joke thread

[aklim]

Originally Posted by Daman858

Girl 1 Sigh..."My boyfriend came over last night and we had panda sex."

Girl 2 "What's panda sex?"

Girl 1 "He eats shoots and leaves."

At least he eats first?

[mgburg]

Originally Posted by aklim

At least he eats first?

Yep. A nice, juicy "taco."

[aklim]

Originally Posted by mgburg

Yep. A nice, juicy "taco."

Juicier after he shoots in it.

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by aklim

Juicier after he shoots in it.

You like protein shakes don't you aklim.

[aklim]

Originally Posted by The Clk Man

You like protein shakes don't you aklim.

Nope. I might fetch things but unlike you, I don't felch them.

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by aklim

Nope. I might fetch things but unlike you, I don't felch them.

You old felcher you.

[MTI]

Two tigers are walking down a trail in the jungle, when the tiger in the back starts licking the ass of the one in front. At first, the front tiger tries to ignore his friend's behavior. After a couple minutes, the front tiger turns around and says, "What the hell are you doing?"

The other tiger says, "I must have eaten a lawyer at that last village and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

[The Clk Man]

I had this girlfriend years ago that had a little dog. And every time we would have sex, the little dog would lick my ass. So I got rid of the girlfriend and stole the dog.

[layback40]

Jewish Christmas Story



The teacher was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas Eve. "Tell me Patrick, what do you do on Christmas Eve?" She asked.

Patrick addressed the class. "Well, Miss Johnson , me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick", said the teacher, "Now, Jimmy Brown, what do you do?"

"Well, Miss Johnson ", replied Jimmy, "Me and my sister go to Church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents"

Remembering there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do on Christmas Eve?"

"Well, Miss Johnson", it's the same old thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls and drive to his toy factory. When we get inside we look at all the empty shelves and sing "What A Friend We Have in Jesus"......then we go on holiday to the Bahamas for three weeks.

[layback40]

A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,

You have "Yellow 24", a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.'

'F*** me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!

[Pavka007]

Exciting news...Ford & Renault


Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it — let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real ***** to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can’t get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each couple of years

[padrino]

The best airline in SA

Bunch of loonies.

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.


WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !"
---o0o---

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---

On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it 's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o--

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---

From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
---o0o---

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
----o0o---

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o—

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o—

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o—

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o—

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o—

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o—

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o—

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

[Pavka007]

SCOTTISH COW

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland . It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ..

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Scotland ."

[layback40]

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation..

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together..
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, 'You foul-mouthed s#x obsessed pig!' she
retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in Public
places about our s*x lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta s*x? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi .'

[mgburg]

A Dr. on TV said "...that to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives."

I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished.

So, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum,
...
tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a boxa chocletz nad a chezburer, wit chexa aond stuf onit. Yu haf no idr how fablus I fell rite noow. Sned this to al who ned inner piss. An telum u luvum....

thnx fer the adivssssssssssssssssszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz