joke thread

[Since66]

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

[mgburg]

I apologize if you've seen/read some/all of these before...

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

________________________________

[Since66]

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.

She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"

"Yes," she answered.

"Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can if I take two," he answered.

[layback40]

A friend went to in Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English……….

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend.. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

[Since66]

We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately.

It was raining -- I couldn't play golf so I talked to my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a really nice person.

[Since66]

Overheard at the mall.


Teen 1: Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together??

Teen 2: OMg!

[Since66]

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its
top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed
to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a
ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of
bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape
measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one
feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and
laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she
gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their engineering
jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

[Delibes]

What does the "B" in "Benoit B. Mandelbrot" stand for?
...
Benoit B. Mandelbrot

[Delibes]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?' The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!' Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?' The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

[Since66]

OK, here’s one you haven’t heard:



In the greatest days of the British Empire , a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.


After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,

"You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."


Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst , joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get f_ _ _ed."

[Can't Know]

Where to meet for Dinner...

A group of 15-year-old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner.
It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could
ride their bikes there and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies,
lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group, now 25 years old, discussed where they
should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's
Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the
house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of
cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where
they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain
Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym
and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and
fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, now 65, the group once again discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, now 75, the group once again discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped
accessible.

Ten years later, now 85, the group once again discussed where they should
meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood
Grille because they had never been there before.

[PhantomCadillac]

To All,

Because I want to wish you all a happy and most importantly, a safe Holiday season, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, driving home from the occasional social gathering can have its limitations - especially during the Holidays. A couple of nights ago I was out for an evening with friends, and had a couple or ten drinks.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before. I took a cab home. And wouldn't you just know it - on the way home I passed a police road block, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident...........

which was a real surprise because I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.

Be careful out there and don't be afraid to take a cab.

[sloride]

New best selling bumper sticker: Run Hillary Run.

The liberals are affixing it to the rear bumper.
The conservatives are affixing it to the front bumper.

[Jim B.]

For those who are about to travel or have ever traveled!



Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude,

the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome

to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead

is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax,

and.........OH... MY GOD!"



Silence followed.



Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and

Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight

attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of

my pants!"



From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled........"For the luvva

Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!!"

[Aquaticedge]

hee hee hee page 69