joke thread

[layback40]

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'..

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[layback40]

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment
arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on
himself first.

So, he inserted his " manhood" into the equipment, turned on the
switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't
remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer
Service Hot Line with his mobile phone.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

Have a nice day.....

[Aquaticedge]

Originally Posted by layback40

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment
arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on
himself first.

So, he inserted his " manhood" into the equipment, turned on the
switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more
pleasure than his wife did.

When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't
remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to
disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still
without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer
Service Hot Line with his mobile phone.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will
release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

Have a nice day.....

oohhh that smarts! sounds like it would happen after a day of drinking.

[layback40]

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, "Free S#x with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free s#x.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free s#x.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No s#x this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy,
Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free s#x.
The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free s#x this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy,
"I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free s#x."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."

[kip Foss]

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.

'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'

'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist,' but a quarter tablet will not give
you a full erection.'

'I'm 96 said the old man. 'I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers.

[mgburg]

Originally Posted by The Clk Man

That sound very familiar to me for some reason.

A limbo-contestant walks into a bar...

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by mgburg

A limbo-contestant walks into a bar...

What happened. Tell me tell me tell me.

[layback40]

The Australian way !!!!

Just imagine...



If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago,

you would have $49.00 today!


If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,

you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes one damned proud to be an Aussie!

[layback40]

Papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together in a little mole hole.


One day, papa mole sticks His head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
"Oh, Yum! I smell honey!"

Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine,
"Geez, all I can smell is....

MOLASSES!

[layback40]

You guys can modify the locations to suit the USA or a particular individual on a driving holiday !!
An old couple from Mildura were setting off on their annual drive up to the Sunshine coast for the winter months.

Both were in their mid eighties, had owned their little Toyota buzz box since new since 1989. she wouldn't let him drive any more and he being a survivor of a long marriage just knew it was best not to argue , just sit there and shut up. She was deaf as a post and so drove the car oblivious to the sound of the valves bouncing as she sped towards their destination.

The old bloke was very concerned about the speed she was doing so he spoke loudly to her " Watch your speed, you are doing way over the speed limit, you'll get booked again !

Her response was "What did you say, speak up , I can't hear you !" So yelling at the top of his lungs again he uttered " Watch your speed, you are doing way over the speed limit, you'll get booked again !

She then slowed down, but old habits die hard, and soon again she was back up to warp 1 speed ; the old bloke just shrugged his shoulders and sat back and accepted the uselessness of his attempt to slow her down.

Predictably, a copper detected this cruise missle shoot past him from his hiding place, about the only bloody tree on the Hay Plain , he sped off after them . It took him a while , but he caught up to them , passed them and forced them to pull over.

The old man yelled at hs wife " you see, I told you were speeding, but no , you don't take any notice of me, not bloody ever ." and then just sat back. The copper strode up thinking it must be some young hoons thrashing an old car like this . He was taken back when he discovered the age of the offender.

" Driver , please produce your licence . " The old woman turned to her husband and asked " What did he say, what did he say?" Her Husband yelled back her " He wants to look at your licence ". and in a normal range " You silly old ***** !"

So while the old woman was rumaging around with her head down, trying to find her licence in her bag , the copper started a conversation with the old man " Where are you from?"

"Mildura" replied the old man . "Mildura " replied the copper " Bloody Mildura, I was there for a while, had the worst bit of s#x in my life there !"

The old lady brought her head up and turned to her husband and asked " What did he say, what did he say ?"

The old man yelled back at her " He knows ya !"

[layback40]

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s#x, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you......This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both....... Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. ....Be strong honey. I love you, too.'

[layback40]

9 Things I Hate That People Do
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass

[layback40]

The President Obama is visiting a school.

In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy". One little boy stands up and offers "if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy".

"No," the Pres says, "That would be an accident."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved ... that would be a tragedy".

"I'm afraid not, " explains the Pres, "that is what we would call a great loss."

The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. "What?" asks the Pres, "isn't there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying the President was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy".

"Wonderful!" Obama beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"

[layback40]

Always pays to tell the truth

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild s#x, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having s#x all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said,

"You lying *******! You've been playing golf !"

[layback40]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that
she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she
stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you
have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said,
"352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally
amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! OK, I'll keep to my end of the
deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the
one that was by far cuter and more playful that any of the others. When
she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "OK, now I have a
proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have
my dog back?"