joke thread

[layback40]

New Words for 2011

* TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, cr@ps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person..

* AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the cr@p out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. Extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female.

* PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

[layback40]

This boy is as quick as a flash!!!


A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working
in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of
lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the
matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was
standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are
you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players
there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

[layback40]

better manners than you would see at Maccas

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=EVwlMVYqMu4&vq=medium#t=125

[layback40]

Fur lined gloves





A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.



They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland ....



Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note.... not too romantic and not too personal.



Off he went with his sister to Harrod's and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.



Harrod's had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers..



Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.





Dear Maggie,



I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).



These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.



I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean... In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.



I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.



When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.



Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.



I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.



All my love,



Chris

[Rafi]

common don't keep us hanging, what was Maggie's response

[layback40]

Originally Posted by Rafi

common don't keep us hanging, what was Maggie's response

[Daman858]

A West Virgina boy got married and went off on his honeymoon. The next day he showed up on the front porch. His Pa says "What's wrong, son?"
The boy says "Well, Pa, I found out my new wife is a virgin so's I come home."
Pa says, "You done the right thing, boy, if she ain't good enough for her family, she ain't good enough for ours!"

[aklim]

And in that light

[kip Foss]

Two young businessmen in Nevada were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute some senile senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you sellin’ here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well. Only two left.”

Seniors — don’t mess with them, They didn’t get old by being stupid!

[layback40]

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley





On the farm lived a chicken and a horse,
both of whom loved to play together.



One day the two were playing,
when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.



Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken
to go get the farmer for help!



Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.



Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer,
but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.



Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.



Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with
a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.



Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get
a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.



After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike,
the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of
the powerful bike, rescued the horse!



Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.



The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
Best Buddies, Best Pals.



A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon,
he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!



The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled
the large puddle.



Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.



The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life..



The moral of the story?



(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)



"When You're Hung Like A Horse,
You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."

[layback40]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"



The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

[layback40]

Stuttering

Over in the U.K., a very pretty young speech therapist
was getting nowhere with her
“Stammerers Action Group”.
She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said
"If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born
I will have wild and passionate s#x with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water.
So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better.
There'll be no s#x for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy s#x, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said


"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[aklim]

Originally Posted by layback40

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"



The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

A husband was feeling horny one night and asked the wife if she wanted to get it on.

Wife: I can't. I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to be "fresh"

Husband: Do you have a dentist appointment also?

[Since66]

It's been around before, but it's still funny:



A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Oklahoma .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes.

Suddenly, a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,


“I’ve heard enough of your stupid ass blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds, but women in general and all in the name of humor! “

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little **** on your knee!"

[barry123400]

When visiting a farm the farmers wife directed him to the barn to see her husband. As he approached the barn the farmer was just leaving it.
The farmer stopped and told him to not believe a word the animals say as they all lie.

How about a true one where I borrowed the line from our site.

I was at a cottage neighbours house and his wife was going on and on about the problems with her asthma and chest. I simply told her that
I was not a doctor but would have a look if she wished. She honestly nearly choked.