joke thread

[layback40]

Susan, Ross' very beautiful neighbour, loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon Ross her neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge, red tomatoes..


Susan asked Ross, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"



Ross responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat, and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."



Well, Susan was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks, she flashed her garden hoping for the best.



One day Ross was passing by and asked Susan, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red ?"



No", Susan replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."



Remember to smile at people... they will think you are up to something

[layback40]

I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.



I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.



"What are you doing?" I asked her.



She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.



Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself , I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[layback40]

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.



The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.



"Why not?" asked the man.



"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.



"But I need it really bad," said the man.



"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.



The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I have to have a double dose."



The doctor finally relented saying, "'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to ensure there haven't been any serious side effects."



On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.



The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"



The man said, "No one showed up!"

[strelnik]

Originally Posted by layback40

A man walks out of a bar at noon and sees a penguin sleeping on the roof of his car. He grabs the penguin and sticks it under his arm. He sees a police car at the corner and goes over to him.

" Hey I found this penguin on my car, what should I do with him?"
The cop says, " How should I know? Take him to the zoo!" and drives away.

The next day, the same cop is patrolling and he sees the same guy walking down the street, penguin still under his arm.

He pulls over and yells at the guy , " Hey! I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!"

The guy replies, " I did and he loved it! Today, we're going to the movies! "

[layback40]

An old Irish World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember," he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."



There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle. "I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."



At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.



The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."



"Yes, that's true," says the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts."

[layback40]

To my fRIENDS who enjoy a glass of wine..
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of $hit..

[kip Foss]

Few old ones and a few new ones below:

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador. "Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70. "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.

[lutzTD]

engineers

[Daman858]

A guy goes into a pet shop and sees a beautiful parrot on a perch with a price tag of $200. The man is admiring the parrot and says to himself "Wow, that is one gorgeous bird and so cheap too."

The parrot says "Thank you for the compliment and the price is very reasonable to be sure, but alas, I am deformed and no one wants me."

"Hoky Smoke!" says the man "You can converse with me and not just repeat words?"

"Yes, in fact, I am very well educated and speak several languages." says the bird.

"Well, I would love to take you home but tell me about your deformity." the man replys.

"I was, sadly, born without and legs or feet" the bird says.

"Well, how do you hold on to the perch?" says our man.

"I simply hang out my johnson and wrap it around the perch." says bird.

The man quickly pays for the parrot and takes it home. Over time, the bird becomes his best friend and they talk about politics, religion, science and philosophy.

One day the parrot says "I have something I need to talk to you about."

"OK, what?" says the man.

"Well," the bird says "While you were at work today the UPS man came with a delivery and your wife answered the door in a black nightie."

"Really?" says our guy "Well, what happened?"

"I must sadly report," says our bird "The man started fondling your wife and then got down on his knees and started kissing her all over."

"Then what happened?" asked the amazed man.

"I don't know" says the parrot "I got an erection and fell of the perch."

[layback40]

When a woman wears a leather dress ~~~~~~~




Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?

Ever wonder why?



It's because she smells like a new Car.

[MTUpower]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.



The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

[The Clk Man]

Originally Posted by MTUpower

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC. Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.



The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

I'm in for five gallons.

[The Clk Man]

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the woods?

[layback40]

The blonde is flying along, in a two-seater airplane, with her Pilot.

All of a sudden the Pilot has heart attack and dies.
She frantically calls a "May Day!"

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My Pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine!
" Please indicate your height and present position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower, " Now repeat after me, Our Father, Who art in Heaven ........."

[kip Foss]

A crazy man escapes from an asylum and is being chased by the police. He runs into a Laundromat where 2 women are doing their laundry. He rapes both of them and runs out the door.

The next day the headlines read, Nut screws washers and bolts.