When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one hand
free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys
inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)

When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your
nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Insurance So Sorry Law)

When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten
to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't
followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's
probably because you have not realized the seriousness of
the problem. (Law of Gravitas)

Most problems are not created or solved; they only change
appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs
up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)

Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you've been
waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your
time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of
Wasteland)

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is
exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law
of Pi Eyed)

The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is
directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of
Campbell Scoop)

Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the
phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now)

Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the
doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong)

Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of
one's hairdo. (The Don King Principle)

After discarding something not used for years, you will need
it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)

Arriving early for an appointment will cause the
receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone
else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you
won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)

Received from WITandWISDOM.

--

this one is only for the right kind of people... and diesel owners will especially appriciate it.

there was a man looking at cars at the used car dealer. the man sees a diesel mercedes in the distance. so he walks over, and starts reading over the stats. it reads

year: 1978
make: 240D
miles per gallon: 30
transmission: manual
0-60: yes

__________________
my name is rachelle and i have aquired a '75 240D. i received the car shortly after my grandfather's passing away. it was one of many of his mercedes. it has been a great car, and has taught me a ton.

never take life too seriously...

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to
them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in
the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of
Chardonnay."

__________________
It is a truism that almost any sect, cult, or religion will legislate its creed into law if it acquires the political power to do so. Robert A. Heinlein


09 Jetta TDI
1985 300D

Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a
lot this year. (This happens when you combine a headstrong
two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young
adolescent.) Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of
her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the
two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it
when children fight. This had little impact.

"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the
mother said as she picked up the phone and dialed. Sarah's
eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus" (really
Sarah's aunt; Santa's real line was busy) if she could put
Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open as Mom
described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was
acting. But, when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her,
she reluctantly took the phone.

Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would
be no presents Christmas morning to children who fought with
their sisters. He would be watching, and he expected things
to be better from now on.

Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of
Santa's remarks and silently hung the phone up when he was
done. After a long moment, Mom (holding in her chuckles at
being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"

In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly
stated, "Santa said he won't be bringing toys to my sister
this year."

Received from Chris B.

A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a
store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the
street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new
preacher in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on
Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you
don't even know the way to the post office!"

Received from Andychap.

My sister went to the department store to check out the
bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up
soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the
gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young
to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."

Received from Andychap.

My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative
state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer!

Received from Thomas Leiner.

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the
Louvre. After carefully planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However,
he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of
gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied:

"Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van
Gogh."

(And you thought I lacked De Gaulle to send you a story like
this.)

Received from George Reisman.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr.
Common Sense.

Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for
sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago
lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the
early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies
(don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting
strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when
well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in
place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment
for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for
using mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for
reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required
to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student,
but could not inform the parents when a student became
pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten
Commandments became contraband, churches became businesses,
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed
to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, then she
spilled a bit in her lap and was awarded a huge financial
settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility;
and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My
Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was
gone.

Received from Tim Krell.

(With apologies to my personal physician... Of course this
doesn't apply to you! )

What the doctor says: "This should be taken care of right
away."
What the doctor is thinking: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii
next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want
to fix it before it cures itself.

What the doctor says: "Welllllll, what have we here?"
What the doctor is thinking: He has no idea and is hoping
you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history." -- I want to see if
you've paid your last bill before spending any more time
with you.

"We have some good news and some bad news." -- The good news
is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're
going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops." -- Maybe in a few days it will
grow into something that can be cured.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
-- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of
time. -- I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another
office visit.

"Let me schedule you for some tests." -- I have a forty
percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." -- I'm writing a paper
and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." -- I
don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound." -- I think I'm going
to throw up.

"This may hurt a little." -- Last week two patients bit off
their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we?" -- I'm
stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up." -- The drug company slipped me
some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal." -- Rats! I guess I can't
buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests." -- I can't figure out
what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"There is a lot of that going around." -- That's the third
one this week! I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." --
I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm
off next week.

Received from http://www.cleanfunny.com, a GCFL recommended link.

JUST CURIOUS

Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma
answered, "Thirty-nine and holding."

Johnny thought for a moment and then said, "And how old
would you be if you let go?"


THE TITHING

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the
ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came
near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy.
I'm under five."


THE BLESSING

The Sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do
you say prayers before eating?"

"No sir," he replied. "We don't have to. My mom is a good
cook!"

Received from Diana Morris.

My sister and I are close, and that allows us to be honest
with each other. One evening as I prepared for a date, I
remarked, "I'm fat."

"No, you're not," she scolded.

"My hair is awful," I said.

"It's lovely," she encouraged.

"I've never looked worse," I whined.

And she said, "Yes, you have."

Received from You Make Me Laugh.

--
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
-------------------------------------------------------------

One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge goes
down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.

"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news
is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the
Nile."

The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.

The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to
go water skiing."

Received from Pastor Tim.

--
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
---------------------------------------------------------

A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the
head hog at the trough there?"

The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor
as the head hog at the trough. That is very insulting."

"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a
local phase we use in the part of the country I come from.
The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your
building fund."

The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming
through the door right now."

Received from n2416c.

--
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
---------------------------------------------------------

I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank,
and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed
between his presenting the check and the arrival in my
account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,
to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become.

>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will
therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached
an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen
employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there
is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her
medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,
and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied
by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number
which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that
it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to
access my account balance on your phone bank service. As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending
to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at
home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access
my computer is required. A password will be communicated to
you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will
then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous,
New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98-year-old woman.)

Received from Frank.

--
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
-----------------------------------------------------------

A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a
bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make
that much as a doctor!"

The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."

Received from Pastor Tim.

--
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
----------------------------------------------------------

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS
about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of
$80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.
"I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the
place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know
how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said.
"It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for
you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you -
we also deliver."

Received from Phil N.

--
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php
-----------------------------------------------------------

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with
your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
'Now, you have everything.'"

Received from Frank.

--
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php

Tax his cow, tax his goat;
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his crop, tax his work;
Tax his ties, tax his shirt.
Tax his chew, tax his smoke;
Teach him taxing is no joke.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule;
Tell him, "Taxing is the rule."
Tax his oil, tax his gas;
Tax his notes, tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more;
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod 'neath which he's laid.
Put these words upon his tomb:
"Taxes drove him to his doom."
After he's gone, we won't relax;
We'll still collect inheritance tax.

Received from Lori Brown.

--
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php

All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and
you can too, provided you use them for business purposes.
For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a
business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your
house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief
Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision:
"Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
if it rains?"

-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"

Received from Daniel Galvin.

--
The latest GCFL funny can always be found on the web at
http://www.gcfl.net/latest.php