joke thread

[Since66]

The genius of Edison

In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about
electricity.

Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation.
Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that
he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to
use the outhouse regardless of the weather.

To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this
kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!

[layback40]

40 years of marriage . . .

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'


The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female...

[Since66]

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told
me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

[Jim B.]

Critical Thinking At Its Best!



Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?






Sent from my I Pad.

[Skippy]

I heard George Zimmerman is changing his name. To Ben Ghazi. That way, the White House and the mainstream media will never mention him again.

[Since66]

One day the zookeeper noticed that the monkey was reading two books--the Bible and Darwin's "The Origin of Species."

In surprise, he asked the monkey, "Why are you reading both those books?"

"Well," said the monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."

[Since66]

You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

[jacques10]

Originally Posted by Jim B.

Critical Thinking At Its Best!



Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari?






Sent from my I Pad.

Hahahahaha great reply to that woman.

[Since66]

Since it's back to school time....

Two freshman philosophy students see the following bulletin posted on the wall of their lecture hall:

Crash Course in Logical Assumptions
Saturday, September 26, 2013, All Day

Neither of them knows what it means and they are both curious. The pair decide to find the professor and ask some questions. When they locate the professor's office, the bolder of the two enter the building while the other remains outside.

Student: "Uh...Sir..What does Crash Course in Logical Assumptions mean?"

Professor: "Well, it involves taking information that you have, forming assumptions using logic, and then creating new information. Let me try to answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"

Student: "Uh...Yes, I do."

Professor: "Well, then I can now logically assume that you drive."

Student: "Yes, I drive. "

Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you drive on weekends."

Student: "Yeah, I drive on weekends, I go out on dates."

Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you have date partners."

Student: "Well, yes, I have a girlfriend."

Professor: "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual."

Student: "Uh...hell yes! OK, I think I understand what this course is about now. Thanks a lot for your time."

Once back outside, his friend asks him: "So, what's it all about?"

"Its about using information and stuff...Let me answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a car?"

"No."

"Uh...Then you're homosexual, dude!"

[Bogeyman]

A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a down and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was an F-4 driver, flying off carriers back in ' Nam , but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well. I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am."

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try.

The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played.

It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself."

The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light.

He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the john.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

[Diesel911]

Not jokes but I thought these were funny:
Your Wife Never has Nice Things to Wear:
Your Wife is Hysterically Sentimental about her Weight:
You will need to page down a bit as apparently stuff was added since I first found the site.
The Great Indian Curry ...

[Since66]

Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree's Wandering Mind:


I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it

********************
I had amnesia once---or twice
********************


I went to San Francisco .
I found someone's heart. Now what?
********************
Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
********************
If the world were a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
********************
What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
********************
They told me I was gullible
and I believed them.
********************
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home
and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************
Experience is the thing you have left
when everything else is gone.
********************
One nice thing about egotists:
they don't talk about other people.
********************
My weight is perfect for my height--
which varies.
********************
I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not so sure.
********************
How can there be self-help "groups?"
********************
If swimming is so good for your figure,
how do you explain whales?
********************
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
********************
Is it me --or
do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
********************

[layback40]

There was a German, an Italian and a American on death row.The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap! He was dead.
Then it was the Americans turn , and he said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the American fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy
Then the American said, "Give me another one of those shots,"so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you Americans ?"
The American replied , "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."

[cmac2012]

Originally Posted by Jim B.

Critical Thinking At Its Best!


. . .
Man: Where’s your Ferrari?

Excellent!

[Since66]

The Stowaway

--- A young, New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could
throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care
of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."