special effect on people. Wherever you go, have a smile on your face.


P..S. Stop picking different numbers!!

I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!

[The Clk Man]

My number said Babara Walters, I hate that lady.