long joke but great
 

a hip young man goes out and buys the best car available:a 2004 mercedes slr. it is also the most expensive car in the world and cost him 500 thousand dollars. he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
an old man on a moped(looking about 80 years old) pulls up next to him. the old man looks over at the sleek,shiny car and ask ,what kind of car you have there sonny?
the young man replies, a 2004 mercedes slr. it cost a half a million dollars.
thats a lot of money says the old man, why does it cost so much?
because the car can do 320 miles per hour, states the young dude proudly.
the moped driver ask mind if i take a look inside?
no problem replies the owner.
so the old man pokes his head inside the window and looks around. then sitting back on his moped, the old man says thats a pretty nice car alright. but i'll stick with my moped.
just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do.he floors it and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 miles per hour. suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.it seems to be getting closer! he slows down to see what it can be and suddenly, whooosssshhhh
some thing whips by him, going much faster!!! what on earth could be going faster than my mercedes slr, the young man ask himself. then ahead of him he sees the dot comming toward him whoossshhh!!! it goes by again, headed in the opposite direction and it looks like the old man on the moped!! couldn't be, thinks the guy. how could a moped out run a mercedes slr? but again,he sees the dot in his rear view mirror!whoosshh,kablaammm. it plows in the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. the young man jumps out, and unbelievably, it is the old man!!! he runs up to the mangled old man and says,oh my god is there any thing i can do for you? the old man whispers in a lot of pain,unhook my suspender from your side view mirror
rich

A pink elephant walks into a bar. The bartender says "You're too early, he's not here yet."

My ex-wife and I used to argue a lot about sex and money. I thought she was charging me more than the other guys.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7-8-9.

RSVP's TO AN INVITATION TO THE SCIENTISTS' MILLENNIUM BALL
Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Darwin waited to see what evolved.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Diesel needes to smoke first.
Ampere was worried he wasn't current.
Dr Jekyll declined - he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Edison thought it could be illuminating.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
Hawking tried to string enough time together to make space in his schedule.
Heisenberg was uncertain that he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Morse's reply: "I'll be there on the dot, Can't stop now, must dash."
Newton planned to drop in.
Ohm resisted the idea.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco
Volta was electrified.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

Why does an elephant paint himself red?
Why?
So he can hide in a cherry tree.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
No.
See how effective it is.

Farming
 

There's this farmer. The State Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit that works about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him chewing tobacco," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.

The farmer says, "That would be me."

Police see a man acting suspiciously....follow him into a bar, has half a pint and a samwich.....come out jumps on a bus.....next stop gets off and goes into a bar....half a pint and a samwich, come out, jumps on the bus....This goes on most of the afternoon....police decide to stop him....

''We been following you all afternoon....youv'e been in 9 bars and had a small drink and a samwich....you don't seem to be breaking any laws, but we would like to know what your doing".....

Man says.." I'm self employed."....Policeman says..'So, what's that got to do with it ?''.....Man says..."I'm having a office party." :D

I heard about the cross-eyed teacher who couldn't keep her pupils under control.

Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
ans: If it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Never eat a TV dinner during a thunderstorm, I did once, lightning struck and the mashed potatoes went out.

Ok, I think this one is an ok joke, I changed the words around a little.

A husband and wife had been married 20 years. One night, the wife asked her husband "can we have relations with the lights on? We've always had relations with the lights off these past 20 years, lets try something different." The husband said "ok", and went to "work." "Wait a minute" says the wife, "explain this, why are you using this helper?" The husband told her "I'll explain the helper when you explain the kids."

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

Here in S.Texas it is about 8 to 10 beers.

A man is sitting in a sidewalk cafe watching 2 blond guys. One is digging a fairly sizable hole and the other comes behind him and fills it in. They go about 50 ft. down the street and do the same again. This goes on until they are nearly out of sight. The man in the cafe goes down to the blond guys and asks the 2 of them why they are digging holes and then filling them in.

The first guy says that he realizes that this must look pretty stupid but that this is their normal job. The guy asks how this can be any kind of normal job. The first blond tells him that there are usually 3 of them and that they work for the city garden department as a tree planting team only today the second man has called in sick.

You hear about the constipated mathemetician? He took a pencil and worked it out.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.

What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

String in the bar
 

A String attempted to enter the bar when the bouncer stopped him. "We don't allow Strings in this bar"; he said with authority. "Who can come in?" the String asked. "Anything but a String"; was the reply. The string hung his head and left but once outside had an idea. He darted into the restroom , frizzed up one of his ends, and tie himself up. Returning to the bar the bouncer stopped him again and said angrily; "Aren't you that same String that tried to get in a few minutes ago?"...."No!"; said the String; "I'm a FRAYED KNOT"!