joke thread

[layback40]

Originally Posted by barry123400

When visiting a farm the farmers wife directed him to the barn to see her husband. As he approached the barn the farmer was just leaving it.
The farmer stopped and told him to not believe a word the animals say as they all lie.

How about a true one where I borrowed the line from our site.

I was at a cottage neighbours house and his wife was going on and on about the problems with her asthma and chest. I simply told her that
I was not a doctor but would have a look if she wished. She honestly nearly choked.

You never completed the story !!!

[layback40]

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence... He had no trouble with discipline that year.

[layback40]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat?s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

> 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet
> shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

GOOD DOG!

[kip Foss]

An ugly bloke is on his way home from the pub one night when he passes a level train crossing.

Suddenly, he spots a slim, big-boobed woman tied to the train tracks, so he rushes over to untie her.

He then takes her back to his place, where he makes love to her all night, unable to believe his luck.

The next day, he goes back to his local to tell the story.

"You're a lucky bastard," says the landlord. "So was she pretty, blonde, brunette? What exactly?"

"I don't know," he replies. "I didn't manage to find the head."

[mgburg]

Right after Superbowl XLV, a drunken Packer fan, Bear fan and Viking fan took a road-trip over to the Grand Canyon. When they got there, they all got out of the car and stood at the edge of a cliff, over-hanging the deepest gorge there was.

The Bear fan, feeling like his team had just the rottenest luck, told the other two that despite the way the season went, he was the BEST FAN his team, or any other team for that matter, could have. And with his alcohol-fuel logic, he screamed *And I'll show you other two how damn hard I mean it!!!!" With a mighty roar, he yelled "GO BEARS!!!!" and flung himself over the edge of the cliff and dashed himself at the bottom of the gorge.

Well...the Viking fan and Packer fan looked at each other...and the Packer fan, deciding HE wasn't going to be outdone by either that dead Bear fan or the Viking fan, ran backwards about 30 yards, then screaming at the top of his lungs, started running towards the edge of that cliff yelling "GOOOOOOOO PACKERSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!, then he hit the Viking fan and propelled HIM over the edge of the cliff.

MORAL:

You're only the best when there's no one left.

[layback40]

When that hot looking girl spills her drink !!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NB1xJL_LNg

[layback40]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..







An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'






Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'






An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'






Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'





A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'




Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'




Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'





One more. .. ..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[layback40]

Baby's First Doctor Visit
>

> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
> The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
>
>
> 'Breast-fed, ' she replied..
>
> ' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.
>
> She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
> breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
>
> Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this
> baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '
>
> I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma,
>
> But I'm glad I came'.
>

[Daman858]

During a recent password audit by Google,
it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said:
"Helloooo! It has to be at least 8 characters
long and include at least one capital."

[aklim]

Darth Vader Strikes Back



There's going to be an extra scene included in the DVD release of EMPIRE STRIKES BACK coming up next year! Basically, it expands on the scene where Vader reveals his fatherhood to Luke, and ties up some loose ends created with the release of Episode 1 & 2...

The Empire Strikes Back: Extra-Special Edition

INT: BESPIN GANTRY - MOMENTS LATER:

A furious lightsaber duel is underway. DARTH VADER is backing LUKE SKYWALKER towards the end of the gantry. A quick move by Vader, chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft. Luke backs away. He looks around, but realizes there's nowhere to go but straight down.

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!

Darth Vader: No... I am your father!

Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.

Darth Vader: Search your feelings... you know it to be true...

Luke: NO!

Darth Vader: Yes, it is true... and you know what else? You know that brass droid of yours?

Luke: Threepio?

Darth Vader: Yes... Threepio... I built him... when I was 7 years old...

Luke: No...

Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp...

Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!

Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!

Luke: Well, it's not my fault...

Darth Vader: Oh, here we go... "Poor me... my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday... boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith...waahhh wahhh!"

Luke: Shut up...

Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was your age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!

Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon.

Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor... 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open... Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer... right here, baby!

{Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.}

Darth Vader: I was wrong... You're not my kid... I don't know whose you are, but you sure ain't mine...

{Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, then plunges down the shaft.}

{Darth Vader looks after him.}

Darth Vader: Get a haircut!

[layback40]

Translated from an Australian version:


The Pope and President Obama are on the same stage at the White House in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards B. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that... with one little wave of your hand?

Show me!"


So the Pope backhanded the #######!

[Daman858]

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram,
and Max, invented and developed the first automobile
air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in
Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to
the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was
about 102 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and
cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back
to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the
patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2
million, but they wanted the recognition by having a
label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard
of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-
Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the
Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and
finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first
names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

[kknudson]

Barack Obama met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice presidential choice the same question.

"Joe, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer.

Finally, Biden ran into Sarah Palin out dining one night. Biden asked, "Sarah, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Sarah Palin answered right back, "Why, that's easy, Joe. It's me!"

Biden smiled, and said, "Thanks!"

Then, he went back to speak with Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Sarah Palin!"

Obama eyeballed his vice president up and down, fuming, frowning hard and finally shouting angrily, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

AND THAT'S PRETTY MUCH EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IN WASHINGTON , D.C.

[Daman858]

Now that's funny, right there, I don't care who ya are!

[mgburg]

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.