joke thread

[ramonajim]

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting.

Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this blasted sweater!"

[hill]

Originally Posted by ramonajim

Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her.

"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked.

"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting.

Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.

"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this blasted sweater!"

That was the sickest joke of the year.

[layback40]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death...What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[layback40]

Just got this email & thought I would share it. if any one collects, I expect 10% spotters fee.

SV:‏

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2:54 PM
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Linda Nielsen, Jobpoint

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Fra: Linda Nielsen, Jobpoint
Sendt: 6. marts 2013 23:51
Til: Linda Nielsen, Jobpoint
Emne:

My wife Violet and I Allen Large won 11.3M USD in a lottery 6-49 in July, 2010 and we have decided to donate the sum of 2M USD to you. Contact us via our personal email for more details (allvioelarge12@rogers.com) You can verify our story by visiting the web page below. N.S. couple gives away $11M in lottery winnings | CTV News

Co-ordinator: Linda

[layback40]

Muppets Pot Video (Johnny VS Devil) - YouTube

[layback40]

A question for Aklim;

DILEMMA

ONE FRIEND SAID TO THE OTHER, “WHAT IS A DILEMMA, ACTUALLY?”

HE REPLIED, “WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT.



IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE



AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER.

WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?

[Since66]

Originally Posted by layback40

Just got this email & thought I would share it. if any one collects, I expect 10% spotters fee.

SV:‏

[Mark this message as unread] [Delete this message]
[Keep this message at the top of your inbox]
2:54 PM
Reply ▼

Linda Nielsen, Jobpoint

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To Linda Nielsen, Jobpoint


Fra: Linda Nielsen, Jobpoint
Sendt: 6. marts 2013 23:51
Til: Linda Nielsen, Jobpoint
Emne:

My wife Violet and I Allen Large won 11.3M USD in a lottery 6-49 in July, 2010 and we have decided to donate the sum of 2M USD to you. Contact us via our personal email for more details (allvioelarge12@rogers.com) You can verify our story by visiting the web page below. N.S. couple gives away $11M in lottery winnings | CTV News

Co-ordinator: Linda

You're gonna be rich! RICH, I say!

[Can't Know]

A young fellow from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" mega store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64! What the hell did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

[Since66]

In Honor of St. Paddy's Day:


Now on sale at IKEA - "Lesbian beds" - no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...


A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol. Police say it's definitely race related...

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct (a hardware chain in the UK) thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be 'the one', but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No, I just live around the corner I tell ya."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

[mgburg]

What does a man do while standing, a woman does while sitting and a dog does on 3 legs?



















































Shake hands.

[Since66]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' ... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants . . ."


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the wine back!"

[layback40]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'

[layback40]

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked
> > her husband.
> >
> > "No"...said her husband.
> >
> > She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of
> > her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a
> > soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar
> > bill.
> >
> > He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled
> > approvingly.
> >
> >
> > "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... She then asked
> > her husband?
> >
> > "Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).
> >
> > She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and
> > seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... And pulled out a
> > crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
> >
> > He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill... And started breathing a
> > little quicker with anticipation.
> >
> > "Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
> >
> > "No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... And
> > excited).
> >
> > "Well go look in the garage!"...she said.

[layback40]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to
4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[Since66]

Little Larry was attending a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.'

Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!'