joke thread

[layback40]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to cl ean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo’s arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shoot ing truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

[layback40]

Gynaecological Visit



A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's
nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard
a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of
pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there
were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.

"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were
50p's. This morning, there were �1 coins!"

"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out
of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's
nothing to be scared about," he said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ready for this?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm warning you......)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Still not too late......)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"You're simply going through the change!"

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

Gynaecological Visit



A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years. There's
nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange," the woman said.

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard
a plink-plink-plink in the toilet. When I looked down, the water was full of
pennies."

"I see," commented the doctor calmly.

"That afternoon, I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there
were 5p pieces in the bowl," the woman continued.

"That night," she went on, "I went again, and plink-plink-plink, there were
50p's. This morning, there were �1 coins!"

"You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored. "I'm scared out
of my wits!"

The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's
nothing to be scared about," he said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Ready for this?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I'm warning you......)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Still not too late......)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"You're simply going through the change!"

Booooo Boooooo, now that one was bad.

[aklim]

Originally Posted by The Clk Man

Booooo Boooooo, now that one was bad.

Never saw a stripper that can give you change for a buck that way or what? Talk about muscle control

[layback40]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that's how you wave a towel , you f***ing idiot

[Aquaticedge]

A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought
it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do
with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100
miles of here."

... He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and
asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his
bass boat",pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in
a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of
a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing."

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Arkansas
a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd
come out there and whip your ass

[Aquaticedge]

Too funny not to post! A mother is invited by her son, Anthony, for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. " So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mama, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Mama. ------ Moral: Never lie to your Mama

[aklim]

This 14-year-old boy from Kentucky was banging his 12-year-old sister. He says "Damn sis, you're almost as good as Mamma." She replies "Yeah that's what Pappa says."

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by aklim

This 14-year-old boy from Kentucky was banging his 12-year-old sister. He says "Damn sis, you're almost as good as Mamma." She replies "Yeah that's what Pappa says."

Your the 14-year-old boy aren't you? come on man let it all out.

[layback40]

Originally Posted by The Clk Man

Your the 14-year-old boy aren't you? come on man let it all out.

& are you the 12 year-old sister ??

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

& are you the 12 year-old sister ??

That was funny..... and NO I wasn't the 12 yo sister.

[mgburg]

Originally Posted by aklim

Never saw a stripper that can give you change for a buck that way or what? Talk about muscle control

Now, if she can open your beer AND give you change...YOU'VE GOT A SHOW!!!

[layback40]

Never under estimate a womans quick wit!

UNDERWEAR DUST

BEWARE OF THAT

UNDERWEAR DUST!


One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'Mary', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker, 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!

[layback40]

DIPLOMACY
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.



They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. All is going well.



Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.



The Queen turns to President Obama " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be Presidential replied "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses!�€�

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by layback40

DIPLOMACY
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.



They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. All is going well.



Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.



The Queen turns to President Obama " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be Presidential replied "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses!”

Ba ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, good one.